CD6

Yup, that's right. The last cycle was only 23 days, And then AF only lasted 3 days. WTF?? It was heavy and painful, and then it went. So 44 days, 40 days, 67 days, then 23 days. And because I was at my Mum's for Christmas and forgot, I haven't charted this month. Ah well. Will start again next time.

Christmas was ok. A little awkward at times, but I think that was just how I felt. Husband rang after dinner on Christmas Day, and then again yesterday when i got home, so that was good. And I had a fab evening with my in-laws on Boxing Day. My cousin decided against going in the end, which I was angry about because of the trouble Mum had gone to, but relieved for me. And I got some lovely presents, had yummy food and saw family. Yes I missed my Dad and Nanna, and wanted Bob every minute of the day, but it was good.

I took Geoff to the vet on tuesday. She doesn't know what the lump is, except that it doesn't seem to be attached to the muscle. They only way they can find out is by removal. This will cost £100, an extra £50 to have it sent to the lab to determine exactly what it is, then any antibiotics he may need are on top of this. I think that's quite a lot for a pet that only cost £6! And I would pay it, except rats often don't do so well under anaesthetic.
While he seems to be ok, and not bothered by it, I don't think I want to risk it. Especially with Husband away. Yet if it is better to so it while he is still 'ok'....... I really don't know.
I think I will ring some more veterinary surgeries, see what their prices are, and see how he is in 2 weeks.
He's also go to lose weight! I knew he was a chunky monkey, they all are really! They get the recommended amount of rat nuggets a day (and don't even always eat all that!), and don't get fed a lot of treats, but they are very lazy! So I have to cut all their food down a bit and see. He seems ok, it only bothers him a bit when he's trying to get comfortable laying down. He's happy enough I think, so that's the main thing.

Husband still intends on coming home for a few days in february. I can not wait!!

Gloom and worries.

I've had enough now, I want him home. Every thing's all wrong.

Geoff-rat has a lump under his chin. It's fairly hard, and maybe 1cm across? It moves a little if you touch it, not that he likes me doing that. I have to ring the vets at 08:30 tomorrow, but if they can't fit me in at about 16:00 on tuesday, I can't get there until after next weekend. He seems ok, but rats can go downhill so quickly. It appeared over night, between 02:00 when I said 'night' to them, and 08:00 when I came down this morning. I don't need this.

I am dreading Christmas. My last 2 were spent with Husband and his family; the 1 before that with just Husband; and the 2 before that split between my family and Husband's. I don't want to be with my family, horrible as that sounds. It will be my first time there at christmas since my parents split and my beloved Nanna died. Dad and Nanna are in all my christmas memories at Mum's.
My eldest cousin will also be there this year. It's a long story that I am not totally sure of, but in the summer she had her 4 boys taken in to care as she was an unfit mother. I didn't totally agree with how it was done, but it had been building up for a long time, and I believe it was for the best for the children. She drives me up the wall. I haven't seen her in about a year, but every time Mum tells me yet another thing she's done, I just want to shake her. She has no sense. Her mother dies just before I was born, so Mum has been a sort of stand-in for her. She spends a lot of time and energy on my cousin, more than she really should, considering everything else. She needs more time for herself.
My parents divorce. May turn messy. I really don't want to know, I love both my parents, but I hate how this is being handled. My youngest sister is getting more and more against Dad. To be expected I suppose, as she is only only one at home with Mum (middle sister is at uni, so only there in holidays).
My middle sister was diagnosed with MS not so long ago. Dad doesn't know. Seems he never asked after she had health trouble in the spring, though he's been in (sporadic) contact. And so my Grandparents don't know. When talking to Dad and them I feel like I am lying by omission and I hate it. After christmas I am going to tell my sister she needs to tell Dad. It's not like they have no contact, and he's never been an emotional, chatty sport of person. I'm worried he'll find out and get angry at Mum for not telling him.
Dad has health trouble of his own. He's always had kidney/urinary trouble and a recent ultra-sound showed one kidney to be distended. So on tuesday he is to have another scan. One he has to have a radioactive injection for. Yet another worry.
I want christmas over. I am going to my sister-law's on Boxing day, and it is usually good with all the family there. But Husband is usually in the midst of the fun, playing with the kids and being silly, so I am dreading that a bit too.

I miss Husband so much. I am so lonely in the evenings and every little worry or irriation is made worse because he is not here to moan to, or to laugh me out of it. I'm worried sick about him, aside from the war-zone fears, he is ill with a bad cough and cold, and working 11 hours a day monday to saturday, and 7 hours on a sunday. I never know when he's going to be able to ring. I need him so badly. He's hoping to be home for a few days in february as he has week of R and R. Do not let that get cancelled. I'm going out of my mind.

CD10 (just!)

So, AF arrived and lasted 5.5 days. About normal for me while I was on the pill (I can't really remember before that!).

I'm so broody. It hurts. It's christmas, it makes it all harder. I want to be planning our family christmas, buying 'baby's first' things, and making our family traditions. I can't dwell on it though. That way madness lies. I am determined that when we have little ones, christmas is going to be magical for them. Some children seem to grow up so quickly nowadays, it's sad.

Husband is ok. It's getting colder out there, although lately it's been 4-8 degrees warmer than it has been here! He's working lots, and I'm worried he'll be exhausted when he comes home. He's hoping for some R&R in february. I am crossing fingers, toes, arms and legs for this! Even if it is just 3 days, it will be in his words, better than nothing. I miss him so much, it's lonely here without him. I need my hubby, I need a hug from him. Much as I love my friends, girls just don't hug the way guys do.

It will be odd, for 4 months, I won't have that awful 2 week wait. Unless of course I think there's a good chance in feb, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. Hopefully this stress free time will be just what is needed.

I'll try and keep this more updated, There won't be much on the baby front, but hopefully it will be a good outlet for me.

CD3

Yup, after 67 days, AF arrived! With the worst pains ever. I was bent double, rocking myself and crying in pain monday morning. But they had mostly gone by 3pm. But I decided to start charting my temperature, try to get a good basis for moving things on next summer if we are not lucky before.

So, Husband is away now. I miss him like crazy and evening are awful on my own. I'll admit that I have cried a LOT. I am not someone who is good at living alone. I have spoken to hime a few times and thanks to modern technology, we should be able to keep in fairly good, regular contact. Part of me is glad we don't have children yet, doing this first, long seperation with young ones would have been twice as hard.
I knew I'd have trouble with this, but I really hope it gets a lots easier soon, becaus I am not doing well. I'm making excuses to not go to bed because I hate it all empty, then I don't wnat to get up in the morning because the house is empty. Work is rubbish at the moment. Or maybe it feels more rubbish because I am miserable. Bit of a circle really.

Please let this bit a better length cycle. Please, please, please!
But random tonight, but I am freezing, and need a drink.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

No. I should have expected it right? I have a huge headache. and a heart full of tears I just can't cry. I think maybe I'd feel better for a good sob, but I have to go to work today, I have no time to just sit down and cry.

