I gave in

and tested.

Negative. The test I used is meant for the day after the first day of your missed period, and I'm 2 days early for that. So there's a tiny, minuscule shred of hope. Somewhere.

Not sure I can keep doing this to myself, I don't know where I can keep finding emotional strength from. If I can find any more. Been kicking myself all day for testing early.

If my period doesn't show by saturday, I'll test again. But after that, I am not testing until I am at least 4 days late. Ever.

CD25

It's too hot! it is 27 degrees here today, was 29 at the weekend. It's ok in the breeze, but this house holds the heat and gets ridiculously stuffy, especially at night.
It's killing me, I feel so pathetic when I am too hot.

Not much to report, various things that could be attributed to the heat, or PMS- tired and lethargic, feeling sick, headaches, some odd tummy pains....
My tea tasted slightly odd again today. Better than last time though. Hmm, but just as I've finished this cup, I've developed a headache, well the one I had got a lot worse. Same thing happened with my cuppa on thursday. Good sign? Bad sign? Or, just one of those things?

Going through stages of being very hopeful, believing we have a good chance, then not believing we could have been that lucky and losing hope. I can honestly say, emotionally, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I hope that when baby gets here, he appreciates all I've gone through! lol

Symptom Spotting

So, CD22. Ho hum. I'm tired, irritable, going through periods of feeling sick, then being very hungry, and my tea doesn't taste like tea! Not testing for at least another week, maybe 2. Staying hopeful, as ever. If I did ovulate when I suspected, there's a good chance I am pregnant. The Metformin may have done the trick!

Or, I am just symptom spotting again, and it will all end in tears, again.
This TTC malarkey is turning out to be harder than I thought, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I still believe we will succeed. And. compared to some people, 18 months really isn't that long to wait. So if I am not this cycle, we go on to the next.

But that little question is still dancing round my head- "what if?" Followed by "I could be!" (insert smiley face, dancing bananas and lots of bouncing giddiness)!

Eighteen Months

since I took my last contraceptive pill. I never thought it be this long before I got pregnant. It's been a very long and hard year and a half, and the longer it goes, the harder it gets. Lots of watching and waiting, and I've never been the most patient person! There's been lots of tears, some in front of Husband, but many more in private. And all I can do is keep going, keep waiting and keep hoping. And I do keep hopeful. I have to.

Ovulations pains?

Well I forgot about the OPKs. Too much else on my mind, but it doesn't matter.
Yesterday morning I had what MAY have been ovulations pains. A not-too-sharp stabbing pain that lasted about 10 minutes. It may have been, or it may have just been something else. I do seem to have had a bit more CM over the past couple of days, so those signs are good. Just that awful 2 Week Wait now. Yesterday would have been CD 13. Hmm, maybe I'll persuade Husband we need another early night tonight!!

Still hoping!

Still longing, still so broody, but thankfully it is not making me desperately upset at the moment.

I started a double dose of the Metformin on saturday, so we'll see how it goes. No bad side effects yet :-)

I'm on cycle day 12. I have decided to try some Ovulation Predictor Kits this time, starting tomorrow. I have a pack of 5 upstairs, and this is me being hopeful that this will be a normal-ish length cycle. Will just have to wait and see how that goes.

Next monday will be 18 months since I came off the pill. I don't really want it to get to the 2 year point. Also, when they come to work out how long we've been trying, the doctor hinted that they will subtract all the months Husband has been away. So that could add 4 or 5 months onto it. I really don't want that.

But life is generally good. Next saturdy we are going to Birmingham to meet some internet friends of mine. I am very excited and rather nervous about this. Between them, these girls have been my rock through this, and i cn't wait to finally meet some of them in real life! Not sure what Husband thinks of it all to be honest, but he is coming along without making much fuss! I'm going along to his hobby event in september, so it's all fair!
I'm not sure why I am so nervous about this meet. We all know quite a bit about each other already, so it should just be like catching up with some old mates. Hope so anyway, because I still get quite shy.

I will try to update here more regularly (I'm sure I've said that before!). But there's been nothing to reprt, and because I've been calm about it, I haven't needed any little rants to release the emotions. Still, getting into a regular habit will make is easier to get the emotions out before they build up too much.

Cycle Day One

And so it begins again. Feel stupid for getting so excited and disappointed yesterday, but I guess that's part of this journey. If only pre-menstrual and pregnancy symptoms weren't so similar.

But please, please, please let this be a normal length cycle. That last one was about 111 days.

So, onwards again. There's a cup of tea waiting to be made, and some chocolate waiting to be eaten, the best comfort! And fingers crossed.

negative.

very clearly, no chance of mistaking it, negative.
Thanks a fucking bunch body. Sick with disappointment about sums it up. I really, really thought there might be a chance. Another month of failure goes my, and what can I do but pick myself up, re-apply my make-up, and keep going.

My boob are still tender

They feel sore and heavy and it's annoying me. I couldn't even be comfortable in bed last night as my preferred sleeping position is on my side, with my right arm curled down over my chest, all tucked in a snuggly. Only, it meant I was squashing my breasts, and it hurt!
I think maybe I am putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. But I have the sore boobs, I am very tired, thumping headache and it's about 2 weeks after I noticed a load of EWCM. Only, and here is the big TMI warning, I think I am bleeding. Or spotting at least. Earlier I noticed my CM was a bit pinky, so I checked again. Some bright pinky red blood, but only really noticable after an 'internal' check.
Do I or don't I test? I brought one, in case. I don't know!!!