Wishing, Hoping, Dreaming

One last post.

2010-10-29T10:26:00.002+01:00

I need to create a new blog, now that the wishing, hoping and dreaming has been fulfilled!
But I can't leave this one without a conclusion!

We tempted fate on my due date by going shopping in our home city, which is an hour away form where we live now, and an hour and a half from the hospital I was booked in to! But it didn't work!

My MW attempted a membrane sweep at 40+7 (20th Feb), but couldn't do it. It hurt sooo much! So I was booked in for an induction at 40+14 (27th February).

I was so nervous on the way to hospital, but soo excited! I would be leaving there as a Mummy!
By 10am, I was on the hospital bed being checked. And was given the gel pessary thingy by 10:30am. Lots opf monitoring, lots of walking, much boredom! By 4pm I was having period type aches that got steadily worse, but by 8pm, I was still only 2-3cm. Not enough to be moved to a delivery suite, and as it was the end of visiting hours, Husband had to go home. Cue many tears from me and I was tired, in pain, and a bit scared.
I didn't get any sleep, and by 2am I couldn't cope and called a MW to discuss pain relief. She examined me, 4-5cm, so I could go to delivery and they would call Husband in!
I had blood taken. Tried the TENS machine (hated it), and got on the Gas-and-Air (Entonox). It wasn't great ,but it did give me something else to think about.
I was struggling at 4am, so gave in and asked for Pethidine. This at least allowed me to doze between contractions, and Husband managed to get some sleep.
It wore off around 7:30pm, and soon after things got going and I eventually could start pushing! My baby girl was born at 9:43am with no other assistance (and only left me with grazes, thank goodness!). And then I delivered the placenta naturally at 10:10am.

When she was put in my arms, the tiredness disappeared. I was physically exhausted, but elated. After a bit I went for a shower. This was an awful experience as I was bleeding so much and thought I was going to pass out at one point, but it was also lovely to get clean! I was brought some tea and toast, and then wheeled back onto the ward.

I didn't get much sleep, but spent a lot of time holding my baby and just adoring her! We wnet home the Monday afternoon, and my Mum and MIL came over to meet their new grand-daughter. Chinese take-out for dinner while holding my girl, and another night of little sleep!

Now she's 8 months old, crawling, cruising, chattering in her own little baby language, and generally trying my patience! She's still breast-fed (VERY proud me!), and slowly taking to weaning! Husband is amazing, and a wonderful Father, and my absolute rock.

Things aren't always easy, especially when I am sleep deprived. But deep down I am extremely happy, and wouldn't be without my girl.

Love you Princess xxx

39+3

2010-02-09T14:52:00.002Z

So close!!!

Am hoping things get moving soon, I am a little bored of being pregnant now. Eager to get on and be a Mamma to my little kicking wriggler!

I am getting in practise for broken nights, not intentionally I can assure you! So I now spend most of the morning in bed to try and catch up a little. If I didn't, and went into labour during the day, I'd never have the energy to get through it! but an hour or so nap in the mornign once Husband is at work, and I am generally ok until after dinner.

Baby is about 3/5 engaged, and my bump has dropped quite noticeably. Hoping this means things will get going soon, though I fear she will be late. We have every thing ready, but it's a little frustrating not being able to use anything! Plus FIL goes back to his job in Russia for seven weeks by the 24th of february, and I really want her to be here so he can meet her properly.

The SPD seems to have eased a lot. Whether this is due to her having dropped, or me resting more, I don't know, but I AM so grateful! I still ache a bit and make an effort to be careful. More than an hour on my feet can make things worse, but not like they were, and I am not in pain every evening.

Sometimes, I still can't believe we are actually at this point! Even when I am so tired, grumpy and fed up, I am so excited and happy and grateful.

Hurry up Baby! Everyone has so many hugs and kisses waiting for you, but not as many as me and your Daddy can't wait to give you. We've waited so long for you, and we love you so much, so come out so we can meet you!!

I will miss my bump! Just a little loving post....

2010-01-14T08:02:00.005Z

As much as it gets in the way sometimes, I really will miss it! I love my pregnant body! I love feeing Baby Girl kick, and watching my tummy move as she does! Spent a long time laying back in the bath yesterday morning, just watching my bump. And when she started punching in the lower half where I couldn't see, I watched the ripples she was creating in the water! So much love already. I didn't realise just how much of my attention and thoughts would be already focused on this tiny being, before she's even drawn her first breath. I already know I would give my life for this child. And it is completely true, the love for your child does not detract from your love for your partner, I just have more love to give. I actually love my husband more than ever, for how he loves me and looks after me, and especially the way he talks to my bump. Just love love love!

It all makes up for the SPD (which is worse after skidding on the ice two days ago), the heartburn (which can be triggered by NOTHING!), the hideous hormones (not going into them as this is a happy blog post), and the tiredness and general discomfort.

I still have moments where I can't believe I am actually pregnant. We are actually going to have a baby, and I will actually be a Mamma. :) I will be 36 weeks in two days. Four weeks until her EDD. Slightly scary, more exciting, and inspiring a huge sense of gratitude. For being pregnant and for having such an easy time of it so far. It's not always been 'easy', but in comparison to some, it's certainly been a smooth journey! All the hard bits have been with me, at no point have we had any concern for Baby Girl. Truly feel blessed.

I wish everyone who wants this and has been waiting will have their dreams come true very soon.

Preparation, hormones, a catch up and an apology!

2010-01-05T15:42:00.006Z

Firstly, the apology. Today is 5th January 2010. 3 months since my last post! I am a bad girl, but I will blame hormones and trying to sort baby things!

We now have (I think) everything we need for her. Things for me for hospital and breastfeeding are a different matter! The buggy, carrycot and carseat are by the kitchen door, her clothes and bits are in my wardrobe with a changing mat, a baby bath is leaning against my dressing table, nappies and wipes are on the stairs, the cot is still in it's box in the lounge along with the bedding, and the mattress is leaning against a wall in the kitchen! So we have lots, but we are still so un-organised! Not helped by the fact our house is just too small for all our stuff.
We need to get rid of the dressing table in our bedroom so we can get the cot up. We also have to rearrange books and a TV to get my bedside table back in it's proper spot. The spare room needs to be cleared so we can get a chest of drawers in there so that we have somewhere to actually store her clothes and bits. And although there is 5.5 weeks to go which should be plenty of time, most of what now needs moving is Husband's, and I am rather tired and in pain from my SPD so can't do as much as I want. :(
So, physically, we are half prepared, we just need to get everything in place! Emotionally, I think I am prepared. I am not fazed by the thought of giving birth. One way or another she has to get out! I can't wait to meet her, and I am not scared of the thought of having a tiny person to look after. I think Husband is worried (not the exact words he used!). But I am sure he will quickly fall into his new role once she is here. I don't expect him to be a natural father straight away, but I know he will be able to do it.

SPD is awful. I got diagnosed around the end of November and ended up being off work for a week, 3 weeks before I was due to start maternity leave. It hasn't eased since I've been off, so I'm hoping it will just go when she arrives, as can happen. Some days it's manageable, others it can leave me near tears. I am seeing the physiotherapist at the hospital on the 19th. I hope she can help!

Um, what else???
Oh yeah, I missed my last day of work because of snow! I spent nearly 2 hours trying to get in, but the buses just weren't running properly. We had LOTS of snow that last weekend before Christmas. And we have lots again now! It's pretty, but a pain. Still, hopefully this means it will have snowed itself out by February!
I have another scan on the 22nd December due to my BP. All was fine. But they want me to have another on the 19th as high BP can interfere with the placenta. Please still be ok! I don't want an early delivery!! Hopefully they'll be able to give us an estimate of birth weight and length!

The hormones are driving me mad. The other night I ended up in tears after ruining 2 omelettes. Today I was almost sobbing because of the state of the house... My moods are very unpredictable again! I really don't like feeling this out of control. I'll probably end up snapping someone's head off soon. But, it will be all worth it.

I'll try and stay on top of this now, promise! xx

2009-10-04T17:31:00.000+01:00

Scan photo from 25th september. *Love*

Sugar and spice and all things nice...

2009-10-01T19:46:00.003+01:00

that's what little girls are made of!

Yup, my scan showed that we are having a little girl!

Well, as sure as the scans can be! Not going mad on buying lots of girl stuff just yet though, will wait until after the 4D scan on 15th november. Soo excited. We weren't really bothered either way, though I know Husband would have loved a little boy to share all his toys and things with! lol. But now I am really looking forward to doing all the girly things :) I did offer to buy Husband a big baseball bat for her 14th birthday (as I know he will definitely be the over-protective daddy!), but he said he already had plans!! Scary thought!

I am doing really well though, just need a decent night's sleep, but I doubt that will happen any time soon!

The bad thing at the moment is that we had my beloved Cloud put to sleep last tuesday (the 22nd). We saw the vet on saturday as I said, and he had an anti-biotic injection and we brought medicine home for him, but although he perked up a tiny bit that evening, he wouldn't eat or drink properly and so we couldn't get his medicine into him. By Sunday evening he had pretty much stopped drinking and all he wanted was to be cuddled by us :( I ended up in such a state Monday morning that Husband refused to let me go to work, so I stayed home, cuddling my fur-baby, and made another appointment fo the Tuesday evening. It was easier than with Geoff and Alfie, as at least I wasn't on my own, but it was so much worse too. Cloud was the last of my 3 fur-babies, who'd been my daily companions while Husband was in Afghanistan. And because he was on his own for so long, he had so much of our attention, it's really left a hole.
I nearly begged Husband to take me to get some more rats when I got so upset while empting the cage this week (we'd moved it into the shed after burying Cloud, but it took me a while to be able to sort it out), but I think it was just as I was so upset and missed him so much. No more pets for a little while, even though the house feels horribly empty when I am home alone. :(

RIP Cloud-baby. Miss you. xx

Triple Test results and a poorly rat

2009-09-17T08:53:00.004+01:00

The letter came through yesterday.

"We are pleased to inform you that your recent serum screening blood test has shown your baby is not in the 'increased risk' group for an open neural tube defect (spina bifida) and our estimate of your individual Down's risk for this pregnancy is a low risk of 1 in 100000 (no further tests recommended)."

Fabulous news. :)

But my little Cloud-rat is not well. He'd gotten a little fat, so we cut down on his treats, but over the past week, we've noticed he has lost too much weight and is not eating enough. He feels so skinny- can feel all his bones :( Been feeding him a little chocolate baby food in the evenings, and tiny bits of bread and banana as he won't touch his food. I don't think he is drinking much either. Plus he is making odd noises when he breathes and seems to be panting, Poor baby. I guess it is old age catching up on him. He's seeing the vet on saturday morning. I'm hoping they can help, but I have a horrible feeling that he just doesn't have long left.

Babba B

2009-09-11T17:36:00.002+01:00

I should have added this ages ago. This is the scan photo from 24th July. Babba is 10 weeks + 6 days here.

And my Normality Scan date came through this morning- 25th September. Two weeks to wait!

17+6

2009-09-11T08:43:00.004+01:00

Almost half way there!!

Update:
I have a little bump now too :) Not a dramatically obvious baby bump, but if I stand straight and look down, I see boobs and bump rather than my feet! Now into maternity jeans, and I must get some more!