I have less than 3 weeks until Husband goes. This morning has dragged up all my negative emotions, all the little worries and the big fears.

Today is Armistice Day. I will be observing 2 minutes silence at 11am. Why do men (because, lets be honest, most world leaders ARE men) fight wars? For honour? glory? pride? love of their country? freedom? Or for oil/resources and money? How much less grief would there be without war? I love the ideal of world peace, but I fear neither myself nor my children, or possibly my children's children, will know what that is. I recently read that 1968 is the only year since 1945 a British service person has not been killed on active duty. So many grieving families.

I have nothing else to write now.

CD47

I have no symptoms beyond the odd tummy ache, headaches, hunger and a nasty taste in my mouth that won't go away. I also have a superdrug test to use tomorrow. I need to book a flu jab, so i need to know.
I don't want to have to be pregnant whileHusband is away, but I do so desperately want to be pregnant. Ho hum.

CD 42

Stupid AF. Where is it?

I had one 'episode' (Is that the right word?) of spotting yesterday, which made me think she'd arrive this morning. Nada. But I am having a few stoach cramps and a bit of backache, so there is still a chance I suppose. But no real chance of the BFP before Husband goes away. Maybe it's a good thing, it'll be better if he's here for all scans and things.

Ah well, lets get him safely away and then back home first.

CD 33

Nothing to report. Not even considered doing a test, don't know if I can be bothered to be honest.

I'm really starting to worry about Husband being away now. It's pushing all the TTC malarkey to the back of my mind. I'm still as broody as ever, but right now it is not as important as Husband getting through Afghanistan safely and coming back to me in one piece, and me getting through those 4 months without completely going out of my mind.I'll be doing fine, then someone else will bring it up, and I'll start thinking about it all. Argh!

And we still don't know exactly when he is going to leave!! We, well I am planning for it being the 29th Nov, his original date. Hopefully we'll hear next week, because if he is leaving then, he has most of november booked off, apart from 2 days at a course thing up north, and a week on camp.

I hate not having things sorted. :-(

And, if I am not pregnant before he leaves- I'll work hard at losing weight and saving money while he's away. And getting the house organised proper places for everything, (especially paperwork!), and a good routine for housework. Then we can really go for it when he is back, and if there is nothing after 6 months, I'll demand a referral to the fertility clinic. I think that's probably the best way forward now.

CD20

So. Husband hasn't put his PVR in. The current financial situation increases the risk of us not being able to find jobs with a decent pay. So he's planning on putting it in when he gets back from Afghanistan. The plan is still there, just postponed! It makes sense, and will give us more time to save.

However, we now don't actually know when he's going away, or even when we should know. It could be at any point form his original date of 29th November until sometime in January. I have the week before his November date booked off work, which can be cancelled if need be. But if he goes in December, I will have to fight to get any time off. It is driving me up the wall, not knowing. Obviously it would be fantastic if he is here for his 25th and Christmas, but the longer it is until he leaves, the longer I have to wait for him to be home. IYGWIM.

So everything is completely up in the air again.

I can't...

I don't think I can do it. I can't go back on the pill.

A friend came into work with her 5 month old girl today. I was enjoying a cuddle when another colleague said "you'll have to get one of those Paula", "you really should have one".
It took every once of self control not to let the tears spill.

Why is it so fucking hard?

Life changing decisions. Part 2.

This comes out of what we decided. I haven't discussed it with Husband yet, it's more of a face to face thing.

It breaks my heart to admit this, but I think I will have to go back on the pill when he gets back from Afghanistan.

It would be so hard to make this change, and pay for a baby at the same time. I wouldn't be able to get a job if I was pregnant/wouldn't qualify for good enough maternity pay. Even if it's for 6-9 months, long enough for me to have been in a better paid job. So we know what we are doing, money wise.

I don't want to do this but sensible, practically, responsibly... I think we may have to. I am terrified that if I go on the pill again I will have to go through all this heartache again. But I cannot bear the thought of being pregnant, unemployed, and Husband not getting a good enough paid job. I am going to have to be strong enough to make my head rule my heart for once. but I don't know if I can.

I want to be telling all our friends and family we are expecting. I want to watch my growing bump, and feel that awe and joy at the scans. I want to be excited about meeting our baby, then proudly showing him off to the world. I want to be buying baby clothes, pushing a pram, enjoying those first smiles and words. I want to plan a big celebration for baby's first birthday. I want to be doing all this and more, and I don't want to have to wait another year, or 2 years, or maybe even more. But I think we are going to have to.

Life changing decisions.........

We've made one. I didn't post this last night because I was still thinking lots about it. But Husband has decided he has had enough and wants out of the RAF.He will put in for PVR (Premature Voluntary Retirement) as soon as he has finished this course (He's away, leaning the equipment he'll be using in Afghanistan), and will be out after 12 months. Possibly 6 if he gets a job with the Police, or some where like that. This is rather scary.

It means I need to find a job back in our home city (about an hour long drive from where we are now). Given the current financial climate, and the fact I have no work experience beyond basic retail, this will be quite hard. I am not looking forward to this, but I think it will do me good. I don't even know what area I want to work in, I am looking at everything at the moment.

Thanks to his military experience and the training and qualifications he's got through that, Husband shouldn't find it too hard to get a job. Touch wood. Though it's unlikely the wage will match his current one.

Then there will be a deposit to find, more rent to pay, and things that we get cheaper for living in military accommodation will rise. Quite considerably, I assume. This means a fair few sacrifices to be made- a 'cheap' Christmas, cutting down the Sky package, being rather strict when food shopping, no holiday next year, no unnecessary purchases... I won't be having driving lessons after Christmas (this does make me sad), no kitten for me (*sob*). Hopefully nothing more than what we can handle, though it may take some getting used to.

I know we'll both be much happier when we know what we are doing. Husband hates his job. I hate my job, and where we live. We just need to get to where we want to be.

Thoughts from earlier....

This is what I was thinking as I came home on the bus.

Sometimes I think I'm not going to get pregnant without further medical intervention. And I should just accept this. I feel like I am drowning in the grief and anger and frustration this is all causing. I really don't know how people who have been doing this for longer than me can keep their heads above it all. I am struggling.

I do not cope well with bad emotions. I get... overwhelmed. With Husband going away for so long, I am slightly concerned on how I will deal with it all. I don't want this, but I am not sure how to deal with it at the moment.

CD2...a bit tmi...

I think yesterday was actually CD1, there wasn't really much on Tuesday after all.

But yesterday was awful, and have never had so much pain (Since the first 'break-through bleed after I started taking the pill when I was 18). :-(
I finally got to bed about 1am after alternatively walking round and round, and being curled up as tight as possible. I could almost feel the muscles cramping and relaxing, making me feel so sick.

