What the doctor said

This won't be pretty.

Lose weight and come back in a year. gee thanks
It can take a long time to get back to normal after the pill, be thankful you didn't have the injection. It shouldn't still be this bad...........
You're young, you have all teh time in the world. I don't care I'm broody NOW
I'll request a blood test to check hormones, but I don't think it's them.
And eat organic meat so you don't take in so much oestrogen Are you gonna pay organic meat prices for me then

Not in those words as such, but that was that. Basically not interested because I am young, over-weight and it's only been a year.

Thankfully I have perfected a smile that convinces most people everything is ok. I booked my appointment for the blood test and the smile just lasted me until I got home. Now I've got a headache from crying and a sore throat from swallowing more tears away.

Why? Women more over weight then me get pregnant and manage. Women high on drugs and totally drunk have one night stands get pregnant. I have a good marriage, a home and I can't get pregnant.

I know this is totally selfish, but I can't help that now.

So it's another year of waiting. I really need something to distract me, because I don't know if I can do another year like this one.

I really don't know what to think. I feel like I have to march in place for a year.

Just a quickie...

So, off the pill for one year. I have an appointment with a doctor on friday. Wish me luck that they can help. I am starting to get worried, but I am not sure what about exactly.

One year on.

So here I am. Tomorrow will be one year since I took my last contraceptive pill.

I am on CD 101. And that period was started after a 10 day course of Norethisterone. I’ve had times of ‘symptoms’ followed by a negative test. The last was just before Christmas. I let my self get really hopeful and made the mistake of testing on Christmas Eve. Such a bad idea. Please, please let the doctor say they can do something now, and not make me wait 6 months, or, god forbid, another year. I am going to work really had to lose some weight and get fitter. Please let it help.

What do I do if I can’t get pregnant?

The story up to today...

Background:

I’ve always wanted to be a young mum. Not a teen-mum, but young enough to really enjoy my kids. I love my husband, Bob, so much, and know he’ll make a wonderful dad. He’s such a big kid!

From August 2003 I had been on the combined contraceptive pill Microgynon-30. Due to high blood pressure I came off this pill sometime in January 2006. In February that year I started to take the progestogen only pill, Cerazette. In November 2006, we decided it was time that I could come off this to start trying for a baby. I started taking folic acid (Sanatogen Pro-Natal tablets) and went to see my doctor. She arranged for a blood test to check my rubella immunisation (all fine) and said to remember it could take a while for my body to get back to normal after being on the pill. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I had to stay on the pill for a few months, but on 21^st January 2007, I took my last Cerazette tablet.

I had some light spotting straight away which lasted 10 days. I then waited 51 days for a proper period. This started on 14^th March (Cycle Day 1), and lasted seven days until 20^th March (CD 7). My second period had not arrived by 16^th April (CD 34), so I took a pregnancy test- negative. Since then I had various PMT/period symptoms, but nothing. And 3 more negative pregnancy tests.

9^th May:

I’m now on CD 57. How much longer do I leave it?

Last night I dreamed I had a positive pregnancy test. The feelings of joy and excitement were so intense, I nearly broke my heart when I realised I had to wake up. How do people do this month after month?

The more frustrated I feel, the more I see pregnant women and new babies everywhere. I know that stress won’t help us to conceive, but how do you not stress over something so important?

27^th May:

Cycle Day 75. So still nothing. Bob wanted me to do another pregnancy test. Negative. So he wants me to talk to the doctor again. But I know it can take up to a year for my body to settle down.

Still, how long do I go without a period without getting checked? Plus I am starting to get paranoid about having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know I am over-weight, and I’m starting to get worried. So many “what if”s. What if I do have PCOS? What if I do find it hard to get pregnant? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if the doctors aren’t concerned because Bob and I are so young? What if? What if? What if? Closely followed by, Why? Why? Why?

I want this so badly. Plus I’ve been really short-tempered lately, “Angry Paula” as Bob called me. It’s horrible for him, and I feel so bad for being moody towards him, but it’s because I’m so worried. Guess I’ll just have to make an effort to keep my cool, and be happier. And hope that losing some weight will start my body ovulating again so then we at least have a hope of getting pregnant.

UPDATE!!! Midnight: I appear to be bleeding lightly. Please, please, please let this be a proper period and the start of regular, normal cycles! Never been this happy to see blood ‘there’! Except maybe in March!

24^th June:

Cycle day 28. Yes, that did seem to be a ‘proper’ period last time, so here I am, hopefully at the end of the cycle. I am hoping and hoping and hoping, that either I am pregnant, or if not, that this was a normal cycle and my period returns on Monday. I am pretty sure I ovulated 2 weeks ago. I had lots of ‘Egg White Cervical Mucus’ (EWCM) and some short stabbing pains that lasted an hour or so. Plus I was really, really hot. But I don’t know what that meant! I’ve had some promising symptoms; tiredness, cramps and backache, boobs feeling a bit heavy, and ‘odd’ feeling low in my tummy and being funny about certain foods, but all the early pregnancy symptoms are also period symptoms. The only period symptom I haven’t had, which I normally do, is a bad temper. I usually get very irritable before my period is due, but haven’t been moody so far!

I want to test because I want to know, but also, I don’t want to be disappointed. And also if my period does arrive Monday/Tuesday, well Bob is off to the U.S.A. on the 2^nd July, so we’d miss ovulation in the next cycle.

We spent last weekend with some friends who have two little girls 4/5 and nearly 1. Bob was so good with them, and actually looked comfortable holding the baby! It made me want it even more.

If it doesn’t show next week, I guess I’ll have to test on Friday. Please, please, please.

28^th August:

Negative test back in June. Well it’s now CD 93. And I feel shit. Plus we had to have my beloved Siggy rat put to sleep on Saturday. So have been very emotional and have little sex-drive at the moment. Bob reckons my boobs are bigger and was saying he thinks I’m pregnant last night. I can’t get my hopes up though. Maybe do a test at the end of the week and make a doctors appointment to see if there is anything she can suggest. I’ll just keep hoping I suppose.

RIP Siggy babykins, mummy misses you.

9^th September:

Negative. No surprise there really. So Friday evening I started taking Agnus Castus. It’s supposed to help regulate the cycle, so fingers crossed. The doctor did suggest Norethisterone. It’s usually given to delay periods, but taking it and then stopping it after a week can bring on a missing period apparently. I will give the Agnus Castus 3 months. I’d like to fall pregnant in October/November. Is that really too much to ask?

On the up side, we got 3 baby male rats last Thursday (the 30^th). Was missing Siggy so much, still do really, but these babies are filling the gap a bit. Geoff. Cloud and Alfie are settling in.