CD35

Husband did come home on 1st April. I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see him! He had his month off work, and we've been spending lots of time together, adjusting to having him home.
I love him so much, and can not express just how happy I am to have him back safe.

1st April also turned out to be CD1. The timing! it really hurt when AF arrived on 2nd May. I'd had silly romantic dreams about us falling pregnant the first month he was home after his 4months away, but it wasn't to be. But the fact that it was a 31 day cycle was good. About the best it's been I think. But I decided to stay as relaxed as possible- he was only just home, and I'd only just got my cycles to a good length. I decided to give it until August before going back to the doctor and seeking further treatment.

So now I am at CD35. And as much as I am trying to stay reasonable, I am tentatively hopeful. I've had no signs of AF arriving, my boobs are only just now starting to feel tender and I don't feel quite 'right'. It's not something I can put my finger on exactly, but either I will have good news, or I'm setting myself up for more tears. But if I am not, I would like AF to arrive soon please!

Husband surprised me yesterday evening. We were watching TV, and an ad for the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor came on, and he asked if I wanted to try it. It's nice to be reminded that he does want this too. He's been so busy at work since he got back, and his back is really hurting him, so we haven't talked much about it lately. I told him I am on the 'wait' at the moment, but I will look at it. Now my cycles are getting to a good length, it might be useful! It's good to know he's as serious as me! And I have noticed the word 'baby' come out of his mouth a lot lately, just in little things, mostly silly things, but it's more than normal. :)

But truthfully, I hope I don't need to. I have a test waiting upstairs for tomorrow or Saturday, and I want it so badly. I can really imagine telling people this time, and things we'll have to buy and things to do. Every pregnant woman/new mum that I've seen today has made me think "Could that be me in 6 months/a year?" I'm even planning on how we'll build up a supply of nappies and wipes by getting a few each time we do the grocery shop after we reach the 12 week point. And buying the first little outfits, and, very important, the first teddy bear.

So much for staying calm and chilled about it. I just want it. But as well as being tentatively hopeful, I am bloody terrified that I am just going to be disappointed again.