Normally when I've had bad pain, it lasts less than 24 hours, but I am still feeling so sore. Work was a nightmare today, I just wanted to curl into a ball, but was mostly stuck standing at the till. I don't want 'proper' food, and I've gone back to craving chocolate every few hours- and I was doing so well at weaning myself off!!

Abbreviations

Just looking at that last, short, post, I realised I use a lot of abbreviations at times, and unless you are trying for a baby/nosing on baby forums, you might not know what they are.
So, if that's the case, these are the ones I use most often or may use in future...

AF - Aunt Flo (twee name for a period, bad habit I've got into, but it's much quicker to type!)
CD - Cycle Day (which day of my menstrual cycle it is)
CM - Cervical Mucus
EWCM - Egg White Cervial Mucus (a good sign of ovulation)
FSH - Follicle Stimulation Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Follicle-stimulating_hormone)
LH - Luteinizing Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luteinizing_hormone)
MC - Miscarriage
MMC - Missed miscarriage
Met. - Metformin
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kits
Ov - Ovulation
Ov'd - Ovulated
PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
POAS - Pee/Peeing On A Stick (doing a pregnancy test)
TTC - Trying To Conceive
+ve - Positive (Pregnancy Test)
-ve - Negative (Pregnancy Test)

That's all I can think of for now....

CD1?

Well, it seems AF has arrived.
So, that was a 39 day cycle. 5 days shorter than last time, which is a step in the right direction.
And so it's starts all over again!

CD38

And feeling crap. I caved and tested on Wednesday. Not a glimmer of a line, unsurprisingly really, but it hit me hard. I just feel like such a failure right now. Husband is still laid back about it, I think he is so focused on work and Afghanistan at the moment, it's not such a big issue for him. Honestly, I think he would prefer me to get pregnant after he gets home, but he's willing to keep trying! Still it's only 2 months until he goes :-(

I changed my Metformin dosage yesterday. I was taking 2 tablets of 500mg of slow release Metformin once a day (evening), and now I'm taking 1 tablet of 500mg normal release, 3 times a day. Had a bit of a dodgy tummy, but nothing too bad. I think I am going to take 8 weeks of this (if I don't get pregnant), then stop. Maybe. I am not sure if I'll be able to keep taking it while Husband is away, some doctors will only prescribe it for TTC-ers.

I'm not sure if/when I ov'd this months, but I guess AF is on her way, because I've been having period type stomach cramps, backache and sore boobs. Added to the sick feelings (Met. side effect?), I'm feeling really sorry for myself! Slightly concerned because I have had some odd, sharp pains over the past week and a bit, but fingers crossed they'll disappear now. Or it'll be back to the doctor.

CD28

Every time I sell a pregnancy test to a woman, I try, discreetly, to look at their face. And I wonder, is this test for you? What are you hoping for? Have you been trying month after month, waiting for that little line? Or are you hoping and praying that it is negative? It's helpful to remember that other will be going through the same thing. But I feel desperately sad, even a little angry, (even though I've been there) when I see the 14-18 year olds come in, embarrassed about buying a test.

I'm seeing babies and bumps everywhere again. One of our regular customers brought her baby girl in for the first time this week. Absolutely gorgeous little thing, big brown eyes looking up at the 3 or 4 women gazing at her, all coo-ing! And it really tugged at my heart. When I first came off the pill, I really thought we would have had our baby by now. I thought I'd be taking my own baby in to work to show off, planning their first christmas.... Instead, I am still waiting for my menstrual cycle to regulate (CD28 and no symptoms of anything), and planning my first christmas (and had better be the last!) without Husband.

Why me? Why us? It's just so damn unfair. For eveytone who's been at this TTC game for more than a year. Why are there no simple answers?

CD 20

So. Had no sign of ovulation, so, who knows. Tired of waiting.
Time is running out before Afghanistan.
No real update, because I don't know where I am.

CD12

So we start moving on to what may be the interesting part of the cycle. Fingers crossed I ovulate and we 'catch' the egg!
So broody, it's starting to hurt again. Still, we'll get there.

I think it was seeing the nieces over the bank holiday weekend. They are such lovely girls, and I am really looking forward to bringing another child into such a wonderful, loving family that my husband has.

Sightly different with my family, I love them all (I think), but I don't always like them/what they do. I feel bad that I am not closer to my parents and sisters, and that we spend more time with Husband's family then with my Mum, but we are both more relaxed with his family. I think it was my upbringing (quite strict), and my parents' (well My Mum's, not sure about my Dad) faith that places the constraints. My family's got messier as I've got older, it's adding to the distance I'm not-entirely-intentionally placing between us. I have troubles enough of my own without being involved in theirs. Gah, that sounds so selfish and horrible. But I can't do it, I know from experinece that if I take on too many worries, it'll take over. Especially with November coming up.

No title

Well, my period lasted 5 days, and was a lot lighter than I'd expected. I hope that's not a bad sign....

Husband is going to Afghanistan on 29th November. That probably means he'll leave home on 28th. So there is now less time of him being at home that what he'll be away. I am not coping well already. I make jokes about his 'desert holiday', but every time I think about it, I feel sick.

Added to which, I seem to have post-menstrual tension. I am irritable, head-achey, and constantly on the edge of tears. Really not fair.

Still have my fingers crossed for this cycle though. As always.

CD1. mostly positive!

That's right folks, after a 42 day cycle, and the day after my 23rd birthday, dear old aunt flo arrived!

Painlessly at first, but The sicky feelings, back ache and stomach cramps have been increasing all day. Pre-pill these would only last the first day, so I hope I am ok tomorrow, as we are going to Mother-In-Law's in the afternoon.

But I had a fabulous birthday yesterday. Husband is wonderful, and made it all about me! I got brekfast in bed, then he brought my presents up. I had a nice long bath that morning, then at lunch I said, "I kinda fancy Macdonalds". So that's where we went! Plus we got me a birthday cake, and Mario Party 8 for the Wii. We had fun playing that in the afternoon, then cooked roast lamb together. Plus I had the wonderful surprise of a beautiful bunch of flowers from a good friend that I have not actually met IRL. Really made my day.

And i am very glad AF didn't arrive to spoil my day!

So fingers crossed that this is the lucky cycle!

Oh, adn on a side note, I went for a blood pressure check this week. I've lost 11kg since I saw the nurse 6 weeks ago, and my BP is going down. :-) So, good things.

CD38

Nothing. No change. No signs. No hope even.

Feel shitty.

Second month of higher dose Metformin, and still waiting for AF to show.

CD32

No signs of the bitch. Slightly achey boobs, but I think that may be the result of Wii Fit jogging without a properly supporting bra! Ooops!

I guess I am resigned for now. Which means that later tonight, or tomorrow after I see the doctor, I will get hysterically upset.

Why can't this be just a little bit easier?

CD 31

Had another negative on friday, so I wasn't just testing too early on wednesday. Crap.
All symptoms have gone, , not even got PMS ones. It's not fair.