I have seen the Consultant at the hospital because of my Hypertension, but they are pleased with how it is going at the moment. But they are giving my an extra Growth Scan at 32 weeks as a high BP can slow Babba's growth. But also, because of my PCOS, I am apparently at a greater risk of Gestational Diabetes (which can make babies bigger!), so I am having a Glucose Tolerance Test in December.

We saw the Midwife on monday and got to hear Babba's heartbeat. Magical. :) She also took the blood for the Triple Test, which tells if you are a high or how risk for Downs Syndrome, Spina Bifida and Edwards Syndrome. If I am at a high risk, we should get a phone call by Tuesday, if it's a low, a letter by friday.

I no longer have such an aversion to garlic, but not keen on strong smelling foods. And if I get a big mouthful, or something is hard to chew and is in my mouth for too long, I gag a LOT! No cravings, which is nice. But I am rather fond of Walkers cheese and onion crisps, though I'm hoping that passes soon, as it's getting boring! lol

Between the getting up to have a wee and the vivid dreams I'm not sleeping wonderfully, so I am very easily tired! But I now have a Dream Genii pillow which makes me more comfortable and stops my rolling over onto my back. And apparently also makes a good breast-feeding support pillow. And as we found it for £15 cheaper than the RRP, a really good buy!

Hopefully I'll get the date for the next scan soon, and then I am seeing the MW at 20+2.

Emotionally:
This I am finding soooooo hard. It's like the worst ever PMT, every day. I can go from happy to weeping, or irrational and snappy in seconds. It is very tiring, as I never know how I am going to be or how I will react to something. At work I end up biting my tongue a lot because I just don't have the patience with stupid customers, I worry that one day it wil be too much and I will end up 'having a go' at someone who pushes me too far. And when I start crying, usually over something inconsequential, or even nothing at all, it can go on for up to an hour before I can talk myself round. I am very aware that I do suffer, mildly, from Seasonal Affective Disorder (which i think triggered my teenage 'depression'), so I want to stay very aware of how I am doing so it doesn't escalate.

But even under all the crying and snapping, I am sooo happy. Now we've seen and heard Babba, it feels very real, and I just want February to hurry up so I can give him/her a big cuddle!

Things are generally good. We are looking at getting a new car as ours is too small. And then we'll be thinking about carseats and pushchairs! That is overwhelming, there is such a choice, and such a price range!! I have picked one I really like, but it is rather expensive! It's a travel system deal that has one of the best baby car seats, obviously the pushchair (!) and a lie-flat carry cot to turn it into a pram. I like it a LOT. Just need at £420! And we are not going to be able to keep buying new ones so i want a good one that will last (possibly to Babba#2!).

Husband is excited, in a manly way! He laughed at me recording Babba's heartbeat on my mobile phone, but still made me Bluetooth it over to his phone later on! I think he is starting to see that my hormones are driving me mad, but I don't think he quite realises the full extent yet! He rubs my tummy a lot, which I love! And I think he quite likes my growing boobs! lol
He is a lot more affectionate too, he always was, but it seems to be even more now. :)
A few weeks ago I was at the medical centre and there must have been a baby clinic going on, as there was quite a few tiny babies in and out! I commented on this later in the evening, how adorable they were. And he said "You'll have one soon enough, you've waited long enough, you deserve it." awwww! Made me melt a little! I love him so much.

The house is still disorganised, but we just don't have the space to organise things away properly! Husband has put in a application for a bigger house, and hopefully we'll hear back next week, or early the week after.

Work is rubbish, as ever. Can't wait for Maternity Leave!!

Really will try to do this ore, so i don't have to do such a long post! Here's to a happy and healthy next 22 (and a bit) weeks!

11+2. I really am going to be a Momma in February!!

2009-07-27T10:15:00.003+01:00

Had the scan on Friday, all is well!! Measured at 10+6 so baby is due on 13th February 2010. Just as I had worked out. :)

It was absolutely magical seeing Baby B waving and kicking about. And at one point he turned and faced where the Sonographer was scanning and we could see the heartbeat fluttering away. So perfect. (No, we don't know that baby is a 'he', but I am NOT calling my baby 'it'!)

Then we had the fun of telling our siblings that evening. Everyone is sooo pleased for us, it's fabulous that they excitement isn't contained to just us any more!

We saw much of the family on Saturday. My Dad offered to buy us the cot when we are ready. Fantastic Dad! My Grandparents are thrilled they are going to be Great-Grandparents, and my Aunt that she is going to be a Great-Aunt. My Mum and sisters insisted on going into a few baby shops, and I have ended up with 2 maternity tops and 1 breats-feeding top for my birthday in August. And a My First Steiff Bear from my sisters and a t-shirt and little coat from my younger sister. And 3 sleepsuits, bibs and a little rattle from my Mum. Also, my Mum and younger sister have started knitting! Then from MIL, we collected one of Husband's t-shirts from when he was little, and his baby shawl that MIL knitted, which is beautiful. The t-shirt is important to Husband as his Dad brought it back form one of the oil rigs he was working on, and MIL said it's the only thing he brought back for the children. Very special. baby is already spoilt. And as we both get paid on Friday, I can finally buy something for baby! :) :) :)

Catch-up

2009-07-14T16:11:00.002+01:00

I meant to keep this updated properly, oops!

We told my Dad as planned. :) He was very happy. Didn't say much, but then he rarely does. But he had a genuine, pleased smile, that I haven't seen in ages. He's great with babies and little ones, I can't wait to introduce him to ours!

My first scan appointment is coming up! Friday 24th!! A little bit scary, but mostly exciting! I really can't wait. The aching boobs, near constant sicky feelings and aversions to certain foods mean the disbelieving feelings have waned, but I don't think they will go completely until we actually hear that important heartbeat! And then we'll be able to tell everyone! :) Really looking forward to that!

Also to having a more definite EDD so I can start planning maternity leave! Work is really getting to me right now, it's so hot and uncomfortable in there, I always feel so much worse.

I also have an appointment with the Consultant on 4th August, so looking forward to seeing what they say. Then will see the MW at about 16 weeks, and have the next lot of tests. Speaking of, the bloods she did came back as a 'low blood count', so I am on iron tablets, but I don't think they are agreeing with my stomach/digestive system. I'll only have been on the for 4 days this evening, but if things haven't improved in a week, I think I will have to see if I can change them!

Husband seems to be less flappy than before, which is good. I can't wait to see him at the scan, when it becomes really real for both of us.

So, I will really try to keep this more updated! xx

2009-06-30T16:22:00.002+01:00

I know I've used some new abbreviations in the last post, so here's what I mean for those that don't know. Also some that may come up in the future.

MIL Mother-in-law

FIL Father in law

BIL Brother-in-law

SIL Sister-in-law

MW Midwife

8+2 8 weeks+2 days, how far along you are

EDD Estimated Date of Delivery

BP Blood Pressure

Telling Mums... and 1st MW appointment!

2009-06-30T15:57:00.006+01:00

So, both our Mums were pleased!

Husband kept my little sister talking in the living room while I cornered my Mum in the kitchen and gave her the wrapped book. When she unwrapped the spine and saw the title, she asked If I was trying to drop a hint. I just grinned and nodded and got a huge hug! She was very shocked, but pleased, which was a relief for me. I wasn't so happy when she told me her sickness lasted all through with us, but I don't really mind!
I'm looking forward to telling my Dad on Saturday, and can't wait for the rest of the family to know. I'm sure my sisters will be pretty vocal about it!

With MIL, we were in her kitchen just about to go out, when Husband put his arm over her shoulders (I was leaning against a counter, looking at them from the side) and said "Before we do, Bear and I have some little news." MIL looked at me, I was just grinning, thinking she would guess, then Husband looked at me and said "Go on ", so I just came out with it- "I'm pregnant!"
MIL instantly moved away from Husband and gave me my second huge hug of the day! :) She is also very pleased and was going to tell FIL when she rang him the next morning.

I can NOT wait until we can make it public news!

We had our first appointment with the MW yesterday. I say 'we' as Husband is determined to accompany me to every one, as long as he's not out of the country! She was very nice, 1 of about 5 that I could see at the Med. centre, so I hope they are all as friendly! I've got lots of info to read through, which should keep me occupied for a while! She put me at 8+2, wich is a week ahead of what I guessed, but syhe did say that will porbably change at the scan. So now I am just waiting for the scan date. I am very excited about that. and hopefully it will help Husband to relax a little. I am also waiting for an appointment with a Consultant, due to my hypertension. It may mean I will need extra scans to check the growth of the baby.

All very exciting, and starting to feel more real!

Bigger boobs, feeling sick, not sleeping and already arguing about names??

2009-06-21T16:50:00.007+01:00

I am still grinning like a cheshire cat! Though I have to keep looking at the pictures on my phone of the positive tests as I can't believe it is real!
My boobs are definitely a little bigger. They've stopped aching quite as much, though they are still tender. Husband weighed them in his hands last week and said they are definitely bigger and heavier than usual. I think he is quite liking that aspect! I can now notice that they are bigger, I think it may be time to be measured for a new bra this week. Seems ridiculously early to me, but I need something better than the bras I have now.
I am still also feeling sick a lot, but I am assured that that is a good sign :) I haven't actually puked, which is a blessing! Digestive biscuits, Snack-a-Jacks and travel sickness wristbands are my friends! Husband's strawberry milk makes me feel very ill, and I am now wondering if the glass of watered down orange juice I just drank is not going to stay down. I suddenly feel very, very sick :( Sit still, keep breathing, and see if it passes!
Something is making me wakeup early each morning, and usually I can't go back to sleep. No matter what time I go to bed, between 5 and 6am I wake up. I am so tired all the time at the moment. I can nap in the afternoon, wake up and 30 minutes later I want to go back to sleep. I hope this does pass soon because I am unable to get anything done! Also, me waking and getting up to go to the bathroom is disturbing Husband, and I was hoping I would disrupt his sleep quite this early!

Husband is already in over-protective mode. I am not allowed to wear high heels in case I trip (I am rather clumsy at times), not allowed to run up and down the stairs, have to be careful at work. Goodness knows what he will be like when I have an actual bump! I like it though, he's obviously taking it all seriously. We had our first proper discussion about names a few days ago. (all the ones beofre I was pregnant don't count!) We are pretty settled on a name for a boy, though I am not so keen on his second choice. But we are stuck for a girl! There is one we sort of agree on. But he dismissed the one that had been my favourite for years. I may try and work on him a bit more!

We didn't get home to tell out Mum's this weekend, but we are going next Saturday. As it will be, (fingers crossed all goes well) her first grandchild, I am getting a copy of 'The Good Granny Guide' for my Mum. :) I'm going to wrap it up as a belated Mothers' Day gift! Mother-in-law already has 6 grandchildren and I know she's a fabulous Gran, so it doesn't work so well for her! My Dad is home from his operation, tired and sore, but sounded ok when I spoke to him this morning. We will either pop in to see him, but that may mean letting my Grandparents in on the secret, or phoning him. Hopefully Husband will be able to phone his Dad from MIL's.

Happy Fathers' Day to my Daddy, and all Dads everywhere. Hopefully next year we will be celebrating Husband's first Fathers' Day!!

Spotting, Doctor and Work

2009-06-17T20:34:00.003+01:00

Not a great start to the day as I had a little bit of spotting this morning. Only a tiny amount, no pain, and didn't continue, but the sight of blood was enough to freak me out. Even though I KNOW that it is quite common in early pregnancy! I'm ok now, but I don't think I will be as relaxed as I was until the 12 week scan now.

