Scan photo from 25th september. *Love*

Sugar and spice and all things nice...

that's what little girls are made of!

Yup, my scan showed that we are having a little girl!

Well, as sure as the scans can be! Not going mad on buying lots of girl stuff just yet though, will wait until after the 4D scan on 15th november. Soo excited. We weren't really bothered either way, though I know Husband would have loved a little boy to share all his toys and things with! lol. But now I am really looking forward to doing all the girly things :) I did offer to buy Husband a big baseball bat for her 14th birthday (as I know he will definitely be the over-protective daddy!), but he said he already had plans!! Scary thought!

I am doing really well though, just need a decent night's sleep, but I doubt that will happen any time soon!

The bad thing at the moment is that we had my beloved Cloud put to sleep last tuesday (the 22nd). We saw the vet on saturday as I said, and he had an anti-biotic injection and we brought medicine home for him, but although he perked up a tiny bit that evening, he wouldn't eat or drink properly and so we couldn't get his medicine into him. By Sunday evening he had pretty much stopped drinking and all he wanted was to be cuddled by us :( I ended up in such a state Monday morning that Husband refused to let me go to work, so I stayed home, cuddling my fur-baby, and made another appointment fo the Tuesday evening. It was easier than with Geoff and Alfie, as at least I wasn't on my own, but it was so much worse too. Cloud was the last of my 3 fur-babies, who'd been my daily companions while Husband was in Afghanistan. And because he was on his own for so long, he had so much of our attention, it's really left a hole.
I nearly begged Husband to take me to get some more rats when I got so upset while empting the cage this week (we'd moved it into the shed after burying Cloud, but it took me a while to be able to sort it out), but I think it was just as I was so upset and missed him so much. No more pets for a little while, even though the house feels horribly empty when I am home alone. :(

RIP Cloud-baby. Miss you. xx

Triple Test results and a poorly rat

The letter came through yesterday.

"We are pleased to inform you that your recent serum screening blood test has shown your baby is not in the 'increased risk' group for an open neural tube defect (spina bifida) and our estimate of your individual Down's risk for this pregnancy is a low risk of 1 in 100000 (no further tests recommended)."

Fabulous news. :)

But my little Cloud-rat is not well. He'd gotten a little fat, so we cut down on his treats, but over the past week, we've noticed he has lost too much weight and is not eating enough. He feels so skinny- can feel all his bones :( Been feeding him a little chocolate baby food in the evenings, and tiny bits of bread and banana as he won't touch his food. I don't think he is drinking much either. Plus he is making odd noises when he breathes and seems to be panting, Poor baby. I guess it is old age catching up on him. He's seeing the vet on saturday morning. I'm hoping they can help, but I have a horrible feeling that he just doesn't have long left.

Babba B

I should have added this ages ago. This is the scan photo from 24th July. Babba is 10 weeks + 6 days here.

And my Normality Scan date came through this morning- 25th September. Two weeks to wait!

17+6

Almost half way there!!

Update:
I have a little bump now too :) Not a dramatically obvious baby bump, but if I stand straight and look down, I see boobs and bump rather than my feet! Now into maternity jeans, and I must get some more!

I have seen the Consultant at the hospital because of my Hypertension, but they are pleased with how it is going at the moment. But they are giving my an extra Growth Scan at 32 weeks as a high BP can slow Babba's growth. But also, because of my PCOS, I am apparently at a greater risk of Gestational Diabetes (which can make babies bigger!), so I am having a Glucose Tolerance Test in December.

We saw the Midwife on monday and got to hear Babba's heartbeat. Magical. :) She also took the blood for the Triple Test, which tells if you are a high or how risk for Downs Syndrome, Spina Bifida and Edwards Syndrome. If I am at a high risk, we should get a phone call by Tuesday, if it's a low, a letter by friday.

I no longer have such an aversion to garlic, but not keen on strong smelling foods. And if I get a big mouthful, or something is hard to chew and is in my mouth for too long, I gag a LOT! No cravings, which is nice. But I am rather fond of Walkers cheese and onion crisps, though I'm hoping that passes soon, as it's getting boring! lol

Between the getting up to have a wee and the vivid dreams I'm not sleeping wonderfully, so I am very easily tired! But I now have a Dream Genii pillow which makes me more comfortable and stops my rolling over onto my back. And apparently also makes a good breast-feeding support pillow. And as we found it for £15 cheaper than the RRP, a really good buy!