Been a small collection of BFNs amongst a group of my friends, it's not fair on any of us.

Just got to wait for dear old Aunty Flo to arrive now, the bitch.

I gave in

and tested.

Negative. The test I used is meant for the day after the first day of your missed period, and I'm 2 days early for that. So there's a tiny, minuscule shred of hope. Somewhere.

Not sure I can keep doing this to myself, I don't know where I can keep finding emotional strength from. If I can find any more. Been kicking myself all day for testing early.

If my period doesn't show by saturday, I'll test again. But after that, I am not testing until I am at least 4 days late. Ever.

CD25

It's too hot! it is 27 degrees here today, was 29 at the weekend. It's ok in the breeze, but this house holds the heat and gets ridiculously stuffy, especially at night.
It's killing me, I feel so pathetic when I am too hot.

Not much to report, various things that could be attributed to the heat, or PMS- tired and lethargic, feeling sick, headaches, some odd tummy pains....
My tea tasted slightly odd again today. Better than last time though. Hmm, but just as I've finished this cup, I've developed a headache, well the one I had got a lot worse. Same thing happened with my cuppa on thursday. Good sign? Bad sign? Or, just one of those things?

Going through stages of being very hopeful, believing we have a good chance, then not believing we could have been that lucky and losing hope. I can honestly say, emotionally, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I hope that when baby gets here, he appreciates all I've gone through! lol

Symptom Spotting

So, CD22. Ho hum. I'm tired, irritable, going through periods of feeling sick, then being very hungry, and my tea doesn't taste like tea! Not testing for at least another week, maybe 2. Staying hopeful, as ever. If I did ovulate when I suspected, there's a good chance I am pregnant. The Metformin may have done the trick!

Or, I am just symptom spotting again, and it will all end in tears, again.
This TTC malarkey is turning out to be harder than I thought, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I still believe we will succeed. And. compared to some people, 18 months really isn't that long to wait. So if I am not this cycle, we go on to the next.

But that little question is still dancing round my head- "what if?" Followed by "I could be!" (insert smiley face, dancing bananas and lots of bouncing giddiness)!

Eighteen Months

since I took my last contraceptive pill. I never thought it be this long before I got pregnant. It's been a very long and hard year and a half, and the longer it goes, the harder it gets. Lots of watching and waiting, and I've never been the most patient person! There's been lots of tears, some in front of Husband, but many more in private. And all I can do is keep going, keep waiting and keep hoping. And I do keep hopeful. I have to.

Ovulations pains?

Well I forgot about the OPKs. Too much else on my mind, but it doesn't matter.
Yesterday morning I had what MAY have been ovulations pains. A not-too-sharp stabbing pain that lasted about 10 minutes. It may have been, or it may have just been something else. I do seem to have had a bit more CM over the past couple of days, so those signs are good. Just that awful 2 Week Wait now. Yesterday would have been CD 13. Hmm, maybe I'll persuade Husband we need another early night tonight!!

Still hoping!

Still longing, still so broody, but thankfully it is not making me desperately upset at the moment.

I started a double dose of the Metformin on saturday, so we'll see how it goes. No bad side effects yet :-)

I'm on cycle day 12. I have decided to try some Ovulation Predictor Kits this time, starting tomorrow. I have a pack of 5 upstairs, and this is me being hopeful that this will be a normal-ish length cycle. Will just have to wait and see how that goes.

Next monday will be 18 months since I came off the pill. I don't really want it to get to the 2 year point. Also, when they come to work out how long we've been trying, the doctor hinted that they will subtract all the months Husband has been away. So that could add 4 or 5 months onto it. I really don't want that.

But life is generally good. Next saturdy we are going to Birmingham to meet some internet friends of mine. I am very excited and rather nervous about this. Between them, these girls have been my rock through this, and i cn't wait to finally meet some of them in real life! Not sure what Husband thinks of it all to be honest, but he is coming along without making much fuss! I'm going along to his hobby event in september, so it's all fair!
I'm not sure why I am so nervous about this meet. We all know quite a bit about each other already, so it should just be like catching up with some old mates. Hope so anyway, because I still get quite shy.

I will try to update here more regularly (I'm sure I've said that before!). But there's been nothing to reprt, and because I've been calm about it, I haven't needed any little rants to release the emotions. Still, getting into a regular habit will make is easier to get the emotions out before they build up too much.

Cycle Day One

And so it begins again. Feel stupid for getting so excited and disappointed yesterday, but I guess that's part of this journey. If only pre-menstrual and pregnancy symptoms weren't so similar.

But please, please, please let this be a normal length cycle. That last one was about 111 days.

So, onwards again. There's a cup of tea waiting to be made, and some chocolate waiting to be eaten, the best comfort! And fingers crossed.

negative.

very clearly, no chance of mistaking it, negative.
Thanks a fucking bunch body. Sick with disappointment about sums it up. I really, really thought there might be a chance. Another month of failure goes my, and what can I do but pick myself up, re-apply my make-up, and keep going.

My boob are still tender

They feel sore and heavy and it's annoying me. I couldn't even be comfortable in bed last night as my preferred sleeping position is on my side, with my right arm curled down over my chest, all tucked in a snuggly. Only, it meant I was squashing my breasts, and it hurt!
I think maybe I am putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. But I have the sore boobs, I am very tired, thumping headache and it's about 2 weeks after I noticed a load of EWCM. Only, and here is the big TMI warning, I think I am bleeding. Or spotting at least. Earlier I noticed my CM was a bit pinky, so I checked again. Some bright pinky red blood, but only really noticable after an 'internal' check.
Do I or don't I test? I brought one, in case. I don't know!!!

Being Hopeful.

I don't know why. The only symptom I have is EXTREMELY tender boobs. My skin seems to be really sensitive at the moment as well, really itchy at times, but I don't know what that is related to. My boobs are the only thing I am basing these little hopeful feelings on, I can't remember the last time they were this sore!
I know I am only on day 12 of the Metformin, so I really doubt it's worked already, but I can't hush that little voice in my head that is running around excitedly going "What if? what it? Maybe! Maybe! Could be! Could be!" I really do not need to set myself up for another disappointment, but I can't help it!
I did allow myself one moment of pure excited hopefulness at work earlier. Those feelings of 'maybe I could be a Mummy in 9 months' were so fantastic, I don't know how I will contain them when I do get the second little line. I'll be shouting it from the roof tops and telling absolutely everyone!
i would really love to be able to tell my Mum some good news before she goes to Kenya for 3 weeks to see my cousin. That would be The Best!

A Wasted Trip.