Doctor's appointment went ok. She guessed me to be around 5 weeks, felt my tummy, reassured me about the blood, and took details to pass on to the midwife, who I should hear from within 2 weeks. I think it will feel real then. I was a little shocked that she didn't want to confirm the pregnancy, but hey ho.

I told my boss today as I was feeling rough, she said she was pleased for us, and printed off a risk assessment sheet for me to read. I haven't felt so sick this afternoon, which has been nice. Wasn't great this morning. And the horrible headaches I've had since saturday haven't reappeared, thank god! I am very tired though, and my boobs are sore and a little bigger already! Even Husband agrees that they are bigger and heavier!

Hoping to go to out home city next weekend to tell our Mums, and my Dad. Husband's Dad went to Russia yesterday for 7 weeks for work. We didn't realise he was going, and it's a shame we won't see him (haven't been home in a few weeks). Husband did suggest I call them, but I want to do it in person if at all possible!And my Dad is having an operation on his kidneys tomorrow, so didn't want to give him any extra stress.

Pregnant!!!

2009-06-15T20:00:00.002+01:00

I used a Clear Blue test Saturday morning, and immediately it came up, so clear! And then I used the second Boots one in the box I had, and got another immediate, positive on Sunday afternoon.

Judging by the start of my last period, I am 6 weeks, but after the negative test on the 5th, I don't think I can be that far along. But I am seeing the doctor Wednesday morning, and we'll go from there.

So unbelievably excited. And flapping a bit! As is Husband, but he is a born worrier!

Early days yet, but fingers crossed.

I will try and keep this more updated from now!

CD40

2009-06-10T09:01:00.002+01:00

And no sign of AF. Even the cramping and backaches seem to have disappeared. Stomach still doesn't feel right, Husband gave me a hug, standing behind me the other day, and squeezed, and I had to push him away. Not painful, but definitely uncomfortable! I can't stand any pressure on that area at the minute, but of course, that could be PMT bloating :(

I'm still tired all the time, a bit light-headed sometimes, nausea, definte mood swings, everything that can be PMT, or a pregnancy symptom.

I really don't know. I'll test on saturday, but it's so hard waiting that long! Sometimes I'd like o think I 'feel' pregnant, but maybe that's a hope born of wishing so hard. Still wait and see-ing!

Negative

2009-06-05T09:52:00.002+01:00

As above.
Not sure how many more of those I can stand. How many more times can I cry over a god-damn lack of a line?
So waiting for AF to shown. Again.
Added to that, my knee is more painful than usual this morning.
For fucks sake, when do we get a break?

CD35

2009-06-04T16:03:00.002+01:00

Husband did come home on 1st April. I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see him! He had his month off work, and we've been spending lots of time together, adjusting to having him home.
I love him so much, and can not express just how happy I am to have him back safe.

1st April also turned out to be CD1. The timing! it really hurt when AF arrived on 2nd May. I'd had silly romantic dreams about us falling pregnant the first month he was home after his 4months away, but it wasn't to be. But the fact that it was a 31 day cycle was good. About the best it's been I think. But I decided to stay as relaxed as possible- he was only just home, and I'd only just got my cycles to a good length. I decided to give it until August before going back to the doctor and seeking further treatment.

So now I am at CD35. And as much as I am trying to stay reasonable, I am tentatively hopeful. I've had no signs of AF arriving, my boobs are only just now starting to feel tender and I don't feel quite 'right'. It's not something I can put my finger on exactly, but either I will have good news, or I'm setting myself up for more tears. But if I am not, I would like AF to arrive soon please!

Husband surprised me yesterday evening. We were watching TV, and an ad for the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor came on, and he asked if I wanted to try it. It's nice to be reminded that he does want this too. He's been so busy at work since he got back, and his back is really hurting him, so we haven't talked much about it lately. I told him I am on the 'wait' at the moment, but I will look at it. Now my cycles are getting to a good length, it might be useful! It's good to know he's as serious as me! And I have noticed the word 'baby' come out of his mouth a lot lately, just in little things, mostly silly things, but it's more than normal. :)

But truthfully, I hope I don't need to. I have a test waiting upstairs for tomorrow or Saturday, and I want it so badly. I can really imagine telling people this time, and things we'll have to buy and things to do. Every pregnant woman/new mum that I've seen today has made me think "Could that be me in 6 months/a year?" I'm even planning on how we'll build up a supply of nappies and wipes by getting a few each time we do the grocery shop after we reach the 12 week point. And buying the first little outfits, and, very important, the first teddy bear.

So much for staying calm and chilled about it. I just want it. But as well as being tentatively hopeful, I am bloody terrified that I am just going to be disappointed again.

2009-03-01T18:09:00.000Z

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself...and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

We all need to believe.

More crapness. Need to get it out.

2009-02-27T20:29:00.004Z

I am at CD 27. But with my body, that means nothing. I don't have the usual pre-period sore boobs, though I had mild back ache and a cramping sensation earlier in the week. Just waiting really. A small part of me is thinking non-stop, holding on to a tiny bit of hope while being resigned to the fact fact I am unlikely to be pregnant. But it is honestly not my top priority at the moment.

On the 4th Feb I had to have our 'alpha' rat put to sleep. Geoff had a lump on his throat, turned out to be an abscess, which got opened. He had surgery on 30th january to clean it out and came home, seemingly ok. But then wouldn't eat or take the medicine, and the wound re-opened and was infected. The vet and I agreed there was nothing else to do. Making that decision on my own, then coming home and burying my little fur-baby was horrible.

Husband DID get his week's R&R. The only really good thing to have happened this year. Although the stupid weather delayed him, and instead of arriving home the sunday afternoon, he walking in the door at 1am the tuesday morning. We had a good few days though. He's been smoking while out there (though promises to quit when he's home in april), and the smell remindd me of when we first got together. I did pounce on him a few times just after he'd finished a cigarette. I don't think he minded all that much though! lol. I will miss the smell on him, though I hate the small of stale smoke. And the smell in no way makes up for the fact they are little white sticks of death. he left the saturday night, and I immediately felt so alone. That sunday was actually a little worse than after he originally left.

And the two weeks since haven't been easy.
My friend finally got to lay her precious boy to rest, and I think we are all still hurting for her. Her strength is amazing though, and I am pleased for them all that Josh seemed to get a good send off. he was obviously very loved.
I found out my Dad has to have an operation at the end of March. He has always had kidney trouble, and now his right kidney is doing 97% of the work. If this operation doesn't make it better, he will have to lose the left kidney. This scares me quite a bit. I'm not close to him, and I am still rather angry about how things went between him and my Mum, but he's still my 'Daddy' and I do love him.
A friend of mine is having trouble in her marriage, and with 3 young children, I am concerned for her. She does a lot for other people and rarely seems to put herself first, so I am hoping they will work things out. Or at least, she will come out of this without getting too badly hurt.
It's been 6 months since I had any contact (except christmas cards each way) with the girl who was my best friend at high school, and witness at my wedding. I geuss that friendship is over now.I guess I can feel good that I made the last effort to stay in touch. And not so long ago, i found out things that made me wonder if she, and the the third girl that made up of 'best-friends' trio, were actually as good as friends as I had thought. Kinda takes the sting out a little.

And then yesterday. I went from 3 rats to 1 in just over 3 weeks. Alfie, the 'beta' had seemed to be missing Geoff, he went rather quiet. Then he got snuffly, and seemed to have a little trouble breathing, so I made a vetinary appoinment for the first time I could, thursday evening. I thought it was mycoplasmosis, which we thought Cloud had suffered with in september (rats carry it, and I was half expecting it to reappear). He got bad suddenly on wednesday evening, and then dies while we were on the bus into town. I was checking on him every few minutes, and between one check and the next, 5 minutes before our journey end, he'd stopped breathing and gone.Keeping myself togther on the rest of the journey and then while texting the friend who was going to pick me up from the vet was hard. Doing it while on the phone, explaining why I wouldn't be needing to see the vet was impossible. I don't think I've ever stood in the street and cried before. My friend met me, and took me to hers for a cup of tea and cuddles with her gorgeous cocker spaniel. They helped a little. I buried poor Alfie this afternoon next to Geoff, who was next top where we buried Siggy. So now Cloud is all alone. And I have to tell my Husband. I sent him an e-bluey early in the week, saying I was worried Alfie wasn't well. And I left an MSN messgae for him on thursday saying I was at the vet, in case he got online, but I dont know if he got it. I need to tell him over the phone, or at least while he is there on MSN.

There's been other bad things happending to people I care about. And while it's not affecting me personally, I feel bad for them. Whether it's work, money, health or more personal, I just want to give everyone a big hug and take the pain away. Almost everyone I know is in need of a break right now.

Certain friends have told me how strong I am for coping while Husband is away. And in my more contemplative moods, i imagin this strenth to be a steel pole running through me, holding me up. But everything bad thing that happens, is like that steel pole being whacked with a crow bar. Whether it's a big 'whack' or a little one, they are all making it crumple. And I'll admit I am a little scared of what will happen if there's another big hit.
Half of me is missing, he's working in a warzone, and day-to-day, I don't know how he is.
A couple of times a day, I check the 'Latest Headlines' drop-down menu on firefox. Usually if someone is killed out there, it says what they are, soldier, marine etc... One wednesday is just said 'four British troops'. And I had a small, irrational panic attack. I am desperately sorry for the families who have lost someone, and insanely pleased it is not me. Just over 4 weeks to go. I know I got through 10 weeks before, but these 4 weeks somehow seem even longer.

I'm so tired at the moment, it makes me so much more emotional. It helps, getting it all down though. I should do it more often. It's draining though.

R.I.P Josh.

2009-01-28T18:40:00.004Z

2009 has not been off to a good start.

On saturday, 24th january, I was out with some old school friends, when I heard the news that the 16 year old son of another, dear friend had been hit by a car and was on life support. On my way home, early sunday morning, I was told that my friend's beautiful boy had died.

I can not comprehend the pain and loss my friend and her family will be feeling now. I am absolutely devastated for them, and wish with all my heart to be able to turn back time and stop this from happening. From all his mother said, I know Josh was a wonderful son, a fantastic brother and the messages left by his friends on facebook memorial pages speak for themselves. This boy was someone to be truly proud of.

My grief and pain are not from any sense of personal loss. But his mother has been a wonderful, supportive friend, and I hurt for her. Every hour she is in my thoughts, and I grieve for her and her family. And I am so proud of how she is dealing with this at the moment. And I hope the support she has, both from near and far, will pull her through when this hits her. No parent should have to face this, it's so wrong.

I am also immensely proud of our group of mutual friends. The love and friendship that exists in this group of (sometimes wildly different) women, some whom have never met face to face, frequently amazes me. I think we are all blessed to be in each other lives.

So, Rest in Peace angel. xxx

CD6

2008-12-29T09:12:00.002Z

Yup, that's right. The last cycle was only 23 days, And then AF only lasted 3 days. WTF?? It was heavy and painful, and then it went. So 44 days, 40 days, 67 days, then 23 days. And because I was at my Mum's for Christmas and forgot, I haven't charted this month. Ah well. Will start again next time.

Christmas was ok. A little awkward at times, but I think that was just how I felt. Husband rang after dinner on Christmas Day, and then again yesterday when i got home, so that was good. And I had a fab evening with my in-laws on Boxing Day. My cousin decided against going in the end, which I was angry about because of the trouble Mum had gone to, but relieved for me. And I got some lovely presents, had yummy food and saw family. Yes I missed my Dad and Nanna, and wanted Bob every minute of the day, but it was good.

