TMI?

CD45. Had some spotting today and yesterday. Just a little. I am putting everything into hoping it's an implantation bleed. Wishful thinking probably, but I can dream huh. If it's not that, it could be the sign of a period starting? that would be not wonderful, but better than just some random bleeding I suppose!

Enough...

of the backache already!! The ibuprofen only seems to be working for an hour and I just can't get comfortable. Why this now?? Even standing at the till at work was hard, I just ached all day.

Feeling very loved up at the moment, which is nice!

And needed. CD 41. Getting a bit despondent again. I hate this so much. I have to keep telling myself that we're young, it'll happen, blah blah. My lack of patience and self-belief is unhelpful though.

The blood glucose tests and cholesterol were normal. As in normal, normal. So that is good.

I think I'm losing one of my best friends from school. We are barely in touch now, my last couple of texts have been unreplied, and I only found out she is moving from someone else's post on facebook. We used to be so close. I've already lost one good school friend (well, culled for her behaviour just before and during our wedding and her general behaviour- activities I didn't approve of), I don't want to lose V too. I think I'll try another text (she's never been in when I've rung recently!).

Lots of random nonsense today, it's not a good day.
Still, Heroes is back tonight!!!!

Yesterday

in the coffee shop, at the table next to us, was a lady with a bump. 6 or 7 months gone I'd guess, and she was glowing. I'll assume the people she was with were her parents and grandmother. Baby was kicking I presumer, because her 'Dad' had his hand on the bump, and was laughing about the baby being a wriggler. I want that so much.

One of the women Husband works with is pregnant. I wonder what he was thinking when he told me? Strangely, being told a stranger is pregnant doesn't invoke the same feelings of jealousy as when I found out my sister-in-law, or even my work colleague, was expecting. The closer they are are, the harder it is because you see the bump grow, you share their excitement, then you get to cuddle their baby. sigh

I used to feel bad for feeling jealous, but not any more. It's too human, too natural, a reaction to when someone else has something you so badly desire. It's not a bad thing.

And then sometimes I wonder if we'll even be good parents? Are we still too young, too selfish to deserve to care for a little one who'll be totally dependant on us? These feelings are temporary though. I know Husband will make a good dad, and I believe I'll be a good mum. Even if we struggle at first and have the same fears, worries and mistakes as other new parents we'll be fine!

Blood results good!!

Or 'normal' anyway!!
"The result(s) of your recent glucose and cholesterol test(s) have been received; the results are normal and/or do not change the existing management plan."

It just struck me, normal for a healthy person? Or normal for someone with PCOS?? I guess I'll find out on Monday.

Scan date is

9am on Friday 9th May. Only if husband is available to take me though, I'm not going on my own!
Am pleased to finally have a date. Not keen on the idea of an internal scan, but whatever it takes!

Still waiting on my blood results though. Made an appointment to see the doctor on monday, so if not before, I'll know then. Need to get my back checked too, it hurts so much. Especially down the left side, think I've over stretched a muscle. It's not stopping me from doing anything it's just constant aching pain, or uncomfortableness. So Husband insisted I see the doctor about it. He takes care of me!

I'm making our favourite, really not good for us, meal tonight, so need to get off my butt and get the kitchen tidied and prep the vegetables. Then slob in front of the TV and an early night I think.

CD 34 and other than slightly tender boobs, no symptoms to report.

Negative.

I caved and tested, even though I knew. Stupid girl.
Even when I expect it, that missing line is still horrible.
New resolution-only test when I REEEAALLLLLYYYY think there's a good chance. (I know, I keep making and breaking that one!)

Still, husband is home tomorrow. So that's cheered me up.

Two guys from the RAF Regiment were killed in Kandahar Province yesterday. I know he won't be going out on patrol, but it's still scary. Really need to put this out of my head, or November will be here even sooner. Not even thinking about the possibility of it being July. Someone give me a kick.

Cycle day 30... and random bits!

No symptoms, nothing. Guess I'm looking at a long cycle. Well, at least I should get the blood results this week. Take each day and keep hopeful.

Got a sore throat which has been making me feel sick over the last few days. Constant queasiness to add to the stuffed nose and headache. I hate being ill.

Husband is away at the moment, and I'm missing him dreadfully. And it's not even been a week. No idea how I'll survive november.

Went shopping on saturday! I love shopping! And make-up, shoes, bags, perfume (and chocolate!!). Got some nice Urban Decay and Benefit bits. Want some more though. Why do I have such an obsession with make-up? I know it baffles my Hubby dear! And my Mum!

Fat little rats keep fighting. Silly fuzz-butts! They are so fluffy and cute though, shame they aren't more cuddly. I still want a dog though. I wish I could stay home and have a puppy!
Oh dear... stupid Cloud-Rat fell out of the wheel! He really is special!

Little update

I had my blood taken on wednesday, so should hopefully hear next week. Am still waiting on the scan date. Feeling up and down.
Worrying about november. I'm barely coping with him being away a week. 4 months will be torture.
Family stuff.
So much rushing about my head.

Ambs, just over 3 weeks!!! Hope baby girl arrives safely and all goes well. Much love!

Ali, you're a star. Thank you so much for listening (reading??) today. Mwah!

Renewed hope potentially shattered

Well, today I got to see a doctor, re. the letter from the Gynaecologist. The Obs and Gynae Consultant had sent a letter based on what he had been told by the GP and the hormone blood test results. Which, by the way, seemed to show more than what I was told, but never mind now. He recommended Metformin, blood glucose and lipids test, and an ovarian scan.
So I am having the bloods and scan, and when they have all the information, then I will be back to the doctor and probably starting Metformin. I could have started it now, but I want the tests done first. Plus I need to get a pre-paid prescription certificate. £7.10 for a prescription!! Daylight robbery!!!!
Anyway. Not sure how I feel now. Maybe numb. It's not a diagnosis, but this is some thing I have expected. Maybe it'll hit me when I am tired, emotional and alone next week. I'll blow it out of proportion, cry and then hopefully be calmer again. At least it is another step forward, even if a proper diagnosis may feel like a huge leap backwards.