Is what Husband had on Sunday. He came home again Monday. He arrived at the Army Camp about 9:30pm on Sunday. I got a phone call at 11pm, he'd been trying to sort out a bed. They didn't have one for him, and he ended up kipping on someone's floor. I got another phone call about 9:30am monday morning on my way to work, to say he shouldn't be there, and is coming home. So either the RAF at his end, or the Army at the other end miscommunicated. I'm thinking the Army, seeing as there was another person there that shouldn't have been. He's got to go again in September.

life - love - life - love ..... Random Musings

This was originally written about 00:15 this morning, so if it doesn't make sense, sorry! it's just a little insight into my mind when I am feeling very happy and satisfied, but oh, so tired!

Why are we here? LOVE

Did the universe create the gods? Come into existence at the same time? Or for argument's sake...
The gods created the universe. Why?
Don't know. Their own personal amusement? Because they could? Or because gods can't exist in nothingness?
But the universe needed a continuously renewing force to keep it alive- Love. And for there to be Love, you need conscious creatures. Creatures that are capable of Love. So the gods created us- people- to Love. We see that Love does good things. Hate and fear bring suspicion, war, famine, plagues, death. Natural disasters as our mother Earth tries to contain and reduce her destructive burden.
But Love?
Love creates. Beauty, truth, peace and life!
Love is the force that renews! Love allows for growth and understanding. To know Love is to know happiness. To be joyful is what we should aim for. Our mother Earth may still try to ease her burden, the human race is getting heavy, or she may wish to stop a source of hate before it starts to spread. But, with more Love, she won't need to.
Peace, beauty, truth, respect, understanding, all come from Love. And we should have respect for each other, for life, then we can achieve beauty, truth and peace. I believe in having beauty before our eyes, truth in our minds, peace in our hearts, hope in our lives, and Love in everything. But most of all, I believe in Love.

For me, love and hope go hand in hand. And I love my Husband more than words can tell, and I have hope that we will fulfil my Baby Dreams!

10th Tablet...

got taken today. Yesterday I learnt that it doesn't mix with fatty foods like Maccy D's, nachos and a huge helping of cheesecake! Maybe that's how it works, foods like those make you feel so bad, you are forced to eat healthily. lol. But I am hoping these side effects ease soon. I am tired of feeing constantly queasy. I am sleeping better though. A real bonus. :) I think I am going to go back to the doctor next week, just to get a check over, make sure my BP is ok, see if I need my bloods checked, and whether or not the dosage should be increased after the 1st month.

Husband left today for a 2.5 week course at an Army Camp 230 miles away. It's preparation for Afghanistan. I'm dreading it more and more. Not just worried for him being there, but how I will cope. Really hoping that special 'Woman's Strength', and ability to cope will get me through it.
We were hoping to make the move back to our home town, nearer our families, but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough for us to be able to rent or buy in the area. Much as I hate this house, MOD Married Quarters have the distinct advantage of being extremely low rent!
Either way, something will work out. Fingers crossed.

Day 4

of the Metformin. Well, day 3 I suppose, since I take them with my evening meal. It's 500mg of the slow release version, and making me feel a bit sick! Fingers crossed it helps!!

PCOS

I finally got the scan results on Wednesday. My doctor had to ring the hospital, who had to fax them over. The scan showed cysts that were 'indicative' of PCOS. And taken with the weight, acne, blood tests and amenorrhoea, that's the confirmation of the diagnosis. I start Metformin next friday. And I need to continue working on the weight loss.

I've been putting on a positive face for so long now, I think I am slightly numb to it all. I know that there is all probability that the Metformin will work and regulate my cycles and I will get pregnant. But also, PCOS can prevent me from getting pregnant. There is a chance that I will never get pregnant. That I will never get this 'thing' that I want so badly. That i will never fulfil my heart's desire. That's a hard thing to face at 22.

Everyone seems to be so positive for me and I really am trying. But deep down, I am bewildered, angry, confused and hurt. Most of all, I am hurting. If i can't get pregnant, I will feel like I have failed. A woman who cannot fulfil a woman's primary role. Oh, I know there is adoption, but that isn't an option for everyone. It's not successful for everyone.

The Metformin is supposed to show an improvement in 3 months. That brings us to Mid-September. Sometime between October and mid-November, my Husband is going to Afghanistan for 4 months. If I don't get pregnant, there will not be much time to try something else, like Clomid, before he goes away. Then that will be more waiting, waiting and doing nothing. It will take us beyond they 2 year point of me being off the pill. I NEVER thought it would be that long. And being so stressed and worried about this, and about Husband being in Afghanistan, will make it harder to get pregnant.

Anything to make this work. Anything.
lol. I even brought an Amethyst crystal (for regulating hormones) and a Rose Quartz crystal (for fertility) today. And a Rose Quartz bracelet. Who knows, maybe they will tap into something unknown in my psyche and do some good. Positive thinking brings positive results right? This is something to focus that positive thinking on, a physical reminder. If it only helps in that respect, they will have been a good purchase!

CD 70

Thought I'd done with the long cycles.
They didn't have my scan results yesterday, so I am waiting again. More waiting. Not very patiently, but it's all I can do.
I'm very emotional and tense at the moment, very unhappy. The littlest thing can irritate me, and my mood can change without warning. It's very draining. I need to snap out of this before it becomes destructive.

Time to go focus on the good things...

• My Husband. Love of my life and my entire world.
• I have some amazing, fantastically supportive friends.
  
• We have a home and food and warmth.
• The extended family, on the whole, isn't too bad!
• My 3 cute and funny ratties

I'm safe, and well-loves. Husband loves me, no matter what. We will get through this.

Today I was disheartened.

I am not sure why, but it felt like I was carrying around a huge load that was too much for me. There seemed to be a lot going on. There still is but this evening I am more peaceful and I can bear it better.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the nurse who runs the Chronic Disease Clinic at the medical centre. Apparently I have to see her before I can get any more of my blood pressure medication. What she can say to my that the specialists at Addenbrookes haven't already said, I don't know. But ho hum, must keep the Senior Medical officer (he who ordained this appointment) happy I suppose.
And then on thursday I have a visit with a doctor to actually get some more blood pressure medication (seeing as Nurses can't actually issue prescipts.) and to discuss my scan results. I haven't heard anything yet, but I have the appointment now, and I what to know what's what. If it means starting Metformin to regulate my cycles and help me get pregnant, so be it.

Baby hunger. What a phrase. That level of broodiness that hurts.

The Clan

Thought it was time I introduced my little fur-babies.
Geoff, the alpha rat, is on the bottom. he didn't stay there long!! He's a bit moody.
Alfie, at the back, is the cuddliest, but still only tolerates them for a few minutes.
Cloud, in the middle, is the runt and the stupidest! He's very funny and lovable.

This was a few months ago, they are too big to fit in the corner like that now! I wish they were more like big squishy, cuddly rats. but I love them to bits anyway.

The sun is shining!

Well, I had the scan. They had to progress to an internal, but it wasn't as bad as I feared! They said they could see tiny cysts, but I won't know what that means until I see the doctor. So another week or so of waiting. Yawn.