I took Geoff to the vet on tuesday. She doesn't know what the lump is, except that it doesn't seem to be attached to the muscle. They only way they can find out is by removal. This will cost £100, an extra £50 to have it sent to the lab to determine exactly what it is, then any antibiotics he may need are on top of this. I think that's quite a lot for a pet that only cost £6! And I would pay it, except rats often don't do so well under anaesthetic.
While he seems to be ok, and not bothered by it, I don't think I want to risk it. Especially with Husband away. Yet if it is better to so it while he is still 'ok'....... I really don't know.
I think I will ring some more veterinary surgeries, see what their prices are, and see how he is in 2 weeks.
He's also go to lose weight! I knew he was a chunky monkey, they all are really! They get the recommended amount of rat nuggets a day (and don't even always eat all that!), and don't get fed a lot of treats, but they are very lazy! So I have to cut all their food down a bit and see. He seems ok, it only bothers him a bit when he's trying to get comfortable laying down. He's happy enough I think, so that's the main thing.

Husband still intends on coming home for a few days in february. I can not wait!!

Gloom and worries.

2008-12-21T22:52:00.004Z

I've had enough now, I want him home. Every thing's all wrong.

Geoff-rat has a lump under his chin. It's fairly hard, and maybe 1cm across? It moves a little if you touch it, not that he likes me doing that. I have to ring the vets at 08:30 tomorrow, but if they can't fit me in at about 16:00 on tuesday, I can't get there until after next weekend. He seems ok, but rats can go downhill so quickly. It appeared over night, between 02:00 when I said 'night' to them, and 08:00 when I came down this morning. I don't need this.

I am dreading Christmas. My last 2 were spent with Husband and his family; the 1 before that with just Husband; and the 2 before that split between my family and Husband's. I don't want to be with my family, horrible as that sounds. It will be my first time there at christmas since my parents split and my beloved Nanna died. Dad and Nanna are in all my christmas memories at Mum's.
My eldest cousin will also be there this year. It's a long story that I am not totally sure of, but in the summer she had her 4 boys taken in to care as she was an unfit mother. I didn't totally agree with how it was done, but it had been building up for a long time, and I believe it was for the best for the children. She drives me up the wall. I haven't seen her in about a year, but every time Mum tells me yet another thing she's done, I just want to shake her. She has no sense. Her mother dies just before I was born, so Mum has been a sort of stand-in for her. She spends a lot of time and energy on my cousin, more than she really should, considering everything else. She needs more time for herself.
My parents divorce. May turn messy. I really don't want to know, I love both my parents, but I hate how this is being handled. My youngest sister is getting more and more against Dad. To be expected I suppose, as she is only only one at home with Mum (middle sister is at uni, so only there in holidays).
My middle sister was diagnosed with MS not so long ago. Dad doesn't know. Seems he never asked after she had health trouble in the spring, though he's been in (sporadic) contact. And so my Grandparents don't know. When talking to Dad and them I feel like I am lying by omission and I hate it. After christmas I am going to tell my sister she needs to tell Dad. It's not like they have no contact, and he's never been an emotional, chatty sport of person. I'm worried he'll find out and get angry at Mum for not telling him.
Dad has health trouble of his own. He's always had kidney/urinary trouble and a recent ultra-sound showed one kidney to be distended. So on tuesday he is to have another scan. One he has to have a radioactive injection for. Yet another worry.
I want christmas over. I am going to my sister-law's on Boxing day, and it is usually good with all the family there. But Husband is usually in the midst of the fun, playing with the kids and being silly, so I am dreading that a bit too.

I miss Husband so much. I am so lonely in the evenings and every little worry or irriation is made worse because he is not here to moan to, or to laugh me out of it. I'm worried sick about him, aside from the war-zone fears, he is ill with a bad cough and cold, and working 11 hours a day monday to saturday, and 7 hours on a sunday. I never know when he's going to be able to ring. I need him so badly. He's hoping to be home for a few days in february as he has week of R and R. Do not let that get cancelled. I'm going out of my mind.

CD10 (just!)

2008-12-10T00:31:00.002Z

So, AF arrived and lasted 5.5 days. About normal for me while I was on the pill (I can't really remember before that!).

I'm so broody. It hurts. It's christmas, it makes it all harder. I want to be planning our family christmas, buying 'baby's first' things, and making our family traditions. I can't dwell on it though. That way madness lies. I am determined that when we have little ones, christmas is going to be magical for them. Some children seem to grow up so quickly nowadays, it's sad.

Husband is ok. It's getting colder out there, although lately it's been 4-8 degrees warmer than it has been here! He's working lots, and I'm worried he'll be exhausted when he comes home. He's hoping for some R&R in february. I am crossing fingers, toes, arms and legs for this! Even if it is just 3 days, it will be in his words, better than nothing. I miss him so much, it's lonely here without him. I need my hubby, I need a hug from him. Much as I love my friends, girls just don't hug the way guys do.

It will be odd, for 4 months, I won't have that awful 2 week wait. Unless of course I think there's a good chance in feb, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. Hopefully this stress free time will be just what is needed.

I'll try and keep this more updated, There won't be much on the baby front, but hopefully it will be a good outlet for me.

CD3

2008-12-03T21:37:00.002Z

Yup, after 67 days, AF arrived! With the worst pains ever. I was bent double, rocking myself and crying in pain monday morning. But they had mostly gone by 3pm. But I decided to start charting my temperature, try to get a good basis for moving things on next summer if we are not lucky before.

So, Husband is away now. I miss him like crazy and evening are awful on my own. I'll admit that I have cried a LOT. I am not someone who is good at living alone. I have spoken to hime a few times and thanks to modern technology, we should be able to keep in fairly good, regular contact. Part of me is glad we don't have children yet, doing this first, long seperation with young ones would have been twice as hard.
I knew I'd have trouble with this, but I really hope it gets a lots easier soon, becaus I am not doing well. I'm making excuses to not go to bed because I hate it all empty, then I don't wnat to get up in the morning because the house is empty. Work is rubbish at the moment. Or maybe it feels more rubbish because I am miserable. Bit of a circle really.

Please let this bit a better length cycle. Please, please, please!
But random tonight, but I am freezing, and need a drink.

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

2008-11-11T08:29:00.003Z

No. I should have expected it right? I have a huge headache. and a heart full of tears I just can't cry. I think maybe I'd feel better for a good sob, but I have to go to work today, I have no time to just sit down and cry.

I have less than 3 weeks until Husband goes. This morning has dragged up all my negative emotions, all the little worries and the big fears.

Today is Armistice Day. I will be observing 2 minutes silence at 11am. Why do men (because, lets be honest, most world leaders ARE men) fight wars? For honour? glory? pride? love of their country? freedom? Or for oil/resources and money? How much less grief would there be without war? I love the ideal of world peace, but I fear neither myself nor my children, or possibly my children's children, will know what that is. I recently read that 1968 is the only year since 1945 a British service person has not been killed on active duty. So many grieving families.

I have nothing else to write now.

CD47

2008-11-10T19:49:00.002Z

I have no symptoms beyond the odd tummy ache, headaches, hunger and a nasty taste in my mouth that won't go away. I also have a superdrug test to use tomorrow. I need to book a flu jab, so i need to know.
I don't want to have to be pregnant whileHusband is away, but I do so desperately want to be pregnant. Ho hum.

CD 42

2008-11-04T15:03:00.002Z

Stupid AF. Where is it?

I had one 'episode' (Is that the right word?) of spotting yesterday, which made me think she'd arrive this morning. Nada. But I am having a few stoach cramps and a bit of backache, so there is still a chance I suppose. But no real chance of the BFP before Husband goes away. Maybe it's a good thing, it'll be better if he's here for all scans and things.

Ah well, lets get him safely away and then back home first.

CD 33

2008-10-26T18:18:00.002Z

Nothing to report. Not even considered doing a test, don't know if I can be bothered to be honest.

I'm really starting to worry about Husband being away now. It's pushing all the TTC malarkey to the back of my mind. I'm still as broody as ever, but right now it is not as important as Husband getting through Afghanistan safely and coming back to me in one piece, and me getting through those 4 months without completely going out of my mind.I'll be doing fine, then someone else will bring it up, and I'll start thinking about it all. Argh!

And we still don't know exactly when he is going to leave!! We, well I am planning for it being the 29th Nov, his original date. Hopefully we'll hear next week, because if he is leaving then, he has most of november booked off, apart from 2 days at a course thing up north, and a week on camp.

I hate not having things sorted. :-(

And, if I am not pregnant before he leaves- I'll work hard at losing weight and saving money while he's away. And getting the house organised proper places for everything, (especially paperwork!), and a good routine for housework. Then we can really go for it when he is back, and if there is nothing after 6 months, I'll demand a referral to the fertility clinic. I think that's probably the best way forward now.

CD20

2008-10-13T09:42:00.002+01:00

So. Husband hasn't put his PVR in. The current financial situation increases the risk of us not being able to find jobs with a decent pay. So he's planning on putting it in when he gets back from Afghanistan. The plan is still there, just postponed! It makes sense, and will give us more time to save.

However, we now don't actually know when he's going away, or even when we should know. It could be at any point form his original date of 29th November until sometime in January. I have the week before his November date booked off work, which can be cancelled if need be. But if he goes in December, I will have to fight to get any time off. It is driving me up the wall, not knowing. Obviously it would be fantastic if he is here for his 25th and Christmas, but the longer it is until he leaves, the longer I have to wait for him to be home. IYGWIM.

So everything is completely up in the air again.

I can't...

2008-10-02T16:27:00.002+01:00

I don't think I can do it. I can't go back on the pill.

A friend came into work with her 5 month old girl today. I was enjoying a cuddle when another colleague said "you'll have to get one of those Paula", "you really should have one".
It took every once of self control not to let the tears spill.

Why is it so fucking hard?

Life changing decisions. Part 2.

2008-09-30T19:11:00.002+01:00

This comes out of what we decided. I haven't discussed it with Husband yet, it's more of a face to face thing.

It breaks my heart to admit this, but I think I will have to go back on the pill when he gets back from Afghanistan.

It would be so hard to make this change, and pay for a baby at the same time. I wouldn't be able to get a job if I was pregnant/wouldn't qualify for good enough maternity pay. Even if it's for 6-9 months, long enough for me to have been in a better paid job. So we know what we are doing, money wise.

I don't want to do this but sensible, practically, responsibly... I think we may have to. I am terrified that if I go on the pill again I will have to go through all this heartache again. But I cannot bear the thought of being pregnant, unemployed, and Husband not getting a good enough paid job. I am going to have to be strong enough to make my head rule my heart for once. but I don't know if I can.

I want to be telling all our friends and family we are expecting. I want to watch my growing bump, and feel that awe and joy at the scans. I want to be excited about meeting our baby, then proudly showing him off to the world. I want to be buying baby clothes, pushing a pram, enjoying those first smiles and words. I want to plan a big celebration for baby's first birthday. I want to be doing all this and more, and I don't want to have to wait another year, or 2 years, or maybe even more. But I think we are going to have to.

Life changing decisions.........

