More crapness. Need to get it out.

I am at CD 27. But with my body, that means nothing. I don't have the usual pre-period sore boobs, though I had mild back ache and a cramping sensation earlier in the week. Just waiting really. A small part of me is thinking non-stop, holding on to a tiny bit of hope while being resigned to the fact fact I am unlikely to be pregnant. But it is honestly not my top priority at the moment.

On the 4th Feb I had to have our 'alpha' rat put to sleep. Geoff had a lump on his throat, turned out to be an abscess, which got opened. He had surgery on 30th january to clean it out and came home, seemingly ok. But then wouldn't eat or take the medicine, and the wound re-opened and was infected. The vet and I agreed there was nothing else to do. Making that decision on my own, then coming home and burying my little fur-baby was horrible.

Husband DID get his week's R&R. The only really good thing to have happened this year. Although the stupid weather delayed him, and instead of arriving home the sunday afternoon, he walking in the door at 1am the tuesday morning. We had a good few days though. He's been smoking while out there (though promises to quit when he's home in april), and the smell remindd me of when we first got together. I did pounce on him a few times just after he'd finished a cigarette. I don't think he minded all that much though! lol. I will miss the smell on him, though I hate the small of stale smoke. And the smell in no way makes up for the fact they are little white sticks of death. he left the saturday night, and I immediately felt so alone. That sunday was actually a little worse than after he originally left.

And the two weeks since haven't been easy.
My friend finally got to lay her precious boy to rest, and I think we are all still hurting for her. Her strength is amazing though, and I am pleased for them all that Josh seemed to get a good send off. he was obviously very loved.
I found out my Dad has to have an operation at the end of March. He has always had kidney trouble, and now his right kidney is doing 97% of the work. If this operation doesn't make it better, he will have to lose the left kidney. This scares me quite a bit. I'm not close to him, and I am still rather angry about how things went between him and my Mum, but he's still my 'Daddy' and I do love him.
A friend of mine is having trouble in her marriage, and with 3 young children, I am concerned for her. She does a lot for other people and rarely seems to put herself first, so I am hoping they will work things out. Or at least, she will come out of this without getting too badly hurt.
It's been 6 months since I had any contact (except christmas cards each way) with the girl who was my best friend at high school, and witness at my wedding. I geuss that friendship is over now.I guess I can feel good that I made the last effort to stay in touch. And not so long ago, i found out things that made me wonder if she, and the the third girl that made up of 'best-friends' trio, were actually as good as friends as I had thought. Kinda takes the sting out a little.

And then yesterday. I went from 3 rats to 1 in just over 3 weeks. Alfie, the 'beta' had seemed to be missing Geoff, he went rather quiet. Then he got snuffly, and seemed to have a little trouble breathing, so I made a vetinary appoinment for the first time I could, thursday evening. I thought it was mycoplasmosis, which we thought Cloud had suffered with in september (rats carry it, and I was half expecting it to reappear). He got bad suddenly on wednesday evening, and then dies while we were on the bus into town. I was checking on him every few minutes, and between one check and the next, 5 minutes before our journey end, he'd stopped breathing and gone.Keeping myself togther on the rest of the journey and then while texting the friend who was going to pick me up from the vet was hard. Doing it while on the phone, explaining why I wouldn't be needing to see the vet was impossible. I don't think I've ever stood in the street and cried before. My friend met me, and took me to hers for a cup of tea and cuddles with her gorgeous cocker spaniel. They helped a little. I buried poor Alfie this afternoon next to Geoff, who was next top where we buried Siggy. So now Cloud is all alone. And I have to tell my Husband. I sent him an e-bluey early in the week, saying I was worried Alfie wasn't well. And I left an MSN messgae for him on thursday saying I was at the vet, in case he got online, but I dont know if he got it. I need to tell him over the phone, or at least while he is there on MSN.

There's been other bad things happending to people I care about. And while it's not affecting me personally, I feel bad for them. Whether it's work, money, health or more personal, I just want to give everyone a big hug and take the pain away. Almost everyone I know is in need of a break right now.

Certain friends have told me how strong I am for coping while Husband is away. And in my more contemplative moods, i imagin this strenth to be a steel pole running through me, holding me up. But everything bad thing that happens, is like that steel pole being whacked with a crow bar. Whether it's a big 'whack' or a little one, they are all making it crumple. And I'll admit I am a little scared of what will happen if there's another big hit.
Half of me is missing, he's working in a warzone, and day-to-day, I don't know how he is.
A couple of times a day, I check the 'Latest Headlines' drop-down menu on firefox. Usually if someone is killed out there, it says what they are, soldier, marine etc... One wednesday is just said 'four British troops'. And I had a small, irrational panic attack. I am desperately sorry for the families who have lost someone, and insanely pleased it is not me. Just over 4 weeks to go. I know I got through 10 weeks before, but these 4 weeks somehow seem even longer.

I'm so tired at the moment, it makes me so much more emotional. It helps, getting it all down though. I should do it more often. It's draining though.