Being Hopeful.

I don't know why. The only symptom I have is EXTREMELY tender boobs. My skin seems to be really sensitive at the moment as well, really itchy at times, but I don't know what that is related to. My boobs are the only thing I am basing these little hopeful feelings on, I can't remember the last time they were this sore!
I know I am only on day 12 of the Metformin, so I really doubt it's worked already, but I can't hush that little voice in my head that is running around excitedly going "What if? what it? Maybe! Maybe! Could be! Could be!" I really do not need to set myself up for another disappointment, but I can't help it!
I did allow myself one moment of pure excited hopefulness at work earlier. Those feelings of 'maybe I could be a Mummy in 9 months' were so fantastic, I don't know how I will contain them when I do get the second little line. I'll be shouting it from the roof tops and telling absolutely everyone!
i would really love to be able to tell my Mum some good news before she goes to Kenya for 3 weeks to see my cousin. That would be The Best!

A Wasted Trip.

Is what Husband had on Sunday. He came home again Monday. He arrived at the Army Camp about 9:30pm on Sunday. I got a phone call at 11pm, he'd been trying to sort out a bed. They didn't have one for him, and he ended up kipping on someone's floor. I got another phone call about 9:30am monday morning on my way to work, to say he shouldn't be there, and is coming home. So either the RAF at his end, or the Army at the other end miscommunicated. I'm thinking the Army, seeing as there was another person there that shouldn't have been. He's got to go again in September.

life - love - life - love ..... Random Musings

This was originally written about 00:15 this morning, so if it doesn't make sense, sorry! it's just a little insight into my mind when I am feeling very happy and satisfied, but oh, so tired!

Why are we here? LOVE

Did the universe create the gods? Come into existence at the same time? Or for argument's sake...
The gods created the universe. Why?
Don't know. Their own personal amusement? Because they could? Or because gods can't exist in nothingness?
But the universe needed a continuously renewing force to keep it alive- Love. And for there to be Love, you need conscious creatures. Creatures that are capable of Love. So the gods created us- people- to Love. We see that Love does good things. Hate and fear bring suspicion, war, famine, plagues, death. Natural disasters as our mother Earth tries to contain and reduce her destructive burden.
But Love?
Love creates. Beauty, truth, peace and life!
Love is the force that renews! Love allows for growth and understanding. To know Love is to know happiness. To be joyful is what we should aim for. Our mother Earth may still try to ease her burden, the human race is getting heavy, or she may wish to stop a source of hate before it starts to spread. But, with more Love, she won't need to.
Peace, beauty, truth, respect, understanding, all come from Love. And we should have respect for each other, for life, then we can achieve beauty, truth and peace. I believe in having beauty before our eyes, truth in our minds, peace in our hearts, hope in our lives, and Love in everything. But most of all, I believe in Love.

For me, love and hope go hand in hand. And I love my Husband more than words can tell, and I have hope that we will fulfil my Baby Dreams!

10th Tablet...

got taken today. Yesterday I learnt that it doesn't mix with fatty foods like Maccy D's, nachos and a huge helping of cheesecake! Maybe that's how it works, foods like those make you feel so bad, you are forced to eat healthily. lol. But I am hoping these side effects ease soon. I am tired of feeing constantly queasy. I am sleeping better though. A real bonus. :) I think I am going to go back to the doctor next week, just to get a check over, make sure my BP is ok, see if I need my bloods checked, and whether or not the dosage should be increased after the 1st month.

Husband left today for a 2.5 week course at an Army Camp 230 miles away. It's preparation for Afghanistan. I'm dreading it more and more. Not just worried for him being there, but how I will cope. Really hoping that special 'Woman's Strength', and ability to cope will get me through it.
We were hoping to make the move back to our home town, nearer our families, but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough for us to be able to rent or buy in the area. Much as I hate this house, MOD Married Quarters have the distinct advantage of being extremely low rent!
Either way, something will work out. Fingers crossed.

Day 4

of the Metformin. Well, day 3 I suppose, since I take them with my evening meal. It's 500mg of the slow release version, and making me feel a bit sick! Fingers crossed it helps!!

PCOS

I finally got the scan results on Wednesday. My doctor had to ring the hospital, who had to fax them over. The scan showed cysts that were 'indicative' of PCOS. And taken with the weight, acne, blood tests and amenorrhoea, that's the confirmation of the diagnosis. I start Metformin next friday. And I need to continue working on the weight loss.

I've been putting on a positive face for so long now, I think I am slightly numb to it all. I know that there is all probability that the Metformin will work and regulate my cycles and I will get pregnant. But also, PCOS can prevent me from getting pregnant. There is a chance that I will never get pregnant. That I will never get this 'thing' that I want so badly. That i will never fulfil my heart's desire. That's a hard thing to face at 22.

Everyone seems to be so positive for me and I really am trying. But deep down, I am bewildered, angry, confused and hurt. Most of all, I am hurting. If i can't get pregnant, I will feel like I have failed. A woman who cannot fulfil a woman's primary role. Oh, I know there is adoption, but that isn't an option for everyone. It's not successful for everyone.

The Metformin is supposed to show an improvement in 3 months. That brings us to Mid-September. Sometime between October and mid-November, my Husband is going to Afghanistan for 4 months. If I don't get pregnant, there will not be much time to try something else, like Clomid, before he goes away. Then that will be more waiting, waiting and doing nothing. It will take us beyond they 2 year point of me being off the pill. I NEVER thought it would be that long. And being so stressed and worried about this, and about Husband being in Afghanistan, will make it harder to get pregnant.

Anything to make this work. Anything.
lol. I even brought an Amethyst crystal (for regulating hormones) and a Rose Quartz crystal (for fertility) today. And a Rose Quartz bracelet. Who knows, maybe they will tap into something unknown in my psyche and do some good. Positive thinking brings positive results right? This is something to focus that positive thinking on, a physical reminder. If it only helps in that respect, they will have been a good purchase!