2008-09-30T18:25:00.003+01:00

We've made one. I didn't post this last night because I was still thinking lots about it. But Husband has decided he has had enough and wants out of the RAF.He will put in for PVR (Premature Voluntary Retirement) as soon as he has finished this course (He's away, leaning the equipment he'll be using in Afghanistan), and will be out after 12 months. Possibly 6 if he gets a job with the Police, or some where like that. This is rather scary.

It means I need to find a job back in our home city (about an hour long drive from where we are now). Given the current financial climate, and the fact I have no work experience beyond basic retail, this will be quite hard. I am not looking forward to this, but I think it will do me good. I don't even know what area I want to work in, I am looking at everything at the moment.

Thanks to his military experience and the training and qualifications he's got through that, Husband shouldn't find it too hard to get a job. Touch wood. Though it's unlikely the wage will match his current one.

Then there will be a deposit to find, more rent to pay, and things that we get cheaper for living in military accommodation will rise. Quite considerably, I assume. This means a fair few sacrifices to be made- a 'cheap' Christmas, cutting down the Sky package, being rather strict when food shopping, no holiday next year, no unnecessary purchases... I won't be having driving lessons after Christmas (this does make me sad), no kitten for me (*sob*). Hopefully nothing more than what we can handle, though it may take some getting used to.

I know we'll both be much happier when we know what we are doing. Husband hates his job. I hate my job, and where we live. We just need to get to where we want to be.

Thoughts from earlier....

2008-09-29T23:45:00.002+01:00

This is what I was thinking as I came home on the bus.

Sometimes I think I'm not going to get pregnant without further medical intervention. And I should just accept this. I feel like I am drowning in the grief and anger and frustration this is all causing. I really don't know how people who have been doing this for longer than me can keep their heads above it all. I am struggling.

I do not cope well with bad emotions. I get... overwhelmed. With Husband going away for so long, I am slightly concerned on how I will deal with it all. I don't want this, but I am not sure how to deal with it at the moment.

CD2...a bit tmi...

2008-09-25T19:36:00.002+01:00

I think yesterday was actually CD1, there wasn't really much on Tuesday after all.

But yesterday was awful, and have never had so much pain (Since the first 'break-through bleed after I started taking the pill when I was 18). :-(
I finally got to bed about 1am after alternatively walking round and round, and being curled up as tight as possible. I could almost feel the muscles cramping and relaxing, making me feel so sick.

Normally when I've had bad pain, it lasts less than 24 hours, but I am still feeling so sore. Work was a nightmare today, I just wanted to curl into a ball, but was mostly stuck standing at the till. I don't want 'proper' food, and I've gone back to craving chocolate every few hours- and I was doing so well at weaning myself off!!

Abbreviations

2008-09-23T22:19:00.003+01:00

Just looking at that last, short, post, I realised I use a lot of abbreviations at times, and unless you are trying for a baby/nosing on baby forums, you might not know what they are.
So, if that's the case, these are the ones I use most often or may use in future...

AF - Aunt Flo (twee name for a period, bad habit I've got into, but it's much quicker to type!)
CD - Cycle Day (which day of my menstrual cycle it is)
CM - Cervical Mucus
EWCM - Egg White Cervial Mucus (a good sign of ovulation)
FSH - Follicle Stimulation Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Follicle-stimulating_hormone)
LH - Luteinizing Hormone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luteinizing_hormone)
MC - Miscarriage
MMC - Missed miscarriage
Met. - Metformin
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kits
Ov - Ovulation
Ov'd - Ovulated
PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
POAS - Pee/Peeing On A Stick (doing a pregnancy test)
TTC - Trying To Conceive
+ve - Positive (Pregnancy Test)
-ve - Negative (Pregnancy Test)

That's all I can think of for now....

CD1?

2008-09-23T22:04:00.002+01:00

Well, it seems AF has arrived.
So, that was a 39 day cycle. 5 days shorter than last time, which is a step in the right direction.
And so it's starts all over again!

CD38

2008-09-21T21:19:00.004+01:00

And feeling crap. I caved and tested on Wednesday. Not a glimmer of a line, unsurprisingly really, but it hit me hard. I just feel like such a failure right now. Husband is still laid back about it, I think he is so focused on work and Afghanistan at the moment, it's not such a big issue for him. Honestly, I think he would prefer me to get pregnant after he gets home, but he's willing to keep trying! Still it's only 2 months until he goes :-(

I changed my Metformin dosage yesterday. I was taking 2 tablets of 500mg of slow release Metformin once a day (evening), and now I'm taking 1 tablet of 500mg normal release, 3 times a day. Had a bit of a dodgy tummy, but nothing too bad. I think I am going to take 8 weeks of this (if I don't get pregnant), then stop. Maybe. I am not sure if I'll be able to keep taking it while Husband is away, some doctors will only prescribe it for TTC-ers.

I'm not sure if/when I ov'd this months, but I guess AF is on her way, because I've been having period type stomach cramps, backache and sore boobs. Added to the sick feelings (Met. side effect?), I'm feeling really sorry for myself! Slightly concerned because I have had some odd, sharp pains over the past week and a bit, but fingers crossed they'll disappear now. Or it'll be back to the doctor.

CD28

2008-09-11T14:49:00.003+01:00

Every time I sell a pregnancy test to a woman, I try, discreetly, to look at their face. And I wonder, is this test for you? What are you hoping for? Have you been trying month after month, waiting for that little line? Or are you hoping and praying that it is negative? It's helpful to remember that other will be going through the same thing. But I feel desperately sad, even a little angry, (even though I've been there) when I see the 14-18 year olds come in, embarrassed about buying a test.

I'm seeing babies and bumps everywhere again. One of our regular customers brought her baby girl in for the first time this week. Absolutely gorgeous little thing, big brown eyes looking up at the 3 or 4 women gazing at her, all coo-ing! And it really tugged at my heart. When I first came off the pill, I really thought we would have had our baby by now. I thought I'd be taking my own baby in to work to show off, planning their first christmas.... Instead, I am still waiting for my menstrual cycle to regulate (CD28 and no symptoms of anything), and planning my first christmas (and had better be the last!) without Husband.

Why me? Why us? It's just so damn unfair. For eveytone who's been at this TTC game for more than a year. Why are there no simple answers?

CD 20

2008-09-03T22:53:00.002+01:00

So. Had no sign of ovulation, so, who knows. Tired of waiting.
Time is running out before Afghanistan.
No real update, because I don't know where I am.

CD12

2008-08-26T21:29:00.002+01:00

So we start moving on to what may be the interesting part of the cycle. Fingers crossed I ovulate and we 'catch' the egg!
So broody, it's starting to hurt again. Still, we'll get there.

I think it was seeing the nieces over the bank holiday weekend. They are such lovely girls, and I am really looking forward to bringing another child into such a wonderful, loving family that my husband has.

Sightly different with my family, I love them all (I think), but I don't always like them/what they do. I feel bad that I am not closer to my parents and sisters, and that we spend more time with Husband's family then with my Mum, but we are both more relaxed with his family. I think it was my upbringing (quite strict), and my parents' (well My Mum's, not sure about my Dad) faith that places the constraints. My family's got messier as I've got older, it's adding to the distance I'm not-entirely-intentionally placing between us. I have troubles enough of my own without being involved in theirs. Gah, that sounds so selfish and horrible. But I can't do it, I know from experinece that if I take on too many worries, it'll take over. Especially with November coming up.

No title

2008-08-21T14:44:00.003+01:00

Well, my period lasted 5 days, and was a lot lighter than I'd expected. I hope that's not a bad sign....

Husband is going to Afghanistan on 29th November. That probably means he'll leave home on 28th. So there is now less time of him being at home that what he'll be away. I am not coping well already. I make jokes about his 'desert holiday', but every time I think about it, I feel sick.

Added to which, I seem to have post-menstrual tension. I am irritable, head-achey, and constantly on the edge of tears. Really not fair.

Still have my fingers crossed for this cycle though. As always.

CD1. mostly positive!

2008-08-15T20:50:00.002+01:00

That's right folks, after a 42 day cycle, and the day after my 23rd birthday, dear old aunt flo arrived!

Painlessly at first, but The sicky feelings, back ache and stomach cramps have been increasing all day. Pre-pill these would only last the first day, so I hope I am ok tomorrow, as we are going to Mother-In-Law's in the afternoon.

But I had a fabulous birthday yesterday. Husband is wonderful, and made it all about me! I got brekfast in bed, then he brought my presents up. I had a nice long bath that morning, then at lunch I said, "I kinda fancy Macdonalds". So that's where we went! Plus we got me a birthday cake, and Mario Party 8 for the Wii. We had fun playing that in the afternoon, then cooked roast lamb together. Plus I had the wonderful surprise of a beautiful bunch of flowers from a good friend that I have not actually met IRL. Really made my day.

And i am very glad AF didn't arrive to spoil my day!

So fingers crossed that this is the lucky cycle!

Oh, adn on a side note, I went for a blood pressure check this week. I've lost 11kg since I saw the nurse 6 weeks ago, and my BP is going down. :-) So, good things.

CD38

2008-08-10T22:01:00.001+01:00

Nothing. No change. No signs. No hope even.

Feel shitty.

Second month of higher dose Metformin, and still waiting for AF to show.

CD32

2008-08-04T14:19:00.003+01:00

No signs of the bitch. Slightly achey boobs, but I think that may be the result of Wii Fit jogging without a properly supporting bra! Ooops!

I guess I am resigned for now. Which means that later tonight, or tomorrow after I see the doctor, I will get hysterically upset.

Why can't this be just a little bit easier?

CD 31

2008-08-03T13:39:00.003+01:00

Had another negative on friday, so I wasn't just testing too early on wednesday. Crap.
All symptoms have gone, , not even got PMS ones. It's not fair.

Been a small collection of BFNs amongst a group of my friends, it's not fair on any of us.

Just got to wait for dear old Aunty Flo to arrive now, the bitch.

I gave in

2008-07-31T14:26:00.002+01:00

and tested.

Negative. The test I used is meant for the day after the first day of your missed period, and I'm 2 days early for that. So there's a tiny, minuscule shred of hope. Somewhere.

Not sure I can keep doing this to myself, I don't know where I can keep finding emotional strength from. If I can find any more. Been kicking myself all day for testing early.

If my period doesn't show by saturday, I'll test again. But after that, I am not testing until I am at least 4 days late. Ever.

CD25

2008-07-28T15:53:00.004+01:00

It's too hot! it is 27 degrees here today, was 29 at the weekend. It's ok in the breeze, but this house holds the heat and gets ridiculously stuffy, especially at night.
It's killing me, I feel so pathetic when I am too hot.

Not much to report, various things that could be attributed to the heat, or PMS- tired and lethargic, feeling sick, headaches, some odd tummy pains....
My tea tasted slightly odd again today. Better than last time though. Hmm, but just as I've finished this cup, I've developed a headache, well the one I had got a lot worse. Same thing happened with my cuppa on thursday. Good sign? Bad sign? Or, just one of those things?

Going through stages of being very hopeful, believing we have a good chance, then not believing we could have been that lucky and losing hope. I can honestly say, emotionally, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I hope that when baby gets here, he appreciates all I've gone through! lol

Symptom Spotting

2008-07-25T17:41:00.003+01:00

So, CD22. Ho hum. I'm tired, irritable, going through periods of feeling sick, then being very hungry, and my tea doesn't taste like tea! Not testing for at least another week, maybe 2. Staying hopeful, as ever. If I did ovulate when I suspected, there's a good chance I am pregnant. The Metformin may have done the trick!