Hopefully I'll get the date for the next scan soon, and then I am seeing the MW at 20+2.

Emotionally:
This I am finding soooooo hard. It's like the worst ever PMT, every day. I can go from happy to weeping, or irrational and snappy in seconds. It is very tiring, as I never know how I am going to be or how I will react to something. At work I end up biting my tongue a lot because I just don't have the patience with stupid customers, I worry that one day it wil be too much and I will end up 'having a go' at someone who pushes me too far. And when I start crying, usually over something inconsequential, or even nothing at all, it can go on for up to an hour before I can talk myself round. I am very aware that I do suffer, mildly, from Seasonal Affective Disorder (which i think triggered my teenage 'depression'), so I want to stay very aware of how I am doing so it doesn't escalate.

But even under all the crying and snapping, I am sooo happy. Now we've seen and heard Babba, it feels very real, and I just want February to hurry up so I can give him/her a big cuddle!



Things are generally good. We are looking at getting a new car as ours is too small. And then we'll be thinking about carseats and pushchairs! That is overwhelming, there is such a choice, and such a price range!! I have picked one I really like, but it is rather expensive! It's a travel system deal that has one of the best baby car seats, obviously the pushchair (!) and a lie-flat carry cot to turn it into a pram. I like it a LOT. Just need at £420! And we are not going to be able to keep buying new ones so i want a good one that will last (possibly to Babba#2!).

Husband is excited, in a manly way! He laughed at me recording Babba's heartbeat on my mobile phone, but still made me Bluetooth it over to his phone later on! I think he is starting to see that my hormones are driving me mad, but I don't think he quite realises the full extent yet! He rubs my tummy a lot, which I love! And I think he quite likes my growing boobs! lol
He is a lot more affectionate too, he always was, but it seems to be even more now. :)
A few weeks ago I was at the medical centre and there must have been a baby clinic going on, as there was quite a few tiny babies in and out! I commented on this later in the evening, how adorable they were. And he said "You'll have one soon enough, you've waited long enough, you deserve it." awwww! Made me melt a little! I love him so much.

The house is still disorganised, but we just don't have the space to organise things away properly! Husband has put in a application for a bigger house, and hopefully we'll hear back next week, or early the week after.

Work is rubbish, as ever. Can't wait for Maternity Leave!!

Really will try to do this ore, so i don't have to do such a long post! Here's to a happy and healthy next 22 (and a bit) weeks!

11+2. I really am going to be a Momma in February!!

Had the scan on Friday, all is well!! Measured at 10+6 so baby is due on 13th February 2010. Just as I had worked out. :)

It was absolutely magical seeing Baby B waving and kicking about. And at one point he turned and faced where the Sonographer was scanning and we could see the heartbeat fluttering away. So perfect. (No, we don't know that baby is a 'he', but I am NOT calling my baby 'it'!)

Then we had the fun of telling our siblings that evening. Everyone is sooo pleased for us, it's fabulous that they excitement isn't contained to just us any more!

We saw much of the family on Saturday. My Dad offered to buy us the cot when we are ready. Fantastic Dad! My Grandparents are thrilled they are going to be Great-Grandparents, and my Aunt that she is going to be a Great-Aunt. My Mum and sisters insisted on going into a few baby shops, and I have ended up with 2 maternity tops and 1 breats-feeding top for my birthday in August. And a My First Steiff Bear from my sisters and a t-shirt and little coat from my younger sister. And 3 sleepsuits, bibs and a little rattle from my Mum. Also, my Mum and younger sister have started knitting! Then from MIL, we collected one of Husband's t-shirts from when he was little, and his baby shawl that MIL knitted, which is beautiful. The t-shirt is important to Husband as his Dad brought it back form one of the oil rigs he was working on, and MIL said it's the only thing he brought back for the children. Very special. baby is already spoilt. And as we both get paid on Friday, I can finally buy something for baby! :) :) :)

Catch-up

I meant to keep this updated properly, oops!