It's all hot and sunny again. I kinda wish I was more of a sun-worshipper. Chilling out in the garden would be so relaxing right now. But I burn and not tan, get irritated by all the insects that appear and get a headache from too much sun. SO I'll have to hide inside with an ice-cream instead!

Negative this morning.

So, CD 53.
8 days of very light spotting and a negative test this morning. I had to check. Again, I expected it to be negative, but again, it hurt.
I don't think there's anything else I can do now, just wait and see what the scan shows up on Friday.

I'm really suffering with back ache too. I think i am going to have to find a Chiropractor, all that the tablets have done, is made me feel crap. I just want it to go away, it's not really stopping me doing anything, it's just annoying me!

The house is a mess, but I'm so ache-y after work, that I have no motivation to tidy up. :( Husband and I will have to tidy it at the weekend!

TMI?

CD45. Had some spotting today and yesterday. Just a little. I am putting everything into hoping it's an implantation bleed. Wishful thinking probably, but I can dream huh. If it's not that, it could be the sign of a period starting? that would be not wonderful, but better than just some random bleeding I suppose!

Enough...

of the backache already!! The ibuprofen only seems to be working for an hour and I just can't get comfortable. Why this now?? Even standing at the till at work was hard, I just ached all day.

Feeling very loved up at the moment, which is nice!

And needed. CD 41. Getting a bit despondent again. I hate this so much. I have to keep telling myself that we're young, it'll happen, blah blah. My lack of patience and self-belief is unhelpful though.

The blood glucose tests and cholesterol were normal. As in normal, normal. So that is good.

I think I'm losing one of my best friends from school. We are barely in touch now, my last couple of texts have been unreplied, and I only found out she is moving from someone else's post on facebook. We used to be so close. I've already lost one good school friend (well, culled for her behaviour just before and during our wedding and her general behaviour- activities I didn't approve of), I don't want to lose V too. I think I'll try another text (she's never been in when I've rung recently!).

Lots of random nonsense today, it's not a good day.
Still, Heroes is back tonight!!!!

Yesterday

in the coffee shop, at the table next to us, was a lady with a bump. 6 or 7 months gone I'd guess, and she was glowing. I'll assume the people she was with were her parents and grandmother. Baby was kicking I presumer, because her 'Dad' had his hand on the bump, and was laughing about the baby being a wriggler. I want that so much.

One of the women Husband works with is pregnant. I wonder what he was thinking when he told me? Strangely, being told a stranger is pregnant doesn't invoke the same feelings of jealousy as when I found out my sister-in-law, or even my work colleague, was expecting. The closer they are are, the harder it is because you see the bump grow, you share their excitement, then you get to cuddle their baby. sigh

I used to feel bad for feeling jealous, but not any more. It's too human, too natural, a reaction to when someone else has something you so badly desire. It's not a bad thing.

And then sometimes I wonder if we'll even be good parents? Are we still too young, too selfish to deserve to care for a little one who'll be totally dependant on us? These feelings are temporary though. I know Husband will make a good dad, and I believe I'll be a good mum. Even if we struggle at first and have the same fears, worries and mistakes as other new parents we'll be fine!

Blood results good!!

Or 'normal' anyway!!
"The result(s) of your recent glucose and cholesterol test(s) have been received; the results are normal and/or do not change the existing management plan."

It just struck me, normal for a healthy person? Or normal for someone with PCOS?? I guess I'll find out on Monday.

Scan date is

9am on Friday 9th May. Only if husband is available to take me though, I'm not going on my own!
Am pleased to finally have a date. Not keen on the idea of an internal scan, but whatever it takes!

Still waiting on my blood results though. Made an appointment to see the doctor on monday, so if not before, I'll know then. Need to get my back checked too, it hurts so much. Especially down the left side, think I've over stretched a muscle. It's not stopping me from doing anything it's just constant aching pain, or uncomfortableness. So Husband insisted I see the doctor about it. He takes care of me!

I'm making our favourite, really not good for us, meal tonight, so need to get off my butt and get the kitchen tidied and prep the vegetables. Then slob in front of the TV and an early night I think.

CD 34 and other than slightly tender boobs, no symptoms to report.

Negative.

I caved and tested, even though I knew. Stupid girl.
Even when I expect it, that missing line is still horrible.
New resolution-only test when I REEEAALLLLLYYYY think there's a good chance. (I know, I keep making and breaking that one!)

Still, husband is home tomorrow. So that's cheered me up.

Two guys from the RAF Regiment were killed in Kandahar Province yesterday. I know he won't be going out on patrol, but it's still scary. Really need to put this out of my head, or November will be here even sooner. Not even thinking about the possibility of it being July. Someone give me a kick.

Cycle day 30... and random bits!

No symptoms, nothing. Guess I'm looking at a long cycle. Well, at least I should get the blood results this week. Take each day and keep hopeful.

Got a sore throat which has been making me feel sick over the last few days. Constant queasiness to add to the stuffed nose and headache. I hate being ill.

Husband is away at the moment, and I'm missing him dreadfully. And it's not even been a week. No idea how I'll survive november.

Went shopping on saturday! I love shopping! And make-up, shoes, bags, perfume (and chocolate!!). Got some nice Urban Decay and Benefit bits. Want some more though. Why do I have such an obsession with make-up? I know it baffles my Hubby dear! And my Mum!

Fat little rats keep fighting. Silly fuzz-butts! They are so fluffy and cute though, shame they aren't more cuddly. I still want a dog though. I wish I could stay home and have a puppy!
Oh dear... stupid Cloud-Rat fell out of the wheel! He really is special!

Little update

I had my blood taken on wednesday, so should hopefully hear next week. Am still waiting on the scan date. Feeling up and down.
Worrying about november. I'm barely coping with him being away a week. 4 months will be torture.
Family stuff.
So much rushing about my head.

Ambs, just over 3 weeks!!! Hope baby girl arrives safely and all goes well. Much love!

Ali, you're a star. Thank you so much for listening (reading??) today. Mwah!

Renewed hope potentially shattered

Well, today I got to see a doctor, re. the letter from the Gynaecologist. The Obs and Gynae Consultant had sent a letter based on what he had been told by the GP and the hormone blood test results. Which, by the way, seemed to show more than what I was told, but never mind now. He recommended Metformin, blood glucose and lipids test, and an ovarian scan.
So I am having the bloods and scan, and when they have all the information, then I will be back to the doctor and probably starting Metformin. I could have started it now, but I want the tests done first. Plus I need to get a pre-paid prescription certificate. £7.10 for a prescription!! Daylight robbery!!!!
Anyway. Not sure how I feel now. Maybe numb. It's not a diagnosis, but this is some thing I have expected. Maybe it'll hit me when I am tired, emotional and alone next week. I'll blow it out of proportion, cry and then hopefully be calmer again. At least it is another step forward, even if a proper diagnosis may feel like a huge leap backwards.

Renewed hope...