Or, I am just symptom spotting again, and it will all end in tears, again.
This TTC malarkey is turning out to be harder than I thought, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I still believe we will succeed. And. compared to some people, 18 months really isn't that long to wait. So if I am not this cycle, we go on to the next.

But that little question is still dancing round my head- "what if?" Followed by "I could be!" (insert smiley face, dancing bananas and lots of bouncing giddiness)!

Eighteen Months

2008-07-21T15:28:00.003+01:00

since I took my last contraceptive pill. I never thought it be this long before I got pregnant. It's been a very long and hard year and a half, and the longer it goes, the harder it gets. Lots of watching and waiting, and I've never been the most patient person! There's been lots of tears, some in front of Husband, but many more in private. And all I can do is keep going, keep waiting and keep hoping. And I do keep hopeful. I have to.

Ovulations pains?

2008-07-17T18:35:00.004+01:00

Well I forgot about the OPKs. Too much else on my mind, but it doesn't matter.
Yesterday morning I had what MAY have been ovulations pains. A not-too-sharp stabbing pain that lasted about 10 minutes. It may have been, or it may have just been something else. I do seem to have had a bit more CM over the past couple of days, so those signs are good. Just that awful 2 Week Wait now. Yesterday would have been CD 13. Hmm, maybe I'll persuade Husband we need another early night tonight!!

Still hoping!

2008-07-14T15:41:00.006+01:00

Still longing, still so broody, but thankfully it is not making me desperately upset at the moment.

I started a double dose of the Metformin on saturday, so we'll see how it goes. No bad side effects yet :-)

I'm on cycle day 12. I have decided to try some Ovulation Predictor Kits this time, starting tomorrow. I have a pack of 5 upstairs, and this is me being hopeful that this will be a normal-ish length cycle. Will just have to wait and see how that goes.

Next monday will be 18 months since I came off the pill. I don't really want it to get to the 2 year point. Also, when they come to work out how long we've been trying, the doctor hinted that they will subtract all the months Husband has been away. So that could add 4 or 5 months onto it. I really don't want that.

But life is generally good. Next saturdy we are going to Birmingham to meet some internet friends of mine. I am very excited and rather nervous about this. Between them, these girls have been my rock through this, and i cn't wait to finally meet some of them in real life! Not sure what Husband thinks of it all to be honest, but he is coming along without making much fuss! I'm going along to his hobby event in september, so it's all fair!
I'm not sure why I am so nervous about this meet. We all know quite a bit about each other already, so it should just be like catching up with some old mates. Hope so anyway, because I still get quite shy.

I will try to update here more regularly (I'm sure I've said that before!). But there's been nothing to reprt, and because I've been calm about it, I haven't needed any little rants to release the emotions. Still, getting into a regular habit will make is easier to get the emotions out before they build up too much.

Cycle Day One

2008-07-04T16:31:00.002+01:00

And so it begins again. Feel stupid for getting so excited and disappointed yesterday, but I guess that's part of this journey. If only pre-menstrual and pregnancy symptoms weren't so similar.

But please, please, please let this be a normal length cycle. That last one was about 111 days.

So, onwards again. There's a cup of tea waiting to be made, and some chocolate waiting to be eaten, the best comfort! And fingers crossed.

negative.

2008-07-03T17:38:00.002+01:00

very clearly, no chance of mistaking it, negative.
Thanks a fucking bunch body. Sick with disappointment about sums it up. I really, really thought there might be a chance. Another month of failure goes my, and what can I do but pick myself up, re-apply my make-up, and keep going.

My boob are still tender

2008-07-03T15:20:00.002+01:00

They feel sore and heavy and it's annoying me. I couldn't even be comfortable in bed last night as my preferred sleeping position is on my side, with my right arm curled down over my chest, all tucked in a snuggly. Only, it meant I was squashing my breasts, and it hurt!
I think maybe I am putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. But I have the sore boobs, I am very tired, thumping headache and it's about 2 weeks after I noticed a load of EWCM. Only, and here is the big TMI warning, I think I am bleeding. Or spotting at least. Earlier I noticed my CM was a bit pinky, so I checked again. Some bright pinky red blood, but only really noticable after an 'internal' check.
Do I or don't I test? I brought one, in case. I don't know!!!

Being Hopeful.

2008-06-24T16:12:00.003+01:00

I don't know why. The only symptom I have is EXTREMELY tender boobs. My skin seems to be really sensitive at the moment as well, really itchy at times, but I don't know what that is related to. My boobs are the only thing I am basing these little hopeful feelings on, I can't remember the last time they were this sore!
I know I am only on day 12 of the Metformin, so I really doubt it's worked already, but I can't hush that little voice in my head that is running around excitedly going "What if? what it? Maybe! Maybe! Could be! Could be!" I really do not need to set myself up for another disappointment, but I can't help it!
I did allow myself one moment of pure excited hopefulness at work earlier. Those feelings of 'maybe I could be a Mummy in 9 months' were so fantastic, I don't know how I will contain them when I do get the second little line. I'll be shouting it from the roof tops and telling absolutely everyone!
i would really love to be able to tell my Mum some good news before she goes to Kenya for 3 weeks to see my cousin. That would be The Best!

A Wasted Trip.

2008-06-24T16:08:00.002+01:00

Is what Husband had on Sunday. He came home again Monday. He arrived at the Army Camp about 9:30pm on Sunday. I got a phone call at 11pm, he'd been trying to sort out a bed. They didn't have one for him, and he ended up kipping on someone's floor. I got another phone call about 9:30am monday morning on my way to work, to say he shouldn't be there, and is coming home. So either the RAF at his end, or the Army at the other end miscommunicated. I'm thinking the Army, seeing as there was another person there that shouldn't have been. He's got to go again in September.

life - love - life - love ..... Random Musings

2008-06-22T22:35:00.004+01:00

This was originally written about 00:15 this morning, so if it doesn't make sense, sorry! it's just a little insight into my mind when I am feeling very happy and satisfied, but oh, so tired!

Why are we here? LOVE

Did the universe create the gods? Come into existence at the same time? Or for argument's sake...
The gods created the universe. Why?
Don't know. Their own personal amusement? Because they could? Or because gods can't exist in nothingness?
But the universe needed a continuously renewing force to keep it alive- Love. And for there to be Love, you need conscious creatures. Creatures that are capable of Love. So the gods created us- people- to Love. We see that Love does good things. Hate and fear bring suspicion, war, famine, plagues, death. Natural disasters as our mother Earth tries to contain and reduce her destructive burden.
But Love?
Love creates. Beauty, truth, peace and life!
Love is the force that renews! Love allows for growth and understanding. To know Love is to know happiness. To be joyful is what we should aim for. Our mother Earth may still try to ease her burden, the human race is getting heavy, or she may wish to stop a source of hate before it starts to spread. But, with more Love, she won't need to.
Peace, beauty, truth, respect, understanding, all come from Love. And we should have respect for each other, for life, then we can achieve beauty, truth and peace. I believe in having beauty before our eyes, truth in our minds, peace in our hearts, hope in our lives, and Love in everything. But most of all, I believe in Love.

For me, love and hope go hand in hand. And I love my Husband more than words can tell, and I have hope that we will fulfil my Baby Dreams!

10th Tablet...

2008-06-22T21:27:00.004+01:00

got taken today. Yesterday I learnt that it doesn't mix with fatty foods like Maccy D's, nachos and a huge helping of cheesecake! Maybe that's how it works, foods like those make you feel so bad, you are forced to eat healthily. lol. But I am hoping these side effects ease soon. I am tired of feeing constantly queasy. I am sleeping better though. A real bonus. :) I think I am going to go back to the doctor next week, just to get a check over, make sure my BP is ok, see if I need my bloods checked, and whether or not the dosage should be increased after the 1st month.

Husband left today for a 2.5 week course at an Army Camp 230 miles away. It's preparation for Afghanistan. I'm dreading it more and more. Not just worried for him being there, but how I will cope. Really hoping that special 'Woman's Strength', and ability to cope will get me through it.
We were hoping to make the move back to our home town, nearer our families, but I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough for us to be able to rent or buy in the area. Much as I hate this house, MOD Married Quarters have the distinct advantage of being extremely low rent!
Either way, something will work out. Fingers crossed.

Day 4

2008-06-16T19:04:00.002+01:00

of the Metformin. Well, day 3 I suppose, since I take them with my evening meal. It's 500mg of the slow release version, and making me feel a bit sick! Fingers crossed it helps!!

PCOS

2008-06-06T22:26:00.003+01:00

I finally got the scan results on Wednesday. My doctor had to ring the hospital, who had to fax them over. The scan showed cysts that were 'indicative' of PCOS. And taken with the weight, acne, blood tests and amenorrhoea, that's the confirmation of the diagnosis. I start Metformin next friday. And I need to continue working on the weight loss.

I've been putting on a positive face for so long now, I think I am slightly numb to it all. I know that there is all probability that the Metformin will work and regulate my cycles and I will get pregnant. But also, PCOS can prevent me from getting pregnant. There is a chance that I will never get pregnant. That I will never get this 'thing' that I want so badly. That i will never fulfil my heart's desire. That's a hard thing to face at 22.

Everyone seems to be so positive for me and I really am trying. But deep down, I am bewildered, angry, confused and hurt. Most of all, I am hurting. If i can't get pregnant, I will feel like I have failed. A woman who cannot fulfil a woman's primary role. Oh, I know there is adoption, but that isn't an option for everyone. It's not successful for everyone.

The Metformin is supposed to show an improvement in 3 months. That brings us to Mid-September. Sometime between October and mid-November, my Husband is going to Afghanistan for 4 months. If I don't get pregnant, there will not be much time to try something else, like Clomid, before he goes away. Then that will be more waiting, waiting and doing nothing. It will take us beyond they 2 year point of me being off the pill. I NEVER thought it would be that long. And being so stressed and worried about this, and about Husband being in Afghanistan, will make it harder to get pregnant.

Anything to make this work. Anything.
lol. I even brought an Amethyst crystal (for regulating hormones) and a Rose Quartz crystal (for fertility) today. And a Rose Quartz bracelet. Who knows, maybe they will tap into something unknown in my psyche and do some good. Positive thinking brings positive results right? This is something to focus that positive thinking on, a physical reminder. If it only helps in that respect, they will have been a good purchase!

CD 70

2008-05-23T22:39:00.002+01:00

Thought I'd done with the long cycles.
They didn't have my scan results yesterday, so I am waiting again. More waiting. Not very patiently, but it's all I can do.
I'm very emotional and tense at the moment, very unhappy. The littlest thing can irritate me, and my mood can change without warning. It's very draining. I need to snap out of this before it becomes destructive.

Time to go focus on the good things...

My Husband. Love of my life and my entire world.
I have some amazing, fantastically supportive friends.
We have a home and food and warmth.
The extended family, on the whole, isn't too bad!
My 3 cute and funny ratties

I'm safe, and well-loves. Husband loves me, no matter what. We will get through this.

Today I was disheartened.

