Life changing decisions. Part 2.

This comes out of what we decided. I haven't discussed it with Husband yet, it's more of a face to face thing.

It breaks my heart to admit this, but I think I will have to go back on the pill when he gets back from Afghanistan.

It would be so hard to make this change, and pay for a baby at the same time. I wouldn't be able to get a job if I was pregnant/wouldn't qualify for good enough maternity pay. Even if it's for 6-9 months, long enough for me to have been in a better paid job. So we know what we are doing, money wise.

I don't want to do this but sensible, practically, responsibly... I think we may have to. I am terrified that if I go on the pill again I will have to go through all this heartache again. But I cannot bear the thought of being pregnant, unemployed, and Husband not getting a good enough paid job. I am going to have to be strong enough to make my head rule my heart for once. but I don't know if I can.

I want to be telling all our friends and family we are expecting. I want to watch my growing bump, and feel that awe and joy at the scans. I want to be excited about meeting our baby, then proudly showing him off to the world. I want to be buying baby clothes, pushing a pram, enjoying those first smiles and words. I want to plan a big celebration for baby's first birthday. I want to be doing all this and more, and I don't want to have to wait another year, or 2 years, or maybe even more. But I think we are going to have to.

Life changing decisions.........

We've made one. I didn't post this last night because I was still thinking lots about it. But Husband has decided he has had enough and wants out of the RAF.He will put in for PVR (Premature Voluntary Retirement) as soon as he has finished this course (He's away, leaning the equipment he'll be using in Afghanistan), and will be out after 12 months. Possibly 6 if he gets a job with the Police, or some where like that. This is rather scary.

It means I need to find a job back in our home city (about an hour long drive from where we are now). Given the current financial climate, and the fact I have no work experience beyond basic retail, this will be quite hard. I am not looking forward to this, but I think it will do me good. I don't even know what area I want to work in, I am looking at everything at the moment.

Thanks to his military experience and the training and qualifications he's got through that, Husband shouldn't find it too hard to get a job. Touch wood. Though it's unlikely the wage will match his current one.

Then there will be a deposit to find, more rent to pay, and things that we get cheaper for living in military accommodation will rise. Quite considerably, I assume. This means a fair few sacrifices to be made- a 'cheap' Christmas, cutting down the Sky package, being rather strict when food shopping, no holiday next year, no unnecessary purchases... I won't be having driving lessons after Christmas (this does make me sad), no kitten for me (*sob*). Hopefully nothing more than what we can handle, though it may take some getting used to.

I know we'll both be much happier when we know what we are doing. Husband hates his job. I hate my job, and where we live. We just need to get to where we want to be.

Thoughts from earlier....

This is what I was thinking as I came home on the bus.

Sometimes I think I'm not going to get pregnant without further medical intervention. And I should just accept this. I feel like I am drowning in the grief and anger and frustration this is all causing. I really don't know how people who have been doing this for longer than me can keep their heads above it all. I am struggling.

I do not cope well with bad emotions. I get... overwhelmed. With Husband going away for so long, I am slightly concerned on how I will deal with it all. I don't want this, but I am not sure how to deal with it at the moment.

CD2...a bit tmi...

I think yesterday was actually CD1, there wasn't really much on Tuesday after all.

But yesterday was awful, and have never had so much pain (Since the first 'break-through bleed after I started taking the pill when I was 18). :-(
I finally got to bed about 1am after alternatively walking round and round, and being curled up as tight as possible. I could almost feel the muscles cramping and relaxing, making me feel so sick.

Normally when I've had bad pain, it lasts less than 24 hours, but I am still feeling so sore. Work was a nightmare today, I just wanted to curl into a ball, but was mostly stuck standing at the till. I don't want 'proper' food, and I've gone back to craving chocolate every few hours- and I was doing so well at weaning myself off!!

Abbreviations

Just looking at that last, short, post, I realised I use a lot of abbreviations at times, and unless you are trying for a baby/nosing on baby forums, you might not know what they are.
So, if that's the case, these are the ones I use most often or may use in future...

AF - Aunt Flo (twee name for a period, bad habit I've got into, but it's much quicker to type!)
CD - Cycle Day (which day of my menstrual cycle it is)
CM - Cervical Mucus
EWCM - Egg White Cervial Mucus (a good sign of ovulation)
FSH - Follicle Stimulation Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Follicle-stimulating_hormone)
LH - Luteinizing Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luteinizing_hormone)
MC - Miscarriage
MMC - Missed miscarriage
Met. - Metformin
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kits
Ov - Ovulation
Ov'd - Ovulated
PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
POAS - Pee/Peeing On A Stick (doing a pregnancy test)
TTC - Trying To Conceive
+ve - Positive (Pregnancy Test)
-ve - Negative (Pregnancy Test)

That's all I can think of for now....

CD1?

Well, it seems AF has arrived.
So, that was a 39 day cycle. 5 days shorter than last time, which is a step in the right direction.
And so it's starts all over again!

CD38

And feeling crap. I caved and tested on Wednesday. Not a glimmer of a line, unsurprisingly really, but it hit me hard. I just feel like such a failure right now. Husband is still laid back about it, I think he is so focused on work and Afghanistan at the moment, it's not such a big issue for him. Honestly, I think he would prefer me to get pregnant after he gets home, but he's willing to keep trying! Still it's only 2 months until he goes :-(

I changed my Metformin dosage yesterday. I was taking 2 tablets of 500mg of slow release Metformin once a day (evening), and now I'm taking 1 tablet of 500mg normal release, 3 times a day. Had a bit of a dodgy tummy, but nothing too bad. I think I am going to take 8 weeks of this (if I don't get pregnant), then stop. Maybe. I am not sure if I'll be able to keep taking it while Husband is away, some doctors will only prescribe it for TTC-ers.

I'm not sure if/when I ov'd this months, but I guess AF is on her way, because I've been having period type stomach cramps, backache and sore boobs. Added to the sick feelings (Met. side effect?), I'm feeling really sorry for myself! Slightly concerned because I have had some odd, sharp pains over the past week and a bit, but fingers crossed they'll disappear now. Or it'll be back to the doctor.

CD28

Every time I sell a pregnancy test to a woman, I try, discreetly, to look at their face. And I wonder, is this test for you? What are you hoping for? Have you been trying month after month, waiting for that little line? Or are you hoping and praying that it is negative? It's helpful to remember that other will be going through the same thing. But I feel desperately sad, even a little angry, (even though I've been there) when I see the 14-18 year olds come in, embarrassed about buying a test.

I'm seeing babies and bumps everywhere again. One of our regular customers brought her baby girl in for the first time this week. Absolutely gorgeous little thing, big brown eyes looking up at the 3 or 4 women gazing at her, all coo-ing! And it really tugged at my heart. When I first came off the pill, I really thought we would have had our baby by now. I thought I'd be taking my own baby in to work to show off, planning their first christmas.... Instead, I am still waiting for my menstrual cycle to regulate (CD28 and no symptoms of anything), and planning my first christmas (and had better be the last!) without Husband.

Why me? Why us? It's just so damn unfair. For eveytone who's been at this TTC game for more than a year. Why are there no simple answers?

CD 20

So. Had no sign of ovulation, so, who knows. Tired of waiting.
Time is running out before Afghanistan.
No real update, because I don't know where I am.