Gloom and worries.

I've had enough now, I want him home. Every thing's all wrong.

Geoff-rat has a lump under his chin. It's fairly hard, and maybe 1cm across? It moves a little if you touch it, not that he likes me doing that. I have to ring the vets at 08:30 tomorrow, but if they can't fit me in at about 16:00 on tuesday, I can't get there until after next weekend. He seems ok, but rats can go downhill so quickly. It appeared over night, between 02:00 when I said 'night' to them, and 08:00 when I came down this morning. I don't need this.

I am dreading Christmas. My last 2 were spent with Husband and his family; the 1 before that with just Husband; and the 2 before that split between my family and Husband's. I don't want to be with my family, horrible as that sounds. It will be my first time there at christmas since my parents split and my beloved Nanna died. Dad and Nanna are in all my christmas memories at Mum's.
My eldest cousin will also be there this year. It's a long story that I am not totally sure of, but in the summer she had her 4 boys taken in to care as she was an unfit mother. I didn't totally agree with how it was done, but it had been building up for a long time, and I believe it was for the best for the children. She drives me up the wall. I haven't seen her in about a year, but every time Mum tells me yet another thing she's done, I just want to shake her. She has no sense. Her mother dies just before I was born, so Mum has been a sort of stand-in for her. She spends a lot of time and energy on my cousin, more than she really should, considering everything else. She needs more time for herself.
My parents divorce. May turn messy. I really don't want to know, I love both my parents, but I hate how this is being handled. My youngest sister is getting more and more against Dad. To be expected I suppose, as she is only only one at home with Mum (middle sister is at uni, so only there in holidays).
My middle sister was diagnosed with MS not so long ago. Dad doesn't know. Seems he never asked after she had health trouble in the spring, though he's been in (sporadic) contact. And so my Grandparents don't know. When talking to Dad and them I feel like I am lying by omission and I hate it. After christmas I am going to tell my sister she needs to tell Dad. It's not like they have no contact, and he's never been an emotional, chatty sport of person. I'm worried he'll find out and get angry at Mum for not telling him.
Dad has health trouble of his own. He's always had kidney/urinary trouble and a recent ultra-sound showed one kidney to be distended. So on tuesday he is to have another scan. One he has to have a radioactive injection for. Yet another worry.
I want christmas over. I am going to my sister-law's on Boxing day, and it is usually good with all the family there. But Husband is usually in the midst of the fun, playing with the kids and being silly, so I am dreading that a bit too.

I miss Husband so much. I am so lonely in the evenings and every little worry or irriation is made worse because he is not here to moan to, or to laugh me out of it. I'm worried sick about him, aside from the war-zone fears, he is ill with a bad cough and cold, and working 11 hours a day monday to saturday, and 7 hours on a sunday. I never know when he's going to be able to ring. I need him so badly. He's hoping to be home for a few days in february as he has week of R and R. Do not let that get cancelled. I'm going out of my mind.