2008-05-20T22:50:00.003+01:00

I am not sure why, but it felt like I was carrying around a huge load that was too much for me. There seemed to be a lot going on. There still is but this evening I am more peaceful and I can bear it better.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the nurse who runs the Chronic Disease Clinic at the medical centre. Apparently I have to see her before I can get any more of my blood pressure medication. What she can say to my that the specialists at Addenbrookes haven't already said, I don't know. But ho hum, must keep the Senior Medical officer (he who ordained this appointment) happy I suppose.
And then on thursday I have a visit with a doctor to actually get some more blood pressure medication (seeing as Nurses can't actually issue prescipts.) and to discuss my scan results. I haven't heard anything yet, but I have the appointment now, and I what to know what's what. If it means starting Metformin to regulate my cycles and help me get pregnant, so be it.

Baby hunger. What a phrase. That level of broodiness that hurts.

The Clan

2008-05-20T22:31:00.004+01:00

Thought it was time I introduced my little fur-babies.
Geoff, the alpha rat, is on the bottom. he didn't stay there long!! He's a bit moody.
Alfie, at the back, is the cuddliest, but still only tolerates them for a few minutes.
Cloud, in the middle, is the runt and the stupidest! He's very funny and lovable.

This was a few months ago, they are too big to fit in the corner like that now! I wish they were more like big squishy, cuddly rats. but I love them to bits anyway.

The sun is shining!

2008-05-09T11:00:00.002+01:00

Well, I had the scan. They had to progress to an internal, but it wasn't as bad as I feared! They said they could see tiny cysts, but I won't know what that means until I see the doctor. So another week or so of waiting. Yawn.

It's all hot and sunny again. I kinda wish I was more of a sun-worshipper. Chilling out in the garden would be so relaxing right now. But I burn and not tan, get irritated by all the insects that appear and get a headache from too much sun. SO I'll have to hide inside with an ice-cream instead!

Negative this morning.

2008-05-06T18:35:00.002+01:00

So, CD 53.
8 days of very light spotting and a negative test this morning. I had to check. Again, I expected it to be negative, but again, it hurt.
I don't think there's anything else I can do now, just wait and see what the scan shows up on Friday.

I'm really suffering with back ache too. I think i am going to have to find a Chiropractor, all that the tablets have done, is made me feel crap. I just want it to go away, it's not really stopping me doing anything, it's just annoying me!

The house is a mess, but I'm so ache-y after work, that I have no motivation to tidy up. :( Husband and I will have to tidy it at the weekend!

TMI?

2008-04-28T21:12:00.002+01:00

CD45. Had some spotting today and yesterday. Just a little. I am putting everything into hoping it's an implantation bleed. Wishful thinking probably, but I can dream huh. If it's not that, it could be the sign of a period starting? that would be not wonderful, but better than just some random bleeding I suppose!

Enough...

2008-04-24T19:06:00.004+01:00

of the backache already!! The ibuprofen only seems to be working for an hour and I just can't get comfortable. Why this now?? Even standing at the till at work was hard, I just ached all day.

Feeling very loved up at the moment, which is nice!

And needed. CD 41. Getting a bit despondent again. I hate this so much. I have to keep telling myself that we're young, it'll happen, blah blah. My lack of patience and self-belief is unhelpful though.

The blood glucose tests and cholesterol were normal. As in normal, normal. So that is good.

I think I'm losing one of my best friends from school. We are barely in touch now, my last couple of texts have been unreplied, and I only found out she is moving from someone else's post on facebook. We used to be so close. I've already lost one good school friend (well, culled for her behaviour just before and during our wedding and her general behaviour- activities I didn't approve of), I don't want to lose V too. I think I'll try another text (she's never been in when I've rung recently!).

Lots of random nonsense today, it's not a good day.
Still, Heroes is back tonight!!!!

Yesterday

2008-04-20T17:32:00.003+01:00

in the coffee shop, at the table next to us, was a lady with a bump. 6 or 7 months gone I'd guess, and she was glowing. I'll assume the people she was with were her parents and grandmother. Baby was kicking I presumer, because her 'Dad' had his hand on the bump, and was laughing about the baby being a wriggler. I want that so much.

One of the women Husband works with is pregnant. I wonder what he was thinking when he told me? Strangely, being told a stranger is pregnant doesn't invoke the same feelings of jealousy as when I found out my sister-in-law, or even my work colleague, was expecting. The closer they are are, the harder it is because you see the bump grow, you share their excitement, then you get to cuddle their baby. sigh

I used to feel bad for feeling jealous, but not any more. It's too human, too natural, a reaction to when someone else has something you so badly desire. It's not a bad thing.

And then sometimes I wonder if we'll even be good parents? Are we still too young, too selfish to deserve to care for a little one who'll be totally dependant on us? These feelings are temporary though. I know Husband will make a good dad, and I believe I'll be a good mum. Even if we struggle at first and have the same fears, worries and mistakes as other new parents we'll be fine!

Blood results good!!

2008-04-18T21:50:00.002+01:00

Or 'normal' anyway!!
"The result(s) of your recent glucose and cholesterol test(s) have been received; the results are normal and/or do not change the existing management plan."

It just struck me, normal for a healthy person? Or normal for someone with PCOS?? I guess I'll find out on Monday.

Scan date is

2008-04-17T15:49:00.003+01:00

9am on Friday 9th May. Only if husband is available to take me though, I'm not going on my own!
Am pleased to finally have a date. Not keen on the idea of an internal scan, but whatever it takes!

Still waiting on my blood results though. Made an appointment to see the doctor on monday, so if not before, I'll know then. Need to get my back checked too, it hurts so much. Especially down the left side, think I've over stretched a muscle. It's not stopping me from doing anything it's just constant aching pain, or uncomfortableness. So Husband insisted I see the doctor about it. He takes care of me!

I'm making our favourite, really not good for us, meal tonight, so need to get off my butt and get the kitchen tidied and prep the vegetables. Then slob in front of the TV and an early night I think.

CD 34 and other than slightly tender boobs, no symptoms to report.

Negative.

2008-04-14T18:27:00.002+01:00

I caved and tested, even though I knew. Stupid girl.
Even when I expect it, that missing line is still horrible.
New resolution-only test when I REEEAALLLLLYYYY think there's a good chance. (I know, I keep making and breaking that one!)

Still, husband is home tomorrow. So that's cheered me up.

Two guys from the RAF Regiment were killed in Kandahar Province yesterday. I know he won't be going out on patrol, but it's still scary. Really need to put this out of my head, or November will be here even sooner. Not even thinking about the possibility of it being July. Someone give me a kick.

Cycle day 30... and random bits!

2008-04-13T21:11:00.003+01:00

No symptoms, nothing. Guess I'm looking at a long cycle. Well, at least I should get the blood results this week. Take each day and keep hopeful.

Got a sore throat which has been making me feel sick over the last few days. Constant queasiness to add to the stuffed nose and headache. I hate being ill.

Husband is away at the moment, and I'm missing him dreadfully. And it's not even been a week. No idea how I'll survive november.

Went shopping on saturday! I love shopping! And make-up, shoes, bags, perfume (and chocolate!!). Got some nice Urban Decay and Benefit bits. Want some more though. Why do I have such an obsession with make-up? I know it baffles my Hubby dear! And my Mum!

Fat little rats keep fighting. Silly fuzz-butts! They are so fluffy and cute though, shame they aren't more cuddly. I still want a dog though. I wish I could stay home and have a puppy!
Oh dear... stupid Cloud-Rat fell out of the wheel! He really is special!

Little update

2008-04-11T20:17:00.002+01:00

I had my blood taken on wednesday, so should hopefully hear next week. Am still waiting on the scan date. Feeling up and down.
Worrying about november. I'm barely coping with him being away a week. 4 months will be torture.
Family stuff.
So much rushing about my head.

Ambs, just over 3 weeks!!! Hope baby girl arrives safely and all goes well. Much love!

Ali, you're a star. Thank you so much for listening (reading??) today. Mwah!

Renewed hope potentially shattered

2008-04-03T16:33:00.002+01:00

Well, today I got to see a doctor, re. the letter from the Gynaecologist. The Obs and Gynae Consultant had sent a letter based on what he had been told by the GP and the hormone blood test results. Which, by the way, seemed to show more than what I was told, but never mind now. He recommended Metformin, blood glucose and lipids test, and an ovarian scan.
So I am having the bloods and scan, and when they have all the information, then I will be back to the doctor and probably starting Metformin. I could have started it now, but I want the tests done first. Plus I need to get a pre-paid prescription certificate. £7.10 for a prescription!! Daylight robbery!!!!
Anyway. Not sure how I feel now. Maybe numb. It's not a diagnosis, but this is some thing I have expected. Maybe it'll hit me when I am tired, emotional and alone next week. I'll blow it out of proportion, cry and then hopefully be calmer again. At least it is another step forward, even if a proper diagnosis may feel like a huge leap backwards.

Renewed hope...

2008-03-16T18:10:00.002Z

I am on Cycle Day 2 today!!!!

Yes, my period started yesterday!! 155 days since the last began. It was so light yesterday, I didn't believe it was for real, then I was so happy to wake up with painful stomach cramps this morning. All the tears and bloated feelings from last week make sense now. Fingers crossed this is the start of a return to normality and that we get good news soon.

Oh, and I am still waiting for my Gynae. appointment.

Slight relief

2008-03-07T19:05:00.002Z

Turns out, if I am pregnant, or due while he's away, hubby's deployment will be delayed until baby is a month old. Not ideal, but better than going back on the pill!!
Now fingers are crossed that I hear from the Gynae. soon.
XX

Afghanistan.....

2008-03-06T16:33:00.002Z

My beloved husband is being sent to Afghanistan for 4 months in november. Spare me the spiel about it being his job, because I don't hear it. I really, really don't want this. I will spend 4 months worried sick, jumping every time the phone rings, or there's an unexpected knock at the door.

Plus it throws this TTC business up in the air. I could cope with the first half of pregnancy while he is away, but not the second. I want him home for the birth of his baby. *sigh* I guess I will have to wait and see what the Gynaecologist says. I'd even go back on the pill (though it kills me to say so) and come off in september. Last year was so hard, and this year will be harder, and to voluntarily delay having a baby? Even for the best.... It's breaking my heart.

??

2008-03-02T16:50:00.002Z

Why did I do that? I confided in an old school friend. Someone I haven't seen in years. Not even a female. A guy. The guy that I adored all through high school, right up to about 3 weeks before I started seeing my husband. I'm still fond of him, or maybe I am fond of my memories of him? I think you always keep a special place for your first love, even if it was unrequited!! Feel a bit silly though. Maybe it's because we shared a lot in high school, or because it is easier to off load things online... Ah well. I can't 'un-say' it now, I just hope I haven't scared him off staying in touch!!

My beloved will be home late tomorrow night! Which means I should be finishing off the tidying and sorting out, not playing on here. oops!

Meh.

2008-03-01T23:28:00.004Z

'Meh' is how I am feeling. One of the major downsides to being on my own- too much thinking time.

But, my darling husband should be home early next week! This is fantastic. Also, because I worked out today that it is coating a small fortune for me to ring him! So I am trying to concentrate on this happiness. He was going to be delayed until 17th march, this is after they cancelled his original flight, then they next one he was on, but now they are paying for a civilian flight home.

My alpha rat bit me on wednesday. He's not vicious, I think I just got to him at the wrong moment. But my finger is sore and still a bit swollen, and I have antibiotics because it may be infected and they make me feel bleugh. He bit my husband not too long ago though, so Geoff is on his last warning.