I am on Cycle Day 2 today!!!!

Yes, my period started yesterday!! 155 days since the last began. It was so light yesterday, I didn't believe it was for real, then I was so happy to wake up with painful stomach cramps this morning. All the tears and bloated feelings from last week make sense now. Fingers crossed this is the start of a return to normality and that we get good news soon.

Oh, and I am still waiting for my Gynae. appointment.

Slight relief

Turns out, if I am pregnant, or due while he's away, hubby's deployment will be delayed until baby is a month old. Not ideal, but better than going back on the pill!!
Now fingers are crossed that I hear from the Gynae. soon.
XX

Afghanistan.....

My beloved husband is being sent to Afghanistan for 4 months in november. Spare me the spiel about it being his job, because I don't hear it. I really, really don't want this. I will spend 4 months worried sick, jumping every time the phone rings, or there's an unexpected knock at the door.

Plus it throws this TTC business up in the air. I could cope with the first half of pregnancy while he is away, but not the second. I want him home for the birth of his baby. *sigh* I guess I will have to wait and see what the Gynaecologist says. I'd even go back on the pill (though it kills me to say so) and come off in september. Last year was so hard, and this year will be harder, and to voluntarily delay having a baby? Even for the best.... It's breaking my heart.

??

Why did I do that? I confided in an old school friend. Someone I haven't seen in years. Not even a female. A guy. The guy that I adored all through high school, right up to about 3 weeks before I started seeing my husband. I'm still fond of him, or maybe I am fond of my memories of him? I think you always keep a special place for your first love, even if it was unrequited!! Feel a bit silly though. Maybe it's because we shared a lot in high school, or because it is easier to off load things online... Ah well. I can't 'un-say' it now, I just hope I haven't scared him off staying in touch!!

My beloved will be home late tomorrow night! Which means I should be finishing off the tidying and sorting out, not playing on here. oops!

Meh.

'Meh' is how I am feeling. One of the major downsides to being on my own- too much thinking time.

But, my darling husband should be home early next week! This is fantastic. Also, because I worked out today that it is coating a small fortune for me to ring him! So I am trying to concentrate on this happiness. He was going to be delayed until 17th march, this is after they cancelled his original flight, then they next one he was on, but now they are paying for a civilian flight home.

My alpha rat bit me on wednesday. He's not vicious, I think I just got to him at the wrong moment. But my finger is sore and still a bit swollen, and I have antibiotics because it may be infected and they make me feel bleugh. He bit my husband not too long ago though, so Geoff is on his last warning.

We will be moving this year. If hubby can't get a posting at Aldergrove near Belfast, it will be Akrotiri, in Cyprus, in august. This scares me a little, but it's exciting too! And much better this, than he goes to Afghanistan or the Falklands for 6 months. I really don't have the correct emotional temperament to be a military wife. I suppose it will get easier as the years go by, but like so many, I am hoping for that life-changing lottery win!

blood results

(copied and pasted from a forum I 'live' in)

Having finally got my blood test results today-it was a hormone check-

Testosterone and Prolactin were fine; LH and FSH didn't really matter since my menstrual cycle is so screwed up; but Oestrogen is low.
I am being referred to the Gynaecologist.
It could take 3-4 weeks.
If I had had my results in teh week after the test I could be half fucking way though those 3/4 weeks now!!!

Googling low oestrogen levels is no good cos it brings up a load of stuff about menopause and early-menopause and I am not going down that route now. I can't think about the possible implications of that. And osteoporosis which my Nan suffers from. Something else to not think about.

I don't know what it means, apart from the whole not ovulating thing, so I don't know what to think. And I really want a hug but my husband's not home until wednesday and I feel like shit cos of this cold. I have never felt so exhausted from just a cold.

So more wait and see. The only upside is the Gynae. referral. Another round of doctors and hospital and tests. Fan-bloody-tastic.

I thought discovering my Hypertension and the referral to Addenbrookes and the trips and tests for that was bad. This has the potential to be infinitely worse. I feel defective. A woman who can't do the thing women are supposed to do. Granted this may be way too early to be thinking like that, and they may be able to fix it with some simple, quick way. But what if they can't? How would I face up to the knowledge that I can't do the one thing I really want to do? How will my husband feel if his wife can't give him children? I wish, hope and dream that I am being melodramatic right now and that things will work out how I want them too.

Make a wish for me. XX

I miss my husband!!!

Purely self-indulgent today.

He's been away since Monday and is back Tuesday, but that is still far too long in my opinion! I don't think I really have the right emotional temperament for a military wife! I know we've been lucky so far that's never been away for more than 3 weeks, and never to anywhere dangerous, but that is my blog so I can be selfish. Right? He rang me yesterday just to hear my voice :-(

I've got a bad cold, I'm so tired and I can't concentrate properly. Feeling a bit crap about myself I suppose.

After 2 more phone calls about my blood results, I have an appointment tomorrow. Bloody ridiculous that I've had to wait so long. Not sure what to think today. Trying NOT to think too much about it. Ah well, what will be, will be.

I got back late from work yesterday and we had to go straight out grocery shopping so I forgot to ring. I really, really wish I had.


I had a letter this morning- brown envelope with Her Majesty's Service printed on it. Great I think, my blood results finally. well, it was from the Medical Centre, but it was an invitation to a Chronic Disease Clinic to discuss my high blood pressure and the treatment I am receiving.

"The aim of the clinic is to ensure that you are receiving the most up to date information on medication, lifestyle advice and chronic disease management."

Well thanks very much, but I am under the care of a specialist team, headed but the country's leading doctor on Hypertension in young people. What can a GP add to that?

I'll admit that I lost it slightly, threw the letter on the floor, screamed that I didn't care I wanted my results and stormed upstairs. And cried a bit. Wonder what excuse I'll be given on monday when I ring to see where my fucking letter is. How hard is to to send a letter??

And my darling husband is off to Oman on monday for 10 days. I hate being on my own for more than a couple of days, so I am one un-happy bunny.

Still waiting

Well I had bloods take on 31st Jan. And I am still waiting for the results. I gave it a week and rang up. The results were sitting in the Doctor's inbox and I had to wait for a letter to be sent. I haven't round again because I think I'll just be told they same, wait for a f*cking letter. I'm tired of waiting.

I need to post more on here, it's getting too invasive in my everyday life. I see new babies and pregnant women everywhere... I nearly cried at work last week. This can't take over everything, here has to be my outlet.

They sure don't teach you about this at school. They lead you to think even the sight of a naked penis will get you up-duffed. No-one tells you that you might find it hard, until you've already worked it out for yourself.

Why me? Why anyone? Is it punishment for taking the morning after pill when I was 17? Punishment for being on the pill since I was 18? I don't really believe so, but I can't help the 'what if?'s.

I'm soo happy for all my pregnant friends, and all the new mummies but I can't help being a little bit jealous? Does that make me a bad person? Or just human? Just human, I hope.