We told my Dad as planned. :) He was very happy. Didn't say much, but then he rarely does. But he had a genuine, pleased smile, that I haven't seen in ages. He's great with babies and little ones, I can't wait to introduce him to ours!

My first scan appointment is coming up! Friday 24th!! A little bit scary, but mostly exciting! I really can't wait. The aching boobs, near constant sicky feelings and aversions to certain foods mean the disbelieving feelings have waned, but I don't think they will go completely until we actually hear that important heartbeat! And then we'll be able to tell everyone! :) Really looking forward to that!

Also to having a more definite EDD so I can start planning maternity leave! Work is really getting to me right now, it's so hot and uncomfortable in there, I always feel so much worse.

I also have an appointment with the Consultant on 4th August, so looking forward to seeing what they say. Then will see the MW at about 16 weeks, and have the next lot of tests. Speaking of, the bloods she did came back as a 'low blood count', so I am on iron tablets, but I don't think they are agreeing with my stomach/digestive system. I'll only have been on the for 4 days this evening, but if things haven't improved in a week, I think I will have to see if I can change them!

Husband seems to be less flappy than before, which is good. I can't wait to see him at the scan, when it becomes really real for both of us.

So, I will really try to keep this more updated! xx

I know I've used some new abbreviations in the last post, so here's what I mean for those that don't know. Also some that may come up in the future.

MIL Mother-in-law

FIL Father in law

BIL Brother-in-law

SIL Sister-in-law

MW Midwife

8+2 8 weeks+2 days, how far along you are

EDD Estimated Date of Delivery

BP Blood Pressure

Telling Mums... and 1st MW appointment!

So, both our Mums were pleased!

Husband kept my little sister talking in the living room while I cornered my Mum in the kitchen and gave her the wrapped book. When she unwrapped the spine and saw the title, she asked If I was trying to drop a hint. I just grinned and nodded and got a huge hug! She was very shocked, but pleased, which was a relief for me. I wasn't so happy when she told me her sickness lasted all through with us, but I don't really mind!
I'm looking forward to telling my Dad on Saturday, and can't wait for the rest of the family to know. I'm sure my sisters will be pretty vocal about it!

With MIL, we were in her kitchen just about to go out, when Husband put his arm over her shoulders (I was leaning against a counter, looking at them from the side) and said "Before we do, Bear and I have some little news." MIL looked at me, I was just grinning, thinking she would guess, then Husband looked at me and said "Go on ", so I just came out with it- "I'm pregnant!"
MIL instantly moved away from Husband and gave me my second huge hug of the day! :) She is also very pleased and was going to tell FIL when she rang him the next morning.

I can NOT wait until we can make it public news!

We had our first appointment with the MW yesterday. I say 'we' as Husband is determined to accompany me to every one, as long as he's not out of the country! She was very nice, 1 of about 5 that I could see at the Med. centre, so I hope they are all as friendly! I've got lots of info to read through, which should keep me occupied for a while! She put me at 8+2, wich is a week ahead of what I guessed, but syhe did say that will porbably change at the scan. So now I am just waiting for the scan date. I am very excited about that. and hopefully it will help Husband to relax a little. I am also waiting for an appointment with a Consultant, due to my hypertension. It may mean I will need extra scans to check the growth of the baby.

All very exciting, and starting to feel more real!

Bigger boobs, feeling sick, not sleeping and already arguing about names??

I am still grinning like a cheshire cat! Though I have to keep looking at the pictures on my phone of the positive tests as I can't believe it is real!
My boobs are definitely a little bigger. They've stopped aching quite as much, though they are still tender. Husband weighed them in his hands last week and said they are definitely bigger and heavier than usual. I think he is quite liking that aspect! I can now notice that they are bigger, I think it may be time to be measured for a new bra this week. Seems ridiculously early to me, but I need something better than the bras I have now.
I am still also feeling sick a lot, but I am assured that that is a good sign :) I haven't actually puked, which is a blessing! Digestive biscuits, Snack-a-Jacks and travel sickness wristbands are my friends! Husband's strawberry milk makes me feel very ill, and I am now wondering if the glass of watered down orange juice I just drank is not going to stay down. I suddenly feel very, very sick :( Sit still, keep breathing, and see if it passes!
Something is making me wakeup early each morning, and usually I can't go back to sleep. No matter what time I go to bed, between 5 and 6am I wake up. I am so tired all the time at the moment. I can nap in the afternoon, wake up and 30 minutes later I want to go back to sleep. I hope this does pass soon because I am unable to get anything done! Also, me waking and getting up to go to the bathroom is disturbing Husband, and I was hoping I would disrupt his sleep quite this early!