We will be moving this year. If hubby can't get a posting at Aldergrove near Belfast, it will be Akrotiri, in Cyprus, in august. This scares me a little, but it's exciting too! And much better this, than he goes to Afghanistan or the Falklands for 6 months. I really don't have the correct emotional temperament to be a military wife. I suppose it will get easier as the years go by, but like so many, I am hoping for that life-changing lottery win!

blood results

2008-02-25T17:15:00.002Z

(copied and pasted from a forum I 'live' in)

Having finally got my blood test results today-it was a hormone check-

Testosterone and Prolactin were fine; LH and FSH didn't really matter since my menstrual cycle is so screwed up; but Oestrogen is low.
I am being referred to the Gynaecologist.
It could take 3-4 weeks.
If I had had my results in teh week after the test I could be half fucking way though those 3/4 weeks now!!!

Googling low oestrogen levels is no good cos it brings up a load of stuff about menopause and early-menopause and I am not going down that route now. I can't think about the possible implications of that. And osteoporosis which my Nan suffers from. Something else to not think about.

I don't know what it means, apart from the whole not ovulating thing, so I don't know what to think. And I really want a hug but my husband's not home until wednesday and I feel like shit cos of this cold. I have never felt so exhausted from just a cold.

So more wait and see. The only upside is the Gynae. referral. Another round of doctors and hospital and tests. Fan-bloody-tastic.

I thought discovering my Hypertension and the referral to Addenbrookes and the trips and tests for that was bad. This has the potential to be infinitely worse. I feel defective. A woman who can't do the thing women are supposed to do. Granted this may be way too early to be thinking like that, and they may be able to fix it with some simple, quick way. But what if they can't? How would I face up to the knowledge that I can't do the one thing I really want to do? How will my husband feel if his wife can't give him children? I wish, hope and dream that I am being melodramatic right now and that things will work out how I want them too.

Make a wish for me. XX

I miss my husband!!!

2008-02-24T18:37:00.002Z

Purely self-indulgent today.

He's been away since Monday and is back Tuesday, but that is still far too long in my opinion! I don't think I really have the right emotional temperament for a military wife! I know we've been lucky so far that's never been away for more than 3 weeks, and never to anywhere dangerous, but that is my blog so I can be selfish. Right? He rang me yesterday just to hear my voice :-(

I've got a bad cold, I'm so tired and I can't concentrate properly. Feeling a bit crap about myself I suppose.

After 2 more phone calls about my blood results, I have an appointment tomorrow. Bloody ridiculous that I've had to wait so long. Not sure what to think today. Trying NOT to think too much about it. Ah well, what will be, will be.

2008-02-16T18:09:00.002Z

I got back late from work yesterday and we had to go straight out grocery shopping so I forgot to ring. I really, really wish I had.

I had a letter this morning- brown envelope with Her Majesty's Service printed on it. Great I think, my blood results finally. well, it was from the Medical Centre, but it was an invitation to a Chronic Disease Clinic to discuss my high blood pressure and the treatment I am receiving.

"The aim of the clinic is to ensure that you are receiving the most up to date information on medication, lifestyle advice and chronic disease management."

Well thanks very much, but I am under the care of a specialist team, headed but the country's leading doctor on Hypertension in young people. What can a GP add to that?

I'll admit that I lost it slightly, threw the letter on the floor, screamed that I didn't care I wanted my results and stormed upstairs. And cried a bit. Wonder what excuse I'll be given on monday when I ring to see where my fucking letter is. How hard is to to send a letter??

And my darling husband is off to Oman on monday for 10 days. I hate being on my own for more than a couple of days, so I am one un-happy bunny.

Still waiting

2008-02-14T16:02:00.005Z

Well I had bloods take on 31st Jan. And I am still waiting for the results. I gave it a week and rang up. The results were sitting in the Doctor's inbox and I had to wait for a letter to be sent. I haven't round again because I think I'll just be told they same, wait for a f*cking letter. I'm tired of waiting.

I need to post more on here, it's getting too invasive in my everyday life. I see new babies and pregnant women everywhere... I nearly cried at work last week. This can't take over everything, here has to be my outlet.

They sure don't teach you about this at school. They lead you to think even the sight of a naked penis will get you up-duffed. No-one tells you that you might find it hard, until you've already worked it out for yourself.

Why me? Why anyone? Is it punishment for taking the morning after pill when I was 17? Punishment for being on the pill since I was 18? I don't really believe so, but I can't help the 'what if?'s.

I'm soo happy for all my pregnant friends, and all the new mummies but I can't help being a little bit jealous? Does that make me a bad person? Or just human? Just human, I hope.

I think I'll ring the Medical Centre tomorrow anyway, I need to know what the bloods said. Do I wish for them to be totally clear? Or to show something isn't right so that doctor can deal with it and make me start ovulating again?

What the doctor said

2008-01-25T16:46:00.002Z

This won't be pretty.

Lose weight and come back in a year. gee thanks
It can take a long time to get back to normal after the pill, be thankful you didn't have the injection. It shouldn't still be this bad...........
You're young, you have all teh time in the world. I don't care I'm broody NOW
I'll request a blood test to check hormones, but I don't think it's them.
And eat organic meat so you don't take in so much oestrogen Are you gonna pay organic meat prices for me then

Not in those words as such, but that was that. Basically not interested because I am young, over-weight and it's only been a year.

Thankfully I have perfected a smile that convinces most people everything is ok. I booked my appointment for the blood test and the smile just lasted me until I got home. Now I've got a headache from crying and a sore throat from swallowing more tears away.

Why? Women more over weight then me get pregnant and manage. Women high on drugs and totally drunk have one night stands get pregnant. I have a good marriage, a home and I can't get pregnant.

I know this is totally selfish, but I can't help that now.

So it's another year of waiting. I really need something to distract me, because I don't know if I can do another year like this one.

I really don't know what to think. I feel like I have to march in place for a year.

Just a quickie...

2008-01-22T16:28:00.002Z

So, off the pill for one year. I have an appointment with a doctor on friday. Wish me luck that they can help. I am starting to get worried, but I am not sure what about exactly.

One year on.

2008-01-20T18:15:00.002Z

So here I am. Tomorrow will be one year since I took my last contraceptive pill.

I am on CD 101. And that period was started after a 10 day course of Norethisterone. I’ve had times of ‘symptoms’ followed by a negative test. The last was just before Christmas. I let my self get really hopeful and made the mistake of testing on Christmas Eve. Such a bad idea. Please, please let the doctor say they can do something now, and not make me wait 6 months, or, god forbid, another year. I am going to work really had to lose some weight and get fitter. Please let it help.

What do I do if I can’t get pregnant?

The story up to today...

2008-01-20T18:13:00.005Z

Background:

I’ve always wanted to be a young mum. Not a teen-mum, but young enough to really enjoy my kids. I love my husband, Bob, so much, and know he’ll make a wonderful dad. He’s such a big kid!

From August 2003 I had been on the combined contraceptive pill Microgynon-30. Due to high blood pressure I came off this pill sometime in January 2006. In February that year I started to take the progestogen only pill, Cerazette. In November 2006, we decided it was time that I could come off this to start trying for a baby. I started taking folic acid (Sanatogen Pro-Natal tablets) and went to see my doctor. She arranged for a blood test to check my rubella immunisation (all fine) and said to remember it could take a while for my body to get back to normal after being on the pill. Unfortunately, due to health issues, I had to stay on the pill for a few months, but on 21^st January 2007, I took my last Cerazette tablet.

I had some light spotting straight away which lasted 10 days. I then waited 51 days for a proper period. This started on 14^th March (Cycle Day 1), and lasted seven days until 20^th March (CD 7). My second period had not arrived by 16^th April (CD 34), so I took a pregnancy test- negative. Since then I had various PMT/period symptoms, but nothing. And 3 more negative pregnancy tests.

9^th May:

I’m now on CD 57. How much longer do I leave it?

Last night I dreamed I had a positive pregnancy test. The feelings of joy and excitement were so intense, I nearly broke my heart when I realised I had to wake up. How do people do this month after month?

The more frustrated I feel, the more I see pregnant women and new babies everywhere. I know that stress won’t help us to conceive, but how do you not stress over something so important?

27^th May:

Cycle Day 75. So still nothing. Bob wanted me to do another pregnancy test. Negative. So he wants me to talk to the doctor again. But I know it can take up to a year for my body to settle down.

Still, how long do I go without a period without getting checked? Plus I am starting to get paranoid about having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I know I am over-weight, and I’m starting to get worried. So many “what if”s. What if I do have PCOS? What if I do find it hard to get pregnant? What if I can’t get pregnant? What if the doctors aren’t concerned because Bob and I are so young? What if? What if? What if? Closely followed by, Why? Why? Why?

I want this so badly. Plus I’ve been really short-tempered lately, “Angry Paula” as Bob called me. It’s horrible for him, and I feel so bad for being moody towards him, but it’s because I’m so worried. Guess I’ll just have to make an effort to keep my cool, and be happier. And hope that losing some weight will start my body ovulating again so then we at least have a hope of getting pregnant.

UPDATE!!! Midnight: I appear to be bleeding lightly. Please, please, please let this be a proper period and the start of regular, normal cycles! Never been this happy to see blood ‘there’! Except maybe in March!

24^th June:

Cycle day 28. Yes, that did seem to be a ‘proper’ period last time, so here I am, hopefully at the end of the cycle. I am hoping and hoping and hoping, that either I am pregnant, or if not, that this was a normal cycle and my period returns on Monday. I am pretty sure I ovulated 2 weeks ago. I had lots of ‘Egg White Cervical Mucus’ (EWCM) and some short stabbing pains that lasted an hour or so. Plus I was really, really hot. But I don’t know what that meant! I’ve had some promising symptoms; tiredness, cramps and backache, boobs feeling a bit heavy, and ‘odd’ feeling low in my tummy and being funny about certain foods, but all the early pregnancy symptoms are also period symptoms. The only period symptom I haven’t had, which I normally do, is a bad temper. I usually get very irritable before my period is due, but haven’t been moody so far!

I want to test because I want to know, but also, I don’t want to be disappointed. And also if my period does arrive Monday/Tuesday, well Bob is off to the U.S.A. on the 2^nd July, so we’d miss ovulation in the next cycle.

We spent last weekend with some friends who have two little girls 4/5 and nearly 1. Bob was so good with them, and actually looked comfortable holding the baby! It made me want it even more.

If it doesn’t show next week, I guess I’ll have to test on Friday. Please, please, please.

28^th August:

Negative test back in June. Well it’s now CD 93. And I feel shit. Plus we had to have my beloved Siggy rat put to sleep on Saturday. So have been very emotional and have little sex-drive at the moment. Bob reckons my boobs are bigger and was saying he thinks I’m pregnant last night. I can’t get my hopes up though. Maybe do a test at the end of the week and make a doctors appointment to see if there is anything she can suggest. I’ll just keep hoping I suppose.

RIP Siggy babykins, mummy misses you.

9^th September:

Negative. No surprise there really. So Friday evening I started taking Agnus Castus. It’s supposed to help regulate the cycle, so fingers crossed. The doctor did suggest Norethisterone. It’s usually given to delay periods, but taking it and then stopping it after a week can bring on a missing period apparently. I will give the Agnus Castus 3 months. I’d like to fall pregnant in October/November. Is that really too much to ask?

On the up side, we got 3 baby male rats last Thursday (the 30^th). Was missing Siggy so much, still do really, but these babies are filling the gap a bit. Geoff. Cloud and Alfie are settling in.