I think I'll ring the Medical Centre tomorrow anyway, I need to know what the bloods said. Do I wish for them to be totally clear? Or to show something isn't right so that doctor can deal with it and make me start ovulating again?

What the doctor said

This won't be pretty.

Lose weight and come back in a year. gee thanks
It can take a long time to get back to normal after the pill, be thankful you didn't have the injection. It shouldn't still be this bad...........
You're young, you have all teh time in the world. I don't care I'm broody NOW
I'll request a blood test to check hormones, but I don't think it's them.
And eat organic meat so you don't take in so much oestrogen Are you gonna pay organic meat prices for me then

Not in those words as such, but that was that. Basically not interested because I am young, over-weight and it's only been a year.

Thankfully I have perfected a smile that convinces most people everything is ok. I booked my appointment for the blood test and the smile just lasted me until I got home. Now I've got a headache from crying and a sore throat from swallowing more tears away.

Why? Women more over weight then me get pregnant and manage. Women high on drugs and totally drunk have one night stands get pregnant. I have a good marriage, a home and I can't get pregnant.

I know this is totally selfish, but I can't help that now.

So it's another year of waiting. I really need something to distract me, because I don't know if I can do another year like this one.

I really don't know what to think. I feel like I have to march in place for a year.

Just a quickie...

So, off the pill for one year. I have an appointment with a doctor on friday. Wish me luck that they can help. I am starting to get worried, but I am not sure what about exactly.

One year on.

So here I am. Tomorrow will be one year since I took my last contraceptive pill.

I am on CD 101. And that period was started after a 10 day course of Norethisterone. I’ve had times of ‘symptoms’ followed by a negative test. The last was just before Christmas. I let my self get really hopeful and made the mistake of testing on Christmas Eve. Such a bad idea. Please, please let the doctor say they can do something now, and not make me wait 6 months, or, god forbid, another year. I am going to work really had to lose some weight and get fitter. Please let it help.

What do I do if I can’t get pregnant?

The story up to today...

Background:

I’ve always wanted to be a young mum. Not a teen-mum, but young enough to really enjoy my kids. I love my husband, Bob, so much, and know he’ll make a wonderful dad. He’s such a big kid!

From August 2003 I had been on the combined contraceptive pill Microgynon-30. Due to high blood pressure I came off this pill sometime in January 2006. In February that year I started to take the progestogen only pill, Cerazette. In November 2006, we decided it was time that I could come off this to start trying for a baby. I started taking folic acid (Sanatogen Pro-Natal tablets) and went to see my doctor. She arranged for a blood test to check my rubella immunisation (all fine) and said to remember it could take a while for my body to get back to normal after being on the pill. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I had to stay on the pill for a few months, but on 21^st January 2007, I took my last Cerazette tablet.

I had some light spotting straight away which lasted 10 days. I then waited 51 days for a proper period. This started on 14^th March (Cycle Day 1), and lasted seven days until 20^th March (CD 7). My second period had not arrived by 16^th April (CD 34), so I took a pregnancy test- negative. Since then I had various PMT/period symptoms, but nothing. And 3 more negative pregnancy tests.

9^th May:

I’m now on CD 57. How much longer do I leave it?

Last night I dreamed I had a positive pregnancy test. The feelings of joy and excitement were so intense, I nearly broke my heart when I realised I had to wake up. How do people do this month after month?

The more frustrated I feel, the more I see pregnant women and new babies everywhere. I know that stress won’t help us to conceive, but how do you not stress over something so important?

27^th May:

Cycle Day 75. So still nothing. Bob wanted me to do another pregnancy test. Negative. So he wants me to talk to the doctor again. But I know it can take up to a year for my body to settle down.

Still, how long do I go without a period without getting checked? Plus I am starting to get paranoid about having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know I am over-weight, and I’m starting to get worried. So many “what if”s. What if I do have PCOS? What if I do find it hard to get pregnant? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if the doctors aren’t concerned because Bob and I are so young? What if? What if? What if? Closely followed by, Why? Why? Why?

I want this so badly. Plus I’ve been really short-tempered lately, “Angry Paula” as Bob called me. It’s horrible for him, and I feel so bad for being moody towards him, but it’s because I’m so worried. Guess I’ll just have to make an effort to keep my cool, and be happier. And hope that losing some weight will start my body ovulating again so then we at least have a hope of getting pregnant.

UPDATE!!! Midnight: I appear to be bleeding lightly. Please, please, please let this be a proper period and the start of regular, normal cycles! Never been this happy to see blood ‘there’! Except maybe in March!

24^th June:

Cycle day 28. Yes, that did seem to be a ‘proper’ period last time, so here I am, hopefully at the end of the cycle. I am hoping and hoping and hoping, that either I am pregnant, or if not, that this was a normal cycle and my period returns on Monday. I am pretty sure I ovulated 2 weeks ago. I had lots of ‘Egg White Cervical Mucus’ (EWCM) and some short stabbing pains that lasted an hour or so. Plus I was really, really hot. But I don’t know what that meant! I’ve had some promising symptoms; tiredness, cramps and backache, boobs feeling a bit heavy, and ‘odd’ feeling low in my tummy and being funny about certain foods, but all the early pregnancy symptoms are also period symptoms. The only period symptom I haven’t had, which I normally do, is a bad temper. I usually get very irritable before my period is due, but haven’t been moody so far!

I want to test because I want to know, but also, I don’t want to be disappointed. And also if my period does arrive Monday/Tuesday, well Bob is off to the U.S.A. on the 2^nd July, so we’d miss ovulation in the next cycle.

We spent last weekend with some friends who have two little girls 4/5 and nearly 1. Bob was so good with them, and actually looked comfortable holding the baby! It made me want it even more.

If it doesn’t show next week, I guess I’ll have to test on Friday. Please, please, please.

28^th August:

Negative test back in June. Well it’s now CD 93. And I feel shit. Plus we had to have my beloved Siggy rat put to sleep on Saturday. So have been very emotional and have little sex-drive at the moment. Bob reckons my boobs are bigger and was saying he thinks I’m pregnant last night. I can’t get my hopes up though. Maybe do a test at the end of the week and make a doctors appointment to see if there is anything she can suggest. I’ll just keep hoping I suppose.

RIP Siggy babykins, mummy misses you.

9^th September:

Negative. No surprise there really. So Friday evening I started taking Agnus Castus. It’s supposed to help regulate the cycle, so fingers crossed. The doctor did suggest Norethisterone. It’s usually given to delay periods, but taking it and then stopping it after a week can bring on a missing period apparently. I will give the Agnus Castus 3 months. I’d like to fall pregnant in October/November. Is that really too much to ask?

On the up side, we got 3 baby male rats last Thursday (the 30^th). Was missing Siggy so much, still do really, but these babies are filling the gap a bit. Geoff. Cloud and Alfie are settling in.