Husband is already in over-protective mode. I am not allowed to wear high heels in case I trip (I am rather clumsy at times), not allowed to run up and down the stairs, have to be careful at work. Goodness knows what he will be like when I have an actual bump! I like it though, he's obviously taking it all seriously. We had our first proper discussion about names a few days ago. (all the ones beofre I was pregnant don't count!) We are pretty settled on a name for a boy, though I am not so keen on his second choice. But we are stuck for a girl! There is one we sort of agree on. But he dismissed the one that had been my favourite for years. I may try and work on him a bit more!

We didn't get home to tell out Mum's this weekend, but we are going next Saturday. As it will be, (fingers crossed all goes well) her first grandchild, I am getting a copy of 'The Good Granny Guide' for my Mum. :) I'm going to wrap it up as a belated Mothers' Day gift! Mother-in-law already has 6 grandchildren and I know she's a fabulous Gran, so it doesn't work so well for her! My Dad is home from his operation, tired and sore, but sounded ok when I spoke to him this morning. We will either pop in to see him, but that may mean letting my Grandparents in on the secret, or phoning him. Hopefully Husband will be able to phone his Dad from MIL's.

Happy Fathers' Day to my Daddy, and all Dads everywhere. Hopefully next year we will be celebrating Husband's first Fathers' Day!!

Spotting, Doctor and Work

Not a great start to the day as I had a little bit of spotting this morning. Only a tiny amount, no pain, and didn't continue, but the sight of blood was enough to freak me out. Even though I KNOW that it is quite common in early pregnancy! I'm ok now, but I don't think I will be as relaxed as I was until the 12 week scan now.

Doctor's appointment went ok. She guessed me to be around 5 weeks, felt my tummy, reassured me about the blood, and took details to pass on to the midwife, who I should hear from within 2 weeks. I think it will feel real then. I was a little shocked that she didn't want to confirm the pregnancy, but hey ho.

I told my boss today as I was feeling rough, she said she was pleased for us, and printed off a risk assessment sheet for me to read. I haven't felt so sick this afternoon, which has been nice. Wasn't great this morning. And the horrible headaches I've had since saturday haven't reappeared, thank god! I am very tired though, and my boobs are sore and a little bigger already! Even Husband agrees that they are bigger and heavier!

Hoping to go to out home city next weekend to tell our Mums, and my Dad. Husband's Dad went to Russia yesterday for 7 weeks for work. We didn't realise he was going, and it's a shame we won't see him (haven't been home in a few weeks). Husband did suggest I call them, but I want to do it in person if at all possible!And my Dad is having an operation on his kidneys tomorrow, so didn't want to give him any extra stress.

Pregnant!!!

I used a Clear Blue test Saturday morning, and immediately it came up, so clear! And then I used the second Boots one in the box I had, and got another immediate, positive on Sunday afternoon.

Judging by the start of my last period, I am 6 weeks, but after the negative test on the 5th, I don't think I can be that far along. But I am seeing the doctor Wednesday morning, and we'll go from there.

So unbelievably excited. And flapping a bit! As is Husband, but he is a born worrier!

Early days yet, but fingers crossed.

I will try and keep this more updated from now!

CD40

And no sign of AF. Even the cramping and backaches seem to have disappeared. Stomach still doesn't feel right, Husband gave me a hug, standing behind me the other day, and squeezed, and I had to push him away. Not painful, but definitely uncomfortable! I can't stand any pressure on that area at the minute, but of course, that could be PMT bloating :(

I'm still tired all the time, a bit light-headed sometimes, nausea, definte mood swings, everything that can be PMT, or a pregnancy symptom.

I really don't know. I'll test on saturday, but it's so hard waiting that long! Sometimes I'd like o think I 'feel' pregnant, but maybe that's a hope born of wishing so hard. Still wait and see-ing!

Negative

As above.
Not sure how many more of those I can stand. How many more times can I cry over a god-damn lack of a line?
So waiting for AF to shown. Again.
Added to that, my knee is more painful than usual this morning.
For fucks sake, when do we get a break?

CD35

Husband did come home on 1st April. I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see him! He had his month off work, and we've been spending lots of time together, adjusting to having him home.
I love him so much, and can not express just how happy I am to have him back safe.

1st April also turned out to be CD1. The timing! it really hurt when AF arrived on 2nd May. I'd had silly romantic dreams about us falling pregnant the first month he was home after his 4months away, but it wasn't to be. But the fact that it was a 31 day cycle was good. About the best it's been I think. But I decided to stay as relaxed as possible- he was only just home, and I'd only just got my cycles to a good length. I decided to give it until August before going back to the doctor and seeking further treatment.

So now I am at CD35. And as much as I am trying to stay reasonable, I am tentatively hopeful. I've had no signs of AF arriving, my boobs are only just now starting to feel tender and I don't feel quite 'right'. It's not something I can put my finger on exactly, but either I will have good news, or I'm setting myself up for more tears. But if I am not, I would like AF to arrive soon please!

Husband surprised me yesterday evening. We were watching TV, and an ad for the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor came on, and he asked if I wanted to try it. It's nice to be reminded that he does want this too. He's been so busy at work since he got back, and his back is really hurting him, so we haven't talked much about it lately. I told him I am on the 'wait' at the moment, but I will look at it. Now my cycles are getting to a good length, it might be useful! It's good to know he's as serious as me! And I have noticed the word 'baby' come out of his mouth a lot lately, just in little things, mostly silly things, but it's more than normal. :)

But truthfully, I hope I don't need to. I have a test waiting upstairs for tomorrow or Saturday, and I want it so badly. I can really imagine telling people this time, and things we'll have to buy and things to do. Every pregnant woman/new mum that I've seen today has made me think "Could that be me in 6 months/a year?" I'm even planning on how we'll build up a supply of nappies and wipes by getting a few each time we do the grocery shop after we reach the 12 week point. And buying the first little outfits, and, very important, the first teddy bear.

So much for staying calm and chilled about it. I just want it. But as well as being tentatively hopeful, I am bloody terrified that I am just going to be disappointed again.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself...and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

We all need to believe.

More crapness. Need to get it out.

I am at CD 27. But with my body, that means nothing. I don't have the usual pre-period sore boobs, though I had mild back ache and a cramping sensation earlier in the week. Just waiting really. A small part of me is thinking non-stop, holding on to a tiny bit of hope while being resigned to the fact fact I am unlikely to be pregnant. But it is honestly not my top priority at the moment.

On the 4th Feb I had to have our 'alpha' rat put to sleep. Geoff had a lump on his throat, turned out to be an abscess, which got opened. He had surgery on 30th january to clean it out and came home, seemingly ok. But then wouldn't eat or take the medicine, and the wound re-opened and was infected. The vet and I agreed there was nothing else to do. Making that decision on my own, then coming home and burying my little fur-baby was horrible.

Husband DID get his week's R&R. The only really good thing to have happened this year. Although the stupid weather delayed him, and instead of arriving home the sunday afternoon, he walking in the door at 1am the tuesday morning. We had a good few days though. He's been smoking while out there (though promises to quit when he's home in april), and the smell remindd me of when we first got together. I did pounce on him a few times just after he'd finished a cigarette. I don't think he minded all that much though! lol. I will miss the smell on him, though I hate the small of stale smoke. And the smell in no way makes up for the fact they are little white sticks of death. he left the saturday night, and I immediately felt so alone. That sunday was actually a little worse than after he originally left.

And the two weeks since haven't been easy.
My friend finally got to lay her precious boy to rest, and I think we are all still hurting for her. Her strength is amazing though, and I am pleased for them all that Josh seemed to get a good send off. he was obviously very loved.
I found out my Dad has to have an operation at the end of March. He has always had kidney trouble, and now his right kidney is doing 97% of the work. If this operation doesn't make it better, he will have to lose the left kidney. This scares me quite a bit. I'm not close to him, and I am still rather angry about how things went between him and my Mum, but he's still my 'Daddy' and I do love him.
A friend of mine is having trouble in her marriage, and with 3 young children, I am concerned for her. She does a lot for other people and rarely seems to put herself first, so I am hoping they will work things out. Or at least, she will come out of this without getting too badly hurt.
It's been 6 months since I had any contact (except christmas cards each way) with the girl who was my best friend at high school, and witness at my wedding. I geuss that friendship is over now.I guess I can feel good that I made the last effort to stay in touch. And not so long ago, i found out things that made me wonder if she, and the the third girl that made up of 'best-friends' trio, were actually as good as friends as I had thought. Kinda takes the sting out a little.

And then yesterday. I went from 3 rats to 1 in just over 3 weeks. Alfie, the 'beta' had seemed to be missing Geoff, he went rather quiet. Then he got snuffly, and seemed to have a little trouble breathing, so I made a vetinary appoinment for the first time I could, thursday evening. I thought it was mycoplasmosis, which we thought Cloud had suffered with in september (rats carry it, and I was half expecting it to reappear). He got bad suddenly on wednesday evening, and then dies while we were on the bus into town. I was checking on him every few minutes, and between one check and the next, 5 minutes before our journey end, he'd stopped breathing and gone.Keeping myself togther on the rest of the journey and then while texting the friend who was going to pick me up from the vet was hard. Doing it while on the phone, explaining why I wouldn't be needing to see the vet was impossible. I don't think I've ever stood in the street and cried before. My friend met me, and took me to hers for a cup of tea and cuddles with her gorgeous cocker spaniel. They helped a little. I buried poor Alfie this afternoon next to Geoff, who was next top where we buried Siggy. So now Cloud is all alone. And I have to tell my Husband. I sent him an e-bluey early in the week, saying I was worried Alfie wasn't well. And I left an MSN messgae for him on thursday saying I was at the vet, in case he got online, but I dont know if he got it. I need to tell him over the phone, or at least while he is there on MSN.

There's been other bad things happending to people I care about. And while it's not affecting me personally, I feel bad for them. Whether it's work, money, health or more personal, I just want to give everyone a big hug and take the pain away. Almost everyone I know is in need of a break right now.

Certain friends have told me how strong I am for coping while Husband is away. And in my more contemplative moods, i imagin this strenth to be a steel pole running through me, holding me up. But everything bad thing that happens, is like that steel pole being whacked with a crow bar. Whether it's a big 'whack' or a little one, they are all making it crumple. And I'll admit I am a little scared of what will happen if there's another big hit.
Half of me is missing, he's working in a warzone, and day-to-day, I don't know how he is.
A couple of times a day, I check the 'Latest Headlines' drop-down menu on firefox. Usually if someone is killed out there, it says what they are, soldier, marine etc... One wednesday is just said 'four British troops'. And I had a small, irrational panic attack. I am desperately sorry for the families who have lost someone, and insanely pleased it is not me. Just over 4 weeks to go. I know I got through 10 weeks before, but these 4 weeks somehow seem even longer.

I'm so tired at the moment, it makes me so much more emotional. It helps, getting it all down though. I should do it more often. It's draining though.

R.I.P Josh.

2009 has not been off to a good start.


On saturday, 24th january, I was out with some old school friends, when I heard the news that the 16 year old son of another, dear friend had been hit by a car and was on life support. On my way home, early sunday morning, I was told that my friend's beautiful boy had died.

I can not comprehend the pain and loss my friend and her family will be feeling now. I am absolutely devastated for them, and wish with all my heart to be able to turn back time and stop this from happening. From all his mother said, I know Josh was a wonderful son, a fantastic brother and the messages left by his friends on facebook memorial pages speak for themselves. This boy was someone to be truly proud of.

My grief and pain are not from any sense of personal loss. But his mother has been a wonderful, supportive friend, and I hurt for her. Every hour she is in my thoughts, and I grieve for her and her family. And I am so proud of how she is dealing with this at the moment. And I hope the support she has, both from near and far, will pull her through when this hits her. No parent should have to face this, it's so wrong.

I am also immensely proud of our group of mutual friends. The love and friendship that exists in this group of (sometimes wildly different) women, some whom have never met face to face, frequently amazes me. I think we are all blessed to be in each other lives.

So, Rest in Peace